Right now I pretty much feel stepped on by the world. I feel like through peer pressure and the influence of other people is ruining my individuality, goals, and self confidence is going down the drain. I don't know what to do. It would be nice to hear that my hard work is paying off. It would be nice to hear that I should stand up for what I believe in, and what I stand for. But no. Kacee is always getting the raw end of the deal.
So, I had a pretty freaking crappy day. Tomorrow it probably wont seem so bad, but right now it's pretty much crap and a half.
I am so behind from being sick I could just throw up even more. Then, I tried to get caught up in math and my math teacher flat out told me I may as well give up being a 4.0 student because I will never succeed. She said she is going to break that habit now and ensure I get a B. Then, she asked me what I want to go into when I get older and I said marine biologist, forensics, f.b.i., or a therapist. Then she told me I shouldn't become a therapist because I needed one for myself.
I don't know about you guys but that was pretty insulting. First of all, I have succeeded my goal so far what makes her think I can't do it now? Is it because I have blond hair or something? What that supposed to be a dumb blond joke? Cause it wasn't funny. Tearing down a students dream is NOT what she is supposed to do. Not to mention telling them they need therapy? I never did anything to her. It hurt pretty bad. What ever happened to setting high goals and achieving them?
Then, I have everyone pressuring me about all the dances coming up. It wouldn't be that bad if they weren't all formal. I hate dressing up so bad that when I think about it, it makes me sick. I feel like I have to go because I have so many people pressuring me to go. What ever happened to not giving in to peer pressure? Although it may not seem like it, everything I do is to impress everyone around me, and they never seem to be impressed. It's really annoying. Everyone always thinks about the person aside from me. Just because I look tough like I can handle it doesn't mean I can.
I'm just frustrated.
I signed up for these classes for next year:
AP U.S. history, English 11 writers honors, advanced comp., psychology, chemistry, algebra 2, health, and Spanish 3...
Now, I am not even driven to do them, all because everyone keeps tearing me down and telling me I can't fulfill my goals. They keep telling me I should rearrange them. It just all around hurts. Especially when school is the only thing I am good at.
I feel like the world is stepping all over me. Normally when that happens I just spend hours on homework, but I don't even have the confidence to do that now.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
All day with Chris.
I had a fun day. I woke up and went to the declamation contest. I sucked it up and still was very proud of myself. Normally I wouldn't have done it at all, so that is a step up for me. I got to spend all day with Chris. It was great.
Then, I went to Chris's church (yeah me in a church again? haha is the world ending? lol) to baby sit kids for community service. (HAHA! THE WORLD REALLY MUST BE ENDING!) The baby sitting wasn't so great. I really hate kids. There is something about them that just makes me want to hurt them. Sure I admit sometimes there pretty dang cute, but for the most part I dislike them with great intensity.
Then, we went to Chris's house and watched a movie. After all the fighting we do through out the week I am always so glad I didn't break up with him because he makes me happy. (not when were fighting of course, but when were together.) Even when he is upset I still find him cute. I don't know why.
Now I have to go another week without seeing him. Ugh it sucks so bad. When he is around he always has his ways of calming me down. I remember one time I was worrying and freaking out about my grades and he held my face in his hands and told me it would be okay. Then, he wrapped me in a hug. I can't stay mad at him when he is right in front of me. Kinda like the time he accidentally spit in my face. It sounds gross but it was actually freaking hilarious.
So, just so the world knows, Chris is mine. :D Hands off.
He's even got some guys after him. lol.
Then, I went to Chris's church (yeah me in a church again? haha is the world ending? lol) to baby sit kids for community service. (HAHA! THE WORLD REALLY MUST BE ENDING!) The baby sitting wasn't so great. I really hate kids. There is something about them that just makes me want to hurt them. Sure I admit sometimes there pretty dang cute, but for the most part I dislike them with great intensity.
Then, we went to Chris's house and watched a movie. After all the fighting we do through out the week I am always so glad I didn't break up with him because he makes me happy. (not when were fighting of course, but when were together.) Even when he is upset I still find him cute. I don't know why.
