Well I got my haircut...

I hope you guys like it because I sure do. Its less of a pain to deal with and it's super healthy! No more dying my hair for a long time! Except I cant get my hair to style like it is in the picture. (The lady who cut my hair styled it like that and i am having issues styling it.) I will figure it out somehow.

I start work soon and that means posting will be harder... since i wont be home AT ALL for five days... maybe ill find some happiness through doing soemthing with my life...

debating on antidepressants

For those of you wondering what I meant by my blog wont let me post... I mean it wont let me post comments on other peoples blog... its so frustrating!

its so annoying...

WHY WONT BLOGGER LET ME POST NOW!!!!

I made a new friend...

and I am super excited about it. Of course, before we were friends we were super rude to each other...
It started out during my first week of school at my new school. I was sitting in the lunchroom on a bench next to my sister who was flirting with her new boy toy. I didn't exactly want to listen to them flirt cause... well I should have to explain myself on that topic... I was starting across the lunch room when I saw this boy staring at me. His eyes were the craziest blue I had ever seen! So me, just speaking my mind like I always to do my sister said,
"That guy has beautiful eyes!" So, Katie starts laughing, and her boy toy says,
"oh Dawson?" and then he stands up and walks towards him. Katie explained to me that her new boy toy was friends with him. (Great, just my luck...) her boy toy whispers something Dawson's ear, and he looks up at me and smiles...
Later on that day I sat down in my new biology class and looked around. Guess who was sitting next to me but across the little walk way? You guessed it... Dawson... After like a week of school he slid his chair next to me and slapped his papers on my desk and said, "Will you help me write the answers in on this paper, while I finish up this paper?" As he looks up at the teacher who was coming around to grade the papers he was struggling to finish. I just stared at him.
I could not believe that just because I complimented him, he thinks I would cheat for him. I was having a crummy week at home, with my boyfriend, and sick of moving that he really just asked that at the wrong time...
I stared at him and told him, "I'm not cheating for you." He finished his assignments, and then went back to his desk. (Yeah, I'm rude I know...) After that class we had lunch. I walked into the classroom my sister was in and started complaining about how mad I was that he wanted me to cheat for him. Of course, her boy toy as there listening... At Karyoking like three months later her boy toy had his laptop on his lap and said he wanted to show me something. He opened his face book emails and showed me an email they were sending back and forth. It talked about how much Dawson was into me and that "a bro should hook another bro up"... My sisters boy toy explained I had a boyfriend, and Dawson said that he thought I was into him... Boy toy there fixed that one fast... He went on telling Dawson about how much I hated him for cheating. Blah Blah Blah...
Needless to say, I felt really bad. I kinda raised his hopes, then crashed them down. No wonder he wasn't talking to me in Biology anymore... So, I got onto face book (he added me) and emailed him telling him that I did not hate him, and that he just caught me at the wrong time. After a while he started talking to me in biology again. One day he said, "You're eyes remind me of a clear blue skied day, with a cloud." I got really confused. Are my eyes really blue? Do my eyes ruin his perfect day? WHAT?
Then, on the last day in that class with him, we were talking about how I was getting my wisdom teeth taken out soon. He grabbed my year book, and he drew a truck. Underneath that he wrote, "Call me when you get your wisdom teeth taken out... You'll look like a beaver..." And then he left his number and signed his name. Oh how sweet? I guess... Lol.
I didn't really plan on texting or calling him until I was in my Grandma's trailor. We were cleaning it out and she pulls out a belt buckle. She was going to throw it away, so I asked if I could have it, but then I got home later and realized that it was big and ugly and I didn't want it. I couldn't throw it away though for reasons I don't even know of. So, I got out my yearbook and texted a Young man who wears big ugly belt buckles... Dawson...
He wanted the belt buckle, and then we started talking. We had short weird awkward conversations. We were extremely rude to each other as well. Just like we were to each other in biology class. We even got in a huge fight over what to do lol. We were kidding around, but the teacher still had to come stop it. (Ha ha. We were acting like we were in grade school. It was great.) Then we decided to become friends...
Me= RED Dawson= BLUE
"What's up?"
"Watching Salt, I'm confused to why you talk to me."
"What do you mean?"
"I figured you wouldn't talk to me."
"How come? Am I that stuck up looking?"
":("
"You can off like that to me. I'm all for being your friend tho."
"Wow thanks a lot..."
"Well who am I to you? Am I someone to be a friend or no?"
"To me you are intimidating and freaking scary. I think we have the potential to be best friends, minus the bullying. "
"Strangely that means a lot to me and I think its funny that I am freakin scary and intimidating but the bullying don't stop. That's the unconditional love escaping."
"Lol seriously? Unconditional love?"

