My councilor told me to start feeling my feelings...

"Death is the hardest part of life,

Not for those who have passed

But for those left behind.

They are forced to grasp the concept

of leaving this earth to another atmosphere

that we call heaven, that they call home"

*quote found on internet can't find author*

Well she wasn't my councilor, she was my back up councilor for the week. My councilor had her baby and was recovering from being in Labor. (I wondered if she was pregnant or was just one of those people who had a big tummy. Not trying to be rude or anything.) I had a fight with my mom that morning about treating my cousin like crap. (I did treat her like crap.) At first we talked about the fight with my mom, but somehow the councilor knew there was something else up. Turns out there was more on my mind then I thought, and the explosion at my cousin was me breaking at the seams for other crap that was going on. Guess it comes out sometime eh?
We briefly talked about the fight with my mom, but then we moved on quickly to other topics. We talked about not having friends, having hard classes, some living conditions I have been through growing up, my boyfriend, my sisters, my family in general, and my health but all of those were brief...
I was avoiding the topic. I did not want to talk about it, I didn't want to be pathetic and cry over something that happened three years ago. I didn't want the councilor telling me to get over it like my sister does when she sees me crying and asks me what I'm bawling about. (Sharing a room is nice when you're scared of monsters, but for the most part it sucks.) But how could I avoid the topic when she asks so bluntly. What about your dad? Man, I thought I was crying hard before that topic, I was bawling my eyes out now.
What was I suppose to say? Oh, he is better then he has ever been! He no longer is abused my his parents, or being repeatedly hurt by his youngest stuck up daughter, instead he is sleeping on a cloud and chatting with angels... If you believe in that kind of stuff...
After I exploded about how much I missed my dad, and how much it hurts we talked about the side effects of grief. She pulled out a packet on grief and started reading about it. She gave me a copy, and then she looked at me and said,
"Of course you don't need a packet to tell you how you are feeling do you? (She was exactly right, no one can tell me how I am feeling. No one.) Kacee, inside each of us there is only a certain capacity that we can with hold and you have reached your limit. You need to start feeling your feelings. You should try to let it out so it doesn't affect your health like it has. I know through all this you have learned so much." Then she went on about everything she can see that I have learned. Real stuff like how I tell my mom I love her as much as I can, and how I realize that high school isn't my entire life. Not now you know better to treat your parents like shit now. That's besides that point.
So, at a failed attempt to "feel my feelings" I posted not only 12 o'clock at night, but also breaking my parents "no cell phone, or computer after ten" rule. (Not to mention risking being told on by my PMS sister who just woke and told me she is going to tell on me for using the computer so late at night. Normally I would never post that my sister is PMS online, but since no one reads my blog anyways, and that fact that she practically told my boyfriend I was on my period-I consider it payback. Also, my mom promised me that once I got payback on my sister she would not get mad. Well mother this is payback.)
The reason why it's so late is because I stayed up reading a book called "if i stay" by Gayle Foreman. It's about a girl who gets in a car crash and her mom, dad, and brother die except her. Just my luck that out of the 500 books on the shelf I pick one that has something to do with a dead dad. They should have a warning ab out stuff like that on the cover, cause I read the back of the book and it said nothing about death! (The last book I read was called "Scribbler of Dreams" and it was about two dead dad's... Am I supposed to take that as a sign from God or something?)
Anyways, I finally had to put the book down when I read a section of the book that said, "It was horribly depressing - and not just because it was for someone who'd died tragically young and for no particular reason aside from some bad arterial luck." Those words were a huge blow to me. Stupid. What ever. Don't judge me. My dad died was is considered young I guess, and it was bad luck. It was standing at the wrong place at the wrong time when that bucket squished him to death. It hurts, not just because he is gone, but because I have no one to talk about it with.

I don't want to tell my mom because I don't want her to think she doesn't matter.

I can't tell my sisters because they simply don't care.

I don't want to talk to my cousins about it because they never had someone die. They think I should be over it.

It's not like I have friends to talk about it with, and even if I did they wouldn't get it just like my cousin don't get it.

I am too bull headed to admit I really do honestly need counseling, and I have a hard time talking to Chris about it.

Partially because one, he has no idea what I am going through. He has the complete family, and he even told me he had never had someone close to him die. (He tries hard to get it I know he does. One time I cried like an idiot at his house because I was mad at my step mom for sending me a email that pissed me off about my dad. I left a ton of mascara on his shirt because he was holding me while I cried. His mom probably thinks I'm just a stupid girlfriend who wants attention, and then I had to sit at the dinner table face to face with his family. My eyes here beat red, and I no longer had any make up on my face. His dad sat across from me wondering what the heck was wrong with me. Little did anyone know it killed me to look at Chris's dad at that moment. There I was just got done crying over my dead dad while Chris's entire family joked about his dad. AGH! It hurt so bad.) Chris's tries to be there for me I know he does, and he does a good job at it too. It's just hard.

Reason number two why I can't talk to Chris about it is because he is a guy. All guys assume that when a girl cries she is on her period. (And thanks to my sister he knows that I at least have one once a month... I am so mad at her, and for those of you wondering... No, I am not on my period right now!) I want Chris to take me seriously, and not think I am an over emotional girl. Even though I am... My grandma lectured me two days ago that the reason why I am mad all the time is because my grandma and grandpa on my moms side, and my grandma on my dad's side all suffer from chemical imbalances in the brain. She also said she researched it and it is traced through generations of hers and my grandpas side of the family and that I have a 75% chance of having it too. I have it... I know I do. But if I get on something for it no one will take my emotions seriously. I probably wont either and that wouldn't be healthy... It's just not.
If I start admitting and crying to "grief" then maybe I wont be so angry all the time. Maybe I can accept that I don't have a dad, and move on with life... (Yeah, right... I make it sound so easy...) Tonight I am upset. Not because I am on my period, not because I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and am too bull headed to get medicated for it, not because I am trying to get attention, but because I miss my dad.
I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.