Now I have to go another week without seeing him. Ugh it sucks so bad. When he is around he always has his ways of calming me down. I remember one time I was worrying and freaking out about my grades and he held my face in his hands and told me it would be okay. Then, he wrapped me in a hug. I can't stay mad at him when he is right in front of me. Kinda like the time he accidentally spit in my face. It sounds gross but it was actually freaking hilarious.
So, just so the world knows, Chris is mine. :D Hands off.
He's even got some guys after him. lol.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Matt...
Just went through my emails and I got a friend request from my space from my friend Matt. Since I figured I had nothing better to do I got on my space. I haven't been on since July 7th. Jeez!
Any who I went to add him and I noticed his picture. My little friend Matt looks completely different. It's only been five months! What the heck!
Mr. Blondie is no longer blond. His hair is freaking long and black! He used to be buff and pick me up all the time... Well he must be on steroids or something... Cause he's freaking ripped.
Not only that, but he freaking changed his last name!
It guess what I am getting at is it makes me sad that all my friends are changing with out me. I miss him so much! Matt was awesome. He went and watched Eclipse with me. He held me if I ever needed to cry. He came up behind me everyday and gave me hugs. He always told me he was proud of me. He even let me fall asleep on his shoulder at lunch because the night before I was up arguing with my step dad. There are times he called me at three in the morning to make me feel better after a huge break up with Jared. Even when I was having issues with Randy he would work them out for me. Then, when Randy and I broke up he flat out told me that Randy moved on. Which at the time I was mad at him for saying, but really it helped me in the long run. He even programmed "bestfriendlovesyou" as his name in my phone. It's been the same ever since.
Not to mention he's had a crush on me since 8th grade and I've always turned him down and he never went away. Instead he stayed by my side and let me complain about the guys I like even though he liked me. Last night I got a text from him saying,
"All the girls on this planet are bitches except for you." He used to always say that.
AWE I MISS MY MATT!
Check out my side pictures for his name and picture. I just put him there. Should have been there the whole time...
I am a bitch I don't know what he is talking about.
Any who I went to add him and I noticed his picture. My little friend Matt looks completely different. It's only been five months! What the heck!
Mr. Blondie is no longer blond. His hair is freaking long and black! He used to be buff and pick me up all the time... Well he must be on steroids or something... Cause he's freaking ripped.
Not only that, but he freaking changed his last name!
It guess what I am getting at is it makes me sad that all my friends are changing with out me. I miss him so much! Matt was awesome. He went and watched Eclipse with me. He held me if I ever needed to cry. He came up behind me everyday and gave me hugs. He always told me he was proud of me. He even let me fall asleep on his shoulder at lunch because the night before I was up arguing with my step dad. There are times he called me at three in the morning to make me feel better after a huge break up with Jared. Even when I was having issues with Randy he would work them out for me. Then, when Randy and I broke up he flat out told me that Randy moved on. Which at the time I was mad at him for saying, but really it helped me in the long run. He even programmed "bestfriendlovesyou" as his name in my phone. It's been the same ever since.
Not to mention he's had a crush on me since 8th grade and I've always turned him down and he never went away. Instead he stayed by my side and let me complain about the guys I like even though he liked me. Last night I got a text from him saying,
"All the girls on this planet are bitches except for you." He used to always say that.
AWE I MISS MY MATT!
Check out my side pictures for his name and picture. I just put him there. Should have been there the whole time...
I am a bitch I don't know what he is talking about.
Day 3 of having the 24 hour flu
I was told I was only going to be sick for 24 hours... What the heck?
Well now its day three, and my back is killing me from being so sore. I probably shouldn't have eaten that toaster strudel considering I can feel it flip flopping in my stomach and chances are it will be coming up any minute.
I don't care how unhealthy those things are, they are so good. I should have restrained myself from eating one of my favorite no-so breakfast items becomes once it comes back up I'll eternally hate it. Hasn't everyone wondered why I don't like chili?
Normally I would only let myself miss one day of school and tough out the other days, but my grades already suck from moving, I might as well get feeling better before I start getting serious about the whole school thing.