So there you have it. A new friend. We stayed up talking for three hours last night through face book chat. Normally I would be talking to Chris but he was being complicated AGAIN! He doesn't want to see me until camp because he is sick of hurting me. To me that sounds like he just doesn't want to be seen with me, but what ever...

It seems impossible...

to get on Varsity Cross Country here. All the schools I have ever been to were small and you were on varsity even if you walked the entire course. Here, you actually have to compete. I'm not competitive, I just like to run. In other schools that was enough, here it's not. I want this so bad, but I don't know if I can achieve it!
Maybe this summer Chris will teach me to be competitive. I wish I was competitive, but I'm not. I'd rather just enjoy the new running course then worry about the girls passing me.
I was reading all the requirements that I have to do to be on Varsity, and they are insane. I actually have to keep a calendar with my running miles, and times on them. What? lol What happened to running for fun!?!?! I have to run at least six hours a week, run at least six days, and i am not allowed to run on pavement... I live in town... how is that supposed to work?
It doesn't help my coach thinks I am a freak... BLAH!

My councilor told me to start feeling my feelings...

"Death is the hardest part of life,

Not for those who have passed

But for those left behind.

They are forced to grasp the concept

of leaving this earth to another atmosphere

that we call heaven, that they call home"

*quote found on internet can't find author*

Well she wasn't my councilor, she was my back up councilor for the week. My councilor had her baby and was recovering from being in Labor. (I wondered if she was pregnant or was just one of those people who had a big tummy. Not trying to be rude or anything.) I had a fight with my mom that morning about treating my cousin like crap. (I did treat her like crap.) At first we talked about the fight with my mom, but somehow the councilor knew there was something else up. Turns out there was more on my mind then I thought, and the explosion at my cousin was me breaking at the seams for other crap that was going on. Guess it comes out sometime eh?
We briefly talked about the fight with my mom, but then we moved on quickly to other topics. We talked about not having friends, having hard classes, some living conditions I have been through growing up, my boyfriend, my sisters, my family in general, and my health but all of those were brief...
I was avoiding the topic. I did not want to talk about it, I didn't want to be pathetic and cry over something that happened three years ago. I didn't want the councilor telling me to get over it like my sister does when she sees me crying and asks me what I'm bawling about. (Sharing a room is nice when you're scared of monsters, but for the most part it sucks.) But how could I avoid the topic when she asks so bluntly. What about your dad? Man, I thought I was crying hard before that topic, I was bawling my eyes out now.
What was I suppose to say? Oh, he is better then he has ever been! He no longer is abused my his parents, or being repeatedly hurt by his youngest stuck up daughter, instead he is sleeping on a cloud and chatting with angels... If you believe in that kind of stuff...
After I exploded about how much I missed my dad, and how much it hurts we talked about the side effects of grief. She pulled out a packet on grief and started reading about it. She gave me a copy, and then she looked at me and said,
"Of course you don't need a packet to tell you how you are feeling do you? (She was exactly right, no one can tell me how I am feeling. No one.) Kacee, inside each of us there is only a certain capacity that we can with hold and you have reached your limit. You need to start feeling your feelings. You should try to let it out so it doesn't affect your health like it has. I know through all this you have learned so much." Then she went on about everything she can see that I have learned. Real stuff like how I tell my mom I love her as much as I can, and how I realize that high school isn't my entire life. Not now you know better to treat your parents like shit now. That's besides that point.
So, at a failed attempt to "feel my feelings" I posted not only 12 o'clock at night, but also breaking my parents "no cell phone, or computer after ten" rule. (Not to mention risking being told on by my PMS sister who just woke and told me she is going to tell on me for using the computer so late at night. Normally I would never post that my sister is PMS online, but since no one reads my blog anyways, and that fact that she practically told my boyfriend I was on my period-I consider it payback. Also, my mom promised me that once I got payback on my sister she would not get mad. Well mother this is payback.)
The reason why it's so late is because I stayed up reading a book called "if i stay" by Gayle Foreman. It's about a girl who gets in a car crash and her mom, dad, and brother die except her. Just my luck that out of the 500 books on the shelf I pick one that has something to do with a dead dad. They should have a warning ab out stuff like that on the cover, cause I read the back of the book and it said nothing about death! (The last book I read was called "Scribbler of Dreams" and it was about two dead dad's... Am I supposed to take that as a sign from God or something?)
Anyways, I finally had to put the book down when I read a section of the book that said, "It was horribly depressing - and not just because it was for someone who'd died tragically young and for no particular reason aside from some bad arterial luck." Those words were a huge blow to me. Stupid. What ever. Don't judge me. My dad died was is considered young I guess, and it was bad luck. It was standing at the wrong place at the wrong time when that bucket squished him to death. It hurts, not just because he is gone, but because I have no one to talk about it with.

