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Suicide Attempt

I haven't posted in ages because I tried to commit suicide, and I am too ashamed to talk about it, but I received a comment from Purple Mist wondering why I hadn't posted and it almost broke my heart.
Thanks for caring.
I'll try to come back.

Strong

There is one word that many have used to describe me, and that word is strong. My family, friends and class mates all agree that I am the strongest person that they know. I recall the first time I heard someone call me strong. It was my cousin Mckensie, she lived half way across the country from me, and she was the one person I felt I could always talk too. I had called her a couple nights after I got the dreaded message from my older sister saying that my dad had died. I hadn't dealt with the situation and I found myself sobbing to her over the phone. I expressed to my cousin my feelings and then sat there in silence. We were both considerably young and asking each other for advice at that age on a subject such as death was practically impossible. The silence seemed like forever while I waited for advice from my cousin who had no expirience or knowlege on anything related to death.
Finally, she found something to say to me. She said,
"Kacee, You are so strong. I don't know how you do it." I remember sitting there confused. I called her crying and miserable and she was calling me strong. She explained to me a memory that she recalled from a couple years before. My mom decided to move me to Alaska to get away from my abusive dad, and we kept it a secret from him until the night we were leaving. I remember my dad bending down to hug me while he sobbed into my little shoulder. I didn't understand why we had to leave. I was young and at the time my dad was my hero. My cousin was there watching that night and she expressed to me through the phone that she didn't know how I did it. In her eyes I was strong.
I got off the phone feeling better. I was strong. I fed off of that thought. Almost instantly that is who I became. I was the strong one. I stood infront of my dad's casket and I didn't cry. I held my mother and my sisters, and I kept my composure. I sang at his funeral standing between my two older sisters who were sobbing and I picked up the lyrics that they couldn't sing becaues they were crying too hard. I held it all in because I was strong even though every ounce of me was completely falling apart.
I guess you can say this describes my life after my dad died. I keep my room overly clean, I have all my school work organized into folders, and I have my shit together. What I say is grammatically correct, and my answers always make sense. People come to me when they want the truth, not friendship. They know they will get honesty from me whether they want it or not. I had a 4.0 gpa, and I had became the star of the track team. Everything in my life was in check. Well, everything on the outside at least. Strength became my mask. It became what I used to disguise the world what I was feeling inside. I never dealt with death or grief I just ignored it. I used my perfect grades and answers to hide what was really going on inside.
There is no word I despise right now more then the word strong. I always thought strong meant holding it all together and being the foundation for everyone to walk on. I thought it meant fixing everyone's lives and being there to patch things up for everyone else, but I was wrong. I later learned that being strong was the worst thing that could happen to me. Sometimes being strong means being able to cry because that means moving on, but I never did that. I still haven't been able to cry or move on, and I think that's what is scaring my loved ones the most. I am no longer being strong. Infact I am doing just the opposite, I am completely falling apart.

HOPE

I need something to believe in. Something that I can think about that will give me hope when I just want to end it all. I remember my therapist trying to do this, but I was too stubborn to try. Back then I wanted to talk about what was going wrong because that was why I was in there.
Now that school is out I am giving myself a break. I need to figure myself out. I need to no longer allow myself to be burn out. I did a little soul searching and discovered that I am burn out because I feel like I am doing all this work and never getting anywhere with it. So, I decided to try to focus on a future career and plan out the perfect one, and not stop until I get it. 

My Dream Life Long List of Dream Jobs:
zoo keeper
marine biologist
combat medic
personal trainer
physical therapist
nurse
emt
firefighter
nutritionist
FBI
forensic anthropologist
lawyer
teacher
therapist
humanitarian
wildlife photographer
astrologist

Things I Natrually Enjoy
running
reading
writing
helping
planting flowers
exercise
eating healthy
scrapbooking
fishing
learning

Things That Excite My Imagination
Working on that haunted house
teaching
traveling
public speaking
creating

People I Admire
grandpa because he loved to work
my dad because he helped people just because
micheal jackson because he did what he wanted despite what people thought
brian because he is so smart and so thoughtful
steve because he gets excited  about building things
mom because she has a good work ethic
grandma because she always knows what to say (or at least she did before grandpa died.)

Why All The Things Listen Above Make Me Happy
I feel like I am:
moving forward
helping
learning
getting things done
becoming someone that the world needs
growing as a person
making stories to tell

Times When I am Enjoying Myself
When I am with Brian
When I am part of something bigger then myself
When I am working hard on something that I know will go noticed
When am I doing something I love
When people recognize how hard I work
When I feel loved

I guess this all just sparks my imagination. I want hope... NO I NEED HOPE! I am sick of being sad all the time and I hate how I can't just turn it around like I would like to, but I am stuck in this dark and deep hole clawing trying to get out.

 I just need to reach for the stars.

What I've Done So Far

 Finished:

Grow a Sun Flower plant, because I've always wanted to do that.
Bike five miles, because I need the exercise.
Make the best banana split ever. That includes chocolate dressing, nuts and anything else I can find!
Go hiking. I love hiking!
Learn to skip a stone. I've always wanted to learn how to do that!
Make your own popsicle. I haven't done that in forever!!!

Haven't done yet:
Build a sand castle, since I've never made one I was proud of.

Bury a friend in the sand, because the possibilities of what you can turn that person into are endless.
Picnic at the park with a bunch of friends, that will never get old.

Discover a new ice cream sandwhich recipe because that just sounds interesting.

Cloud watch, because I've never had someone to do that with.

Take a nap under a shady tree because that just sounds like it could be fun.

Go swimming. I've always wanted to blow up an air matress and assemble a tent ontop of it.

Go fishing because Brian says he hasn't been fishing before.

Sleep outside whether it's in a tent or just in a sleeping bag.

Create a photo journal. I don't know what this is, but it sure sounds fun.

Make friend ship bracelets! You can never have too many of those!

Tye dye t-shirts. The possibilites are endless. Maybe even my bed sheets!

Have a watermelon seed spitting contest. Baha. I've got to try this!

Flatten and dry flowers. They always turn out so pretty!

Create a side walk mural with chalk!

Make a bird feeder

Go berry picking!
Go to an outdoor concert! (This will be done tomorrow)

Resume by Dorothy Parker

 Razors pain you;

Rivers are damp;

Acids stain you;

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren’t lawful;

Nooses give;

Gas smells awful;

You might as well live

Ginger and Water

There is nothing more attractive then a guy who takes care of his girl.

I know what you guys are thinking, where did that come from?! Well, I will tell you.
Today I went over to Brian's house. We started watching a movie and I kind of got a head ache, but then I went to change into one of his T-shirts and then it really got bad. I was dizzy, my head was pouding, my eyes couldn't hold still, I was shaking, and I was pretty much being a big baby about it. It hurt so bad. I was like on the ground because standing up hurt, and also his cold tile made me feel better. He picked me up and put me on his bed and was just being a sweet heart!
I asked for a cold wrag and he went and got my an ice pack. He brought me some ibprofen and before I knew it I was out. I'm not really sure how long I was asleep on his bed for, but I woke up to him holding me some tea that he made for me. It was ginger and water. Haha. Apparently ginger is supposed to help/ He was just so cute. I said I was hungry and he brought me food. I just love him so much. Then he laid next to me and held me. I pretty much feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now. He makes me so happy.

I feel like if I stay with him I will be very well taken care of. :D