Plus, when I get sick it's not normal. I have OCD so even if I can't stand up, I shower everyday I am sick. Even if that means crawling into the bathroom. Which doesn't help because I scrub my skin off in the shower and do everything I can to get the germs off. I don't know if anyone has tried getting in the shower when they have the flu, but it seriously drains you. I get bored just laying here so I get up and clean, or do homework. All this moving around makes me more sick. I don't know why I do it. I know it is so bad for me, yet I do it anyways.
So, here I am sitting on the computer wasting more energy that could be used to making me feel better.
Well now its day three, and my back is killing me from being so sore. I probably shouldn't have eaten that toaster strudel considering I can feel it flip flopping in my stomach and chances are it will be coming up any minute.
I don't care how unhealthy those things are, they are so good. I should have restrained myself from eating one of my favorite no-so breakfast items becomes once it comes back up I'll eternally hate it. Hasn't everyone wondered why I don't like chili?
Normally I would only let myself miss one day of school and tough out the other days, but my grades already suck from moving, I might as well get feeling better before I start getting serious about the whole school thing.
Plus, when I get sick it's not normal. I have OCD so even if I can't stand up, I shower everyday I am sick. Even if that means crawling into the bathroom. Which doesn't help because I scrub my skin off in the shower and do everything I can to get the germs off. I don't know if anyone has tried getting in the shower when they have the flu, but it seriously drains you. I get bored just laying here so I get up and clean, or do homework. All this moving around makes me more sick. I don't know why I do it. I know it is so bad for me, yet I do it anyways.
So, here I am sitting on the computer wasting more energy that could be used to making me feel better.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
24 hour flu
Yup, you read the title. I got the 24 hour flu. It started yesterday. It sucked so bad. My ENTIRE body hurts from throwing up and all the other yucky stuff that comes with having the flu. I have a horrible migrane, and when ever I stand up I black out and want to throw up. I literally crawled to the fridge to get water cause standing up made me sick. Then I laid there and Chad came in and asked if I was dying. Lol. Its a good think I have only eaten breakfast for the past week. Kinda going on strike til I get a gym pass. No point in eating if I can't burn it off. Which I am glad I did because I didn't throw up as much as my sister did who also has it.
I stayed home today to. Which I decided was a good idea considering I still am very dizzy, sore, and I refuse to eat. Not to mention I had three tests today and no chance to study for them. I hate that when you work so hard to get what you want and things get in the way. I want good grades, and to go to the gym. Is that too much to ask? Jeeze.
Not only was I feeling like crap but I was bored out of my mind. I really wanted to talk to Chris but he must have had more important things on his mind. BUT! Chase called me! Chase is my four year old little brother who can work a cell phone better then my mom. haha. This was my conversation with my little brother who is currently living in a different house:
"Hello?"
"Are you sick Kacee?"
"Yeah, I got a belly ache."
"Awe... I'm sorry."
"Yeah little buddy I've been throwing up all over the place!"
"I'll come get you okay?"
"How you going to do that?"
"The house is all done! I'm come get you. I tried to call you, and press the green button but it didn't work!"
"Why didn't it work?"
"the green button didn't work."
Then I herd my mom in the background and I herd Chase say
"Mom I call Kacee. Can we go get her?"
Then my mom gets on the phone and says sorry she didn't even know he had her phone. I thought it was cute. It made my day. I wanted to talk to someone on the phone. My little brother made my night. He's such a cute little guy.
Guess I should go study for all the tests I missed.
I stayed home today to. Which I decided was a good idea considering I still am very dizzy, sore, and I refuse to eat. Not to mention I had three tests today and no chance to study for them. I hate that when you work so hard to get what you want and things get in the way. I want good grades, and to go to the gym. Is that too much to ask? Jeeze.
Not only was I feeling like crap but I was bored out of my mind. I really wanted to talk to Chris but he must have had more important things on his mind. BUT! Chase called me! Chase is my four year old little brother who can work a cell phone better then my mom. haha. This was my conversation with my little brother who is currently living in a different house:
"Hello?"
"Are you sick Kacee?"
"Yeah, I got a belly ache."
"Awe... I'm sorry."
"Yeah little buddy I've been throwing up all over the place!"
"I'll come get you okay?"
