NEW BLOG

Hey Everyone,
I am switching gears.
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http://k33pgoing.blogspot.com/

Suicide Attempt

I haven't posted in ages because I tried to commit suicide, and I am too ashamed to talk about it, but I received a comment from Purple Mist wondering why I hadn't posted and it almost broke my heart.
Thanks for caring.
I'll try to come back.

Strong

There is one word that many have used to describe me, and that word is strong. My family, friends and class mates all agree that I am the strongest person that they know. I recall the first time I heard someone call me strong. It was my cousin Mckensie, she lived half way across the country from me, and she was the one person I felt I could always talk too. I had called her a couple nights after I got the dreaded message from my older sister saying that my dad had died. I hadn't dealt with the situation and I found myself sobbing to her over the phone. I expressed to my cousin my feelings and then sat there in silence. We were both considerably young and asking each other for advice at that age on a subject such as death was practically impossible. The silence seemed like forever while I waited for advice from my cousin who had no expirience or knowlege on anything related to death.
Finally, she found something to say to me. She said,
"Kacee, You are so strong. I don't know how you do it." I remember sitting there confused. I called her crying and miserable and she was calling me strong. She explained to me a memory that she recalled from a couple years before. My mom decided to move me to Alaska to get away from my abusive dad, and we kept it a secret from him until the night we were leaving. I remember my dad bending down to hug me while he sobbed into my little shoulder. I didn't understand why we had to leave. I was young and at the time my dad was my hero. My cousin was there watching that night and she expressed to me through the phone that she didn't know how I did it. In her eyes I was strong.
I got off the phone feeling better. I was strong. I fed off of that thought. Almost instantly that is who I became. I was the strong one. I stood infront of my dad's casket and I didn't cry. I held my mother and my sisters, and I kept my composure. I sang at his funeral standing between my two older sisters who were sobbing and I picked up the lyrics that they couldn't sing becaues they were crying too hard. I held it all in because I was strong even though every ounce of me was completely falling apart.
I guess you can say this describes my life after my dad died. I keep my room overly clean, I have all my school work organized into folders, and I have my shit together. What I say is grammatically correct, and my answers always make sense. People come to me when they want the truth, not friendship. They know they will get honesty from me whether they want it or not. I had a 4.0 gpa, and I had became the star of the track team. Everything in my life was in check. Well, everything on the outside at least. Strength became my mask. It became what I used to disguise the world what I was feeling inside. I never dealt with death or grief I just ignored it. I used my perfect grades and answers to hide what was really going on inside.
There is no word I despise right now more then the word strong. I always thought strong meant holding it all together and being the foundation for everyone to walk on. I thought it meant fixing everyone's lives and being there to patch things up for everyone else, but I was wrong. I later learned that being strong was the worst thing that could happen to me. Sometimes being strong means being able to cry because that means moving on, but I never did that. I still haven't been able to cry or move on, and I think that's what is scaring my loved ones the most. I am no longer being strong. Infact I am doing just the opposite, I am completely falling apart.

HOPE

I need something to believe in. Something that I can think about that will give me hope when I just want to end it all. I remember my therapist trying to do this, but I was too stubborn to try. Back then I wanted to talk about what was going wrong because that was why I was in there.
Now that school is out I am giving myself a break. I need to figure myself out. I need to no longer allow myself to be burn out. I did a little soul searching and discovered that I am burn out because I feel like I am doing all this work and never getting anywhere with it. So, I decided to try to focus on a future career and plan out the perfect one, and not stop until I get it. 

My Dream Life Long List of Dream Jobs:
zoo keeper
marine biologist
combat medic
personal trainer
physical therapist
nurse
emt
firefighter
nutritionist
FBI
forensic anthropologist
lawyer
teacher
therapist
humanitarian
wildlife photographer
astrologist

Things I Natrually Enjoy
running
reading
writing
helping
planting flowers
exercise
eating healthy
scrapbooking
fishing
learning

Things That Excite My Imagination
Working on that haunted house
teaching
traveling
public speaking
creating

People I Admire
grandpa because he loved to work
my dad because he helped people just because
micheal jackson because he did what he wanted despite what people thought
brian because he is so smart and so thoughtful
steve because he gets excited  about building things
mom because she has a good work ethic
grandma because she always knows what to say (or at least she did before grandpa died.)