I don't want to tell my mom because I don't want her to think she doesn't matter.

I can't tell my sisters because they simply don't care.

I don't want to talk to my cousins about it because they never had someone die. They think I should be over it.

It's not like I have friends to talk about it with, and even if I did they wouldn't get it just like my cousin don't get it.

I am too bull headed to admit I really do honestly need counseling, and I have a hard time talking to Chris about it.

Partially because one, he has no idea what I am going through. He has the complete family, and he even told me he had never had someone close to him die. (He tries hard to get it I know he does. One time I cried like an idiot at his house because I was mad at my step mom for sending me a email that pissed me off about my dad. I left a ton of mascara on his shirt because he was holding me while I cried. His mom probably thinks I'm just a stupid girlfriend who wants attention, and then I had to sit at the dinner table face to face with his family. My eyes here beat red, and I no longer had any make up on my face. His dad sat across from me wondering what the heck was wrong with me. Little did anyone know it killed me to look at Chris's dad at that moment. There I was just got done crying over my dead dad while Chris's entire family joked about his dad. AGH! It hurt so bad.) Chris's tries to be there for me I know he does, and he does a good job at it too. It's just hard.

Reason number two why I can't talk to Chris about it is because he is a guy. All guys assume that when a girl cries she is on her period. (And thanks to my sister he knows that I at least have one once a month... I am so mad at her, and for those of you wondering... No, I am not on my period right now!) I want Chris to take me seriously, and not think I am an over emotional girl. Even though I am... My grandma lectured me two days ago that the reason why I am mad all the time is because my grandma and grandpa on my moms side, and my grandma on my dad's side all suffer from chemical imbalances in the brain. She also said she researched it and it is traced through generations of hers and my grandpas side of the family and that I have a 75% chance of having it too. I have it... I know I do. But if I get on something for it no one will take my emotions seriously. I probably wont either and that wouldn't be healthy... It's just not.
If I start admitting and crying to "grief" then maybe I wont be so angry all the time. Maybe I can accept that I don't have a dad, and move on with life... (Yeah, right... I make it sound so easy...) Tonight I am upset. Not because I am on my period, not because I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and am too bull headed to get medicated for it, not because I am trying to get attention, but because I miss my dad.
I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

It's crazy how one person impacts a persons life.

Chris is leading a canoeing trip for three days, he has no cell phone service and not talking to him is driving me crazy. When we normally text our conversations are one worded, and a mixture of "I love you" and smiley faces. At the time, it seems like it doesn't mean anything, and it's not even worth texting him because we don't really even have conversations, but when he is gone I realize I love looking at my phone and seeing his name pop up even if it is just a smiley face. Who knew a colon and a parentheses meant so much? I don't really text anyone else since I am such a loner, and don't really care much to make friends anymore...

When I moved to his school,l I guess you can say I had no interest in making friends. I was not used to these brutal school systems, (I was more used to the lazy school systems where I used to live.) and I ended up studying before, during lunch, and after school. I quit all my after school sports and stayed up until three in the morning doing homework. Not to mention we had nine people living in a three bedroom house, and most the time I slept in the garage with the dog.

Needless to say, Making friends wasn't exactly a high priority at the time, and finding myself a boyfriend was out the of the question!

Out of all the girls in the entire school, Chris somehow decided to want me as his girlfriend. Of course most couples say this about the person they are dating to show that the person they are dating is super amazing and such, but with me that is a whole different story... Me and Chris dating is like a dirty, grey, misshaped rock (me) dating a vibrant, red, and super shiny bouncy ball. (Chris) It just doesn't work!

He's a super popular Senor with tons of friends. He hangs out with guys that have no worries and act stupid for fun, and super frilly girls with short skirts that cheer lead and have super high pitched fake voices. He wins everything he does without even trying, has tons of scholarships, and awards. Everyone loves him including teachers, and parents. He considers himself a people pleaser, and he's super competitive. He seriously plays every sport out there, and he has the average "happy" home life. He worries about nothing and gets everything he wants.