"How you going to do that?"
"The house is all done! I'm come get you. I tried to call you, and press the green button but it didn't work!"
"Why didn't it work?"
"the green button didn't work."
Then I herd my mom in the background and I herd Chase say
"Mom I call Kacee. Can we go get her?"
Then my mom gets on the phone and says sorry she didn't even know he had her phone. I thought it was cute. It made my day. I wanted to talk to someone on the phone. My little brother made my night. He's such a cute little guy.
Guess I should go study for all the tests I missed.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Me.Thinking.I.Really.Need.To.Stop.Doing.That
I know it's late. I am up worrying. I wish I could ask myself questions, and get answers. For example: Why can't I be normal? Why is that so stinking hard?
Should I go to military ball with Chris? Most girls would be flattered and excited to be able to go.
No not Kacee. Kacee gets offended that her boyfriend wants her to wear a dress. She gets upset that he thinks they look pretty on girls.
Why is that so hard for me to just take in?
Most girls dream about this for forever. They spend days picking out dressed, getting tans, finding high heels, figuring out how they are going to do their hair and make up.
Not me. I fight with my boyfriend because I don't want to go. Part of me does because I don't want to look back at high school and wish I had went like my mom does. It is Chris's senior year. His last year to do any of this. He wants to go, and I don't want to ruin this for him.
Also lets look at my previous boyfriends and our ordeals with high school dances:
Jared Terry... because my mom wouldn't let me go he went "alone".
Should I go to military ball with Chris? Most girls would be flattered and excited to be able to go.
No not Kacee. Kacee gets offended that her boyfriend wants her to wear a dress. She gets upset that he thinks they look pretty on girls.
Why is that so hard for me to just take in?
Most girls dream about this for forever. They spend days picking out dressed, getting tans, finding high heels, figuring out how they are going to do their hair and make up.
Not me. I fight with my boyfriend because I don't want to go. Part of me does because I don't want to look back at high school and wish I had went like my mom does. It is Chris's senior year. His last year to do any of this. He wants to go, and I don't want to ruin this for him.
Also lets look at my previous boyfriends and our ordeals with high school dances:
Jared Terry... because my mom wouldn't let me go he went "alone".
- But really he lied and went with the girl he cheated on me with.
= breakup
Randy Fowler... because I couldn't go because I moved to another state he took one of my friends.
- We fought over it for weeks.
- He ended up having a huge crush on her... still does... 6 months later.
= yet again... breakup.
Looking at my previous history... I should probably just go. But a bigger part of me doesn't. I HATE skirts, dresses, and nice clothes. Something about the human race forcing girls and women to wear them. Women literally had to fight for the right to wear pants. I don't want people to think just because I wore them twice I'll keep wearing them. I even went to my dad's funeral in pants.
Also, I feel like it takes away part of me. Like what ever is left of me will be gone. If I wear a dress I'll be stereotyped as just another girl. I'm NOT okay with that. People will smile and be proud of me because I dressed up for such a stupid cause. That makes me sick for some reason... Not to mention Chris's mom will be taking pictures... That's like a suicide call for me right there.
I don't know why I'm like this. Sometimes I wonder if this is from the trauma of my dad dying. I watched him hit my mom. I watched him drink. Yet still, I want to be his little girl forever. I want to go fishing with him. Learn to weld as great as he did. Fix trucks with him. Hand him the wrench, and drink Pepsi on the porch. (I quit drinking caffeine and carbonation for a but... but also cause the taste brings back memories.) I wont have him to lean on. To protect me. To be there when my mom and step dad get out of hand.
that...
or I'm am and have always been doomed to be a walking freak show. A bomb ready to be set off.
I don't know... When Chris and I were talking he said he only went to a high school dance with one girl and it was as friends. He said he didn't even get to dance with her cause she didn't want to dance, but that is a lie. On his face book months ago I saw a picture of them dancing. Why did he feel like he had to lie to me?
Real questions I have to ask myself:
"love" or "being myself:"?
"normalcy" or "individuality"?
S.O.S. Send out signal. HELP! I guess no one can really save me from myself though. I seriously don't know how long I am going to be able to live with myself.
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