Why All The Things Listen Above Make Me Happy
I feel like I am:
moving forward
helping
learning
getting things done
becoming someone that the world needs
growing as a person
making stories to tell

Times When I am Enjoying Myself
When I am with Brian
When I am part of something bigger then myself
When I am working hard on something that I know will go noticed
When am I doing something I love
When people recognize how hard I work
When I feel loved

I guess this all just sparks my imagination. I want hope... NO I NEED HOPE! I am sick of being sad all the time and I hate how I can't just turn it around like I would like to, but I am stuck in this dark and deep hole clawing trying to get out.

 I just need to reach for the stars.

What I've Done So Far

 Finished:

Grow a Sun Flower plant, because I've always wanted to do that.
Bike five miles, because I need the exercise.
Make the best banana split ever. That includes chocolate dressing, nuts and anything else I can find!
Go hiking. I love hiking!
Learn to skip a stone. I've always wanted to learn how to do that!
Make your own popsicle. I haven't done that in forever!!!

Haven't done yet:
Build a sand castle, since I've never made one I was proud of.

Bury a friend in the sand, because the possibilities of what you can turn that person into are endless.
Picnic at the park with a bunch of friends, that will never get old.

Discover a new ice cream sandwhich recipe because that just sounds interesting.

Cloud watch, because I've never had someone to do that with.

Take a nap under a shady tree because that just sounds like it could be fun.

Go swimming. I've always wanted to blow up an air matress and assemble a tent ontop of it.

Go fishing because Brian says he hasn't been fishing before.

Sleep outside whether it's in a tent or just in a sleeping bag.

Create a photo journal. I don't know what this is, but it sure sounds fun.

Make friend ship bracelets! You can never have too many of those!

Tye dye t-shirts. The possibilites are endless. Maybe even my bed sheets!

Have a watermelon seed spitting contest. Baha. I've got to try this!

Flatten and dry flowers. They always turn out so pretty!

Create a side walk mural with chalk!

Make a bird feeder

Go berry picking!
Go to an outdoor concert! (This will be done tomorrow)

Resume by Dorothy Parker

 Razors pain you;

Rivers are damp;

Acids stain you;

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren’t lawful;

Nooses give;

Gas smells awful;

You might as well live

Ginger and Water

There is nothing more attractive then a guy who takes care of his girl.

I know what you guys are thinking, where did that come from?! Well, I will tell you.
Today I went over to Brian's house. We started watching a movie and I kind of got a head ache, but then I went to change into one of his T-shirts and then it really got bad. I was dizzy, my head was pouding, my eyes couldn't hold still, I was shaking, and I was pretty much being a big baby about it. It hurt so bad. I was like on the ground because standing up hurt, and also his cold tile made me feel better. He picked me up and put me on his bed and was just being a sweet heart!
I asked for a cold wrag and he went and got my an ice pack. He brought me some ibprofen and before I knew it I was out. I'm not really sure how long I was asleep on his bed for, but I woke up to him holding me some tea that he made for me. It was ginger and water. Haha. Apparently ginger is supposed to help/ He was just so cute. I said I was hungry and he brought me food. I just love him so much. Then he laid next to me and held me. I pretty much feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now. He makes me so happy.

I feel like if I stay with him I will be very well taken care of. :D

I don't know what to do. It's been since October and this boy has broken every wall and barrier I put up. When he is around I am SO happy. I can't think of a time where I have been happier, and that is odd considering I have been to Disney Land! It sucks because when he is not around I am SO depressed, suicidal, and extremely unhappy, but the second he is in the room I am on top of the world!
I feel so vulnerable right now because I feel like I have given this boy too much. I feel like if everything came crashing down I would go crashing down as well. I hope that what him and I have right now lasts a really long time, because I cant imagine what it would be like to not have him.
I've never felt so beautiful, so happy, and so comfortable in my entire life. He just takes me as I am and I love every second of it. GOSH!
What have I gotten myself into!?