This perfect and talented young man wanted to date me. The super nerd who is a loner and has no friends. Who hates people who act stupid for fun, and hates cheerleaders, skirts and dresses, and fake high pitched voices. Someone who never wins anything even if I do put my all into it, and probably wont get any scholarships. Everyone hates me for the most part because I can't be normal, and I speak my mind to much. (Practically the only time I do talk at school.) I am defiantly not a people pleaser, in fact I purposely do the opposite of what people tell me to do, just because I hate people telling me what to do. I hate being competitive and the only sport I actually enjoy doing is running. My home life is far from average and its only happy when I ignore the fact that I'm pretty sure my family hates me. (Yes, this would be the first time I have ever admitted this to the world.) I worry to the point that I make myself sick, and I work for most the things I have. Him bringing me home was probably the only thing he has ever done to disappoint his parents in his life!

I hope everyone understands why him and I shouldn't be together. When he first took notice of me, I ignored him. In fact, I admit I never even noticed he was there. Today we laugh about it, but it's really astonishing to me how much I didn't even notice him when he practically threw himself at me! I finally started realizing he existed when my sister told my mom i ignored him when he tried bragging to me about some scholarship he was awarded. My mom chewed my butt out for not noticing him. (It's ridiculous she did that. Aren't mom's supposed to want to repel boys from their daughters?) I started talking to him because my mom forced me too, not really because I wanted too. Actually, I hated having people to talk to because it peeled me away from my homework, and actually made me talk to people. Frustrating? HECK YES!

After a while of talking to Chris and pretending to be interested for the sake of not having my mom yell at him, my mom told me that I should date him. I decided to try it out. NEVER had my mom TOLD me to date a guy before. My previous boyfriends were druggies, emo's, lower then average students, and at the time them bringing me home to their parents was like a miracle to their parents---in fact some of their parents even got teary eyed when they heard I broke up with him. (By the way, it's HUGE setback to go from being a miracle to a disappointment might I add.) So, I thought it would be interesting to date someone my mom wanted me to date for once.

For a couple months of dating Chris I really, really didn't want to be with him. (Don't judge me okay, I just wanted to be alone and dedicated to school.) Dating him was more a chore then anything. Now I actually had to talk to his family and friends, and be pressured into going to prom and being "normal"... (I HATE NORMAL! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!)

Now, things have really hit me... hard. After being sick and having him take care of me, and having someone to talk to when I'm upset, I realize dating him isn't all THAT bad.

I enjoy being with him now. I feel like I'm dating my best friend. There are some things Chris knows about me (and oddly accepts) that I never thought of telling my best friends... let alone my boyfriend. Without Chris I would have no job this summer, nothing to do this summer, no one to talk to, no one to vent on, no one to lean on when I am hurting and so much more. It's crazy how Chris... one person... has such an impact on my life.

(Although I do admit, dating him is super hard sometimes because we are so different. He wants to be bubbly and be a NORMAL *grinds teeth together* teenager, and I just want to be introverted and different. Not to mention I went from being the light in the guys' I was dating lives, and now I am the storm cloud that washes over a beautiful day. Not to mention he wants to be together all the time and my parents only really allow once a week. It does get hard, but it's SOOOOOOOO worth having him there you know?)

... Now the hard part... keeping him around especially now that he is graduated.

Sun Shine and Summer Time

Summer had been great because school just sucked that bad! lol. I am super excited for work to start, and it's nice not having to worry about due dates, tests, and whether or not something is good enough for other people or not. So not excited for my summer assignments! Ick!

SuMmEr TiMe!

Hey everyone,
I am sorry I haven't posted in a long time, things have been crazy with finals and school. I am sitting here on summer break wondering how the heck I survived all the crap! I was so stressed and school burnt out it wasn't even funny. Needless to say, summer has been great to me!
I've been four wheeling, swimming in a freezing cold lake, had BBQ's, had a bunch of sleep overs with my crazy little cousin Payton, AND GUESS WHAT?!!? I started cross country again and it doesn't feel like a chore again! It's the best feeling in the world! I love it when running feels so good.
Also I got a ssummer job! Its at a boy scouts camp, and Chris had worked there for a couple years before. I was really hoping to get the job because it's outside and I wouldn't be stuck home all summer. Plus they provide cabins to stay in durning the week. Anyways, I went to the interview and after I knew I was NOT going to get the job. All my answers made no sense and I left the interviewers wondering what the heck I had just said. haha. Then, Chris told me the our boss said I got the job as a hand craft director and I was super excited. Chris said he has been working there for like three years and he doesn't even have a job that high, plus when he first started he only got paid 110 dollars and my first time on the job I get paid 200 dollars. I'm super excited. My boss is friends with my sister Ashley and she said she could tell I was nervous because I had been scratching my neck before the interview and there was a big red spot.... embarrassing... She said I have one of the hardest jobs and Ashley assured her that I could do it, and she also let them know I would be nervous throughout the whole job, but that I would get the job done right.
It's going to fun I hope!
Sorry again for not posting in a long time!