List of things to do this summer...

I want to have a summer where I feel like I can be a kid again. So with the help of my best friend google, we came up with a list of things to do this summer. I hope you all make a list too!

1. Grow a Sun Flower plant, because I've always wanted to do that.

2. Build a sand castle, since I've never made one I was proud of.

3. Bury a friend in the sand, because the possibilities of what you can turn that person into are endless.

4. Picnic at the park with a bunch of friends, that will never get old.

5. Discover a new ice cream sandwhich recipe because that just sounds interesting.

6. Cloud watch, because I've never had someone to do that with.

7. Bike five miles, because I need the exercise.

8. Make the best banana split ever. That includes chocolate dressing, nuts and anything else I can find!

9. Take a nap under a shady tree because that just sounds like it could be fun.

10. Go swimming. I've always wanted to blow up an air matress and assemble a tent ontop of it.

11. Go fishing because Brian says he hasn't been fishing before.

12. Sleep outside whether it's in a tent or just in a sleeping bag.

13. Create a photo journal. I don't know what this is, but it sure sounds fun.

14. Go hiking. I love hiking!

15. Make friend ship bracelets! You can never have too many of those!

16. Tye dye t-shirts. The possibilites are endless. Maybe even my bed sheets!

17. Have a watermelon seed spitting contest. Baha. I've got to try this!

18. Learn to skip a stone. I've always wanted to learn how to do that!

19. Make your own popsicle. I haven't done that in forever!!!

20. Flatten and dry flowers. They always turn out so pretty!

21. Create a side walk mural with chalk!

22. Make a bird feeder

23. Go berry picking!

24. Go to an outdoor concert!

 

SCREW IT!

Let's get serious right now. What the hell are we fighting for? Why are we going through all this shit!? What in the end is going to be so great that is worth living for? I mean in life we have all been asked or thought about the question "Is he/she/it worth dying for?" When the real question should be is it worth living for?
I have such a hard time trying to find a reason to live. I am so fucking depressed I can't even scrap the top of this happiness mystery. I feel so good then I am just hit with this wave of hurt.
I'm sick of being strong. I am sick of holding it all in. I am sick of being okay just because that is what everyone wants to hear. I have told people I am not okay and they always change the subject. I am so done with putting everyone else before me. I sit and listen to a bunch of people complain all the time about worthless shit and then when I need them to complain about worthless shit they are not there for me! WHAT THE HELL!?
I have such a fucked up support system. I realized yesterday that if Brian decides he doesn't want me anymore I don't know how much longer I will be able to last. I just don't even know if he loves me anymore and that hurts since he is the one person that I thought did. I hate that I am dependent on him, but I am. I don't want to be strong anymore. Maybe I need that stupid super hero after all.

Biggest Loser

Kim Nielsen is my idol right now. She was a professional female wrestler and during a wrestling match her opponent broke her back and tail bone. She was then thrown across the ring, and somehow managed to get up and finish her match walk into the locker room and collapse on the floor. That is insane! Having a broken back and STILL being able to walk LET ALONE finish your wrestling match?! That is crazy.
All because of her injury she lost her job, her confidence, and gained a bunch of weight. She weighed one hundred and twenty eight pounds and only had ten percent body fat before she broke her back.
On the biggest loser ranch she got it all back. I mean look at these pictures. This girl went from obese to becoming more fit then I am and I have never been obese. She is truly amazing.
Check out this link if you want to see for yourself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8I6wzL6DUo

“ You don’t take a photograph, you make it." - Ansel Adams

I'm teaching a photography class at boy scouts camp and I decided to pull out my camera and take a picture. I'm really excited about teaching this class because it is fun to try to show the world what you see in something. It's hard to take something mediocure and turn it into something beautiful.
This is just my little brother holding my grandmas dog on our pourch, but when I see this picture my mind just lights up with happy thoughst because of the look on my brothers face and the lighting.
I hope that making this my new hobbie will help boost my happiness. I really need some good changes in my life.

I did it.

I quit track this morning. I thought I wouldnt be able to but I did. I thought I would feel bad about it, but I don't I feel like I'm starting to finally try to figure all this stress stuff out.
I also got an award of participation for it. baha. yay

Changes

I've been doing alot of thinking about life lately and I've decided that I need to adjust my life so that I am happy with it. I have been thinking long and hard and I have decided that I am going to do alot of things differently.
1.) I'm going to quit my job in the cafe. It's not a bad job, but it's kinda a waste of my time. I work SO HARD and only get paid minimum wage. I need to find a job that I enjoy going to. Plus, during the school year it's a pain when I have homework that needs done and I have to go to work instead.
2.) I'm going to quit the track team. I just can't do it. My body keeps having weird things happen to it. My hips last year, my passing out, my liver and kidney failing (some weird muscle disease), and now my bone is bruised on my foot. I think something is telling me that I should just not do it. Running is supposed to be my stress relief, therefore that's what it is going to be from now on.
3.) I'm going to buy myself an expensive and nice camera. I have always wanted to be artistic and I have always loved to take pictures. I need a fun hobby. Also, next year I am going to take a photography class so that I can learn to properly use it. (Oh the wonders of going to a technical school.)
4.) I'm going to party it up at boy scouts camp this summer. I got the job again, and I plan to make the best of it. I want to take pictures by the lake, go running on the trails, learn to carve wood with a knife and learn all the boy scout knots.
5.) I'm going to earn enough money this summer that I don't have to pay car insurance all year. This will alow me to not have a job during school so that I can focus of school and friends.
6.) I am going to determine if going into the health field is for me or not. I keep bouncing. I want to be in the health field, work on cars, weld and this sounds weird but I have always wanted to work in a zoo. Lol.
7.) I am going to lift more weights. I just want to be healthy and my body wont let me run so I might as well try to lift weights.
8.) I am going to work on relationships between my friends, boyfriend and family.
9.) I want to try new things and be open to new things.

Please hope that I can do all of these. I need to figure this whole depression thing out.

People Issues

I guess lately you can say that I have been doing a lot better trying to socialize with people, but I'm starting to learn that maybe sometimes being secluded from the world isn't such a bad thing after all. I'm learning that people are always searching for the bad in each other. They always measure each other up and try to find flaws. I have not heard one person say one nice thing about someone else, and that just irritates me very badly. No wonder suicide rates just keep going up, it's because the entire human race is just a bunch of ass holes. 

I'm not saying that people have said bad things about me because they haven't. (At least from what I have heard) But I'm just so sick of every one being so rude to each other, and expecting the worst out of each other.

Interesting Summer Already

So, I was on a date with Brian the other day, and we were sitting in his car. We were just about to get out to walk into the movies when my phone started ringing. I looked at my phone and it was from a number that I didn't recognize. Normally I don't answer phone calls to numbers that I didn't know, but I did for some odd reason. It was my former employer from working with the boy scouts. He asked me if I planned on working with them this summer. He said that he thinks that I am good at what I do and that he would really like to have me back this year. I didn't plan on doing it again. I didn't want to get stuck spending an entire month out of the year with my ex boyfriend at camp. It just didn't sound like fun, but I told him that I would like the job. I have this issue where I can't say no to my employers because they pay me money.
So, I have spent a long time thinking about camp and I decided that it doesn't have to completely suck! I mean I could make it fun. If I just relax a little this year and plan well ahead when my classes start I could have a extremely fun time. So, I started to get super excited to go when I then got a text from my ex boyfriend. He said we should forget everything that happened in the past. (Which made me laugh at his text because HE is the one that has been pestering ME since HE broke up with ME.I thought it was funny that he felt the need to say that to me since he was the one that just kept coming back.) So, I don't know how this summer is going to go. I really need to sit Brian down and see how he really feels about me going to camp where my ex boyfriend will be. I don't want him to have to worry you know? He knows I would never cheat on him, but there is still room to worry.
On another bright side, I'll be closer to Brian at camp then I will be where I live since we live so far away. The camp is right by his house, so maybe on weekends when I am heading back to town I can drop by and say hi to him. Which will be awesome. :D
I just hope that I get the exact same job. If THEY call ME and ask me to work for them does that mean I already have the job? If I am them if I am applying for the same position does that mean they will give it to me? I sure hope I get the same position just because it's a manager position and I feel that I can do a better job this summer.
I don't know. I think WAY too much. I just hope that I can have a fun summer to make up for such a shitty year.

Issues with Facebook Pictures

Today I am so sore! My mom and I are going to call my doctor and see about getting a blood test just to make sure I'm not going to go into what I had.
ANYWAYS...
I would just like to point out that people who listen to their head phones super loud are completely defeating the purpose of what head phones are for. I mean honestly if I can head the music that is being put directly into THEIR ears we have a problem. I just feel bad because all these students will be deaf by the time they are thirty. Sad day.
Also, Face book pictures sometimes drive me crazy.
 If you're going to take a picture of yourself in your bathroom or bedroom at least make an effort to make it look clean. Also whats the point of uploading one hundred of that same pictures on your face book? Most of them look almost exactly the same. Just because your looking a different direction in the picture doesn't mean that you should upload both of them.
Also girls, that thing you do with your lips in all your pictures... ITS NOT CUTE! It looks like you have something sour in your mouth, and no you don't look sexy you look like a freaking duck. You know what else? The pictures of you guys in your sports bras is unnecessary. Your friends know if you work out or not. You're fake athletic picture isn't fooling any body.
Guys, if you don't have abs please don't upload pictures of you without your shirt on, and if you do have abs it just makes you look cocky and desperate. Keep your shirts on. Also, what the heck is up with you guys taking pictures of you shoving your hands down your pants? That's not attractive. It's gross. Why would you even think something like that was something other people would want to see? I don't understand especially when it's low enough that we can see your pubic hairs. I'm so grossed out I don't even know what to say about that.
Couples, man you guys sure are cute, but all the make out pictures are just disgusting. The world doesn't need to see you guys making out. Haven't you ever head the phrase "Get a room?"

Bleh.

I'm sitting in my English class right now. I finished what I needed to get done. I sometimes laugh at myself because I am by far the biggest nerd in this school. I do homework during lunch, I got above and beyond what is expected of me, and I care way too much about the small things. If I didn't do my hair and make up you would put me in the typical nerd stereotype. My cousin Payton and I were having a sleep over one time and I got ready for bed. I took out my contacts and put my glasses on, brushed my teeth and put my retainers in, washed my face and put medicine on my face to prevent any acne, and then I sat down next to her and pulled out a book I was reading. She turned and looked at me and busted up laughing. She told me that I am super gorgeous but I just use that to hide how big of a nerd I am. It's kinda funny I guess if you think about it, but just sitting here being done while everyone else is goofing around on the Internet made me think about it.
I'm scared for track today. Instantly after I stopped running yesterday my legs went into ache mode. I don't want to ruin my help.
Wish me luck. 

Nothing right. Everything wrong.

I went to practice today for the first time since my health scare. I'm kinda depressed right now. I suck. I'm so slow and my legs just burn all the time. My doctors, family, and coaches are all telling me to take it slow. Running isn't exactly a slow sport. I'm frustrated. It seems like nothing comes easy for me.
Running is my get away! I need running to be keep myself sane. I just hope I'll be able to over come this. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have always thought of myself as the tough one, but I am realizing lately that I am a whole lot more dependent then I thought I was.

Teenagers are the most misunderstood people. We're expected to act like adults, but we're treated like kids.

I can't wait to graduate from high school, get a steady job, and live on my own. I'm sick of this crap. My step dad just accused me and my sister of breaking the computer charger. Just because we're teenagers doesn't mean were going to walk around destroying everything in our path. My sister and I are damn good kids, and he is lucky he got stuck with us and not some pot heads or worse. This is ridiculous. A man who demands respect from everyone else can't even give it.