The best cup of hot chocolate I have ever had.

Lets rewind a little bit to October 28. Day number two of Brian and I being together. He had asked me out in my family's haunted house while we were scaring people, and the next day he volunteered again. He got in the car with one of those really fancy coffee cups. Like the ones made of like plastic and metal that you put your coffee in like when you go places so it wont spill, and he hands it to me. I thought I was like holding it for him or something, and for a split second I was thinking, Oh my gosh, this relationship is not going to be like this. I am not making you sandwiches, I am not cleaning up your crap, and I'm definately not going to hold YOUR coffee for you. Then he said something along the lines of, "That's hot chocolate, and I got it for you." Yeah, that stopped those thoughts right in their tracks. I know I am quick to assume, but I heard people always say "Never settle for less then what you deserve." So, I spend a good while thinking about him and how he made me hot chocolate, and back then he didn't know how much I LOVE hot chocolate. I felt pretty guilty to drink it though I'm going to have to admit. I thought those rude thoughts about him, I want quick to judge him, and he ended up being like the biggest sweet heart ever.
So after a while of sitting in the warming tent which was more like a huge building, he kept repeating drink it! I got it for you, drink it! I felt pretty guilty for not drinking it, but I also felt like I didnt deserve it. Finally I did drink it because I didn't want to make him feel bad, and it turned out to be the best cup of hot chocolate I have ever have. I asked him how he made it and he just kinda shrugged it off. He told me that he makes it like he always does. So I came up with two conclusions, either Brian makes the best hot chocolate in the world, or it was the thought that he made it for me without me even asking him to that made it taste so good. I don't know, but since then I have been trying different types of hot chocolate and I just can't seem to find one that tastes as amazing as that one did.
So moral of today's post... You know you have found the perfect guy when:

• He gets, makes, or buys you something that you LOVE and he didn't even know you loved it.


• He brings out the better in you.


• He doesnt treat you like a sandwhich making, Cinderella who holds his coffee for him.


• and if he makes extremely good hot chocolate.

Snow on a funeral.

It snowed today. It wasn't tiny snow flakes either, it was thick snow flakes. These kind of snowflakes fall slowly and seem like they are in no hurry to get anywhere.
Why am I talking about snowflakes? Well, my dad loved the snow. It snowed on his funeral day. When it snows as beautiful as it did today, I feel like my dad is around. I really miss him. I feel like the world has robbed me. I'm never going to be the same again. I act like im okay but even now... years later... I'm hurting. Like I get so ANGRY when I see people with their dads. I smile and tell people there lucky, but really I'm so mad inside. What did I do so bad that made the universe pick MY DAD to take away? There are a bunch of kids out there who hate their dad's guts and they still have theirs.
I really honestly sit and wonder if I am the daughter my dad hoped that I would be. I know I'm probably not. I even dissappoint myself. I get SO angry with myself because of who I have turned into these past years since he passed. I used to care about EVERYONE so much, but now I just don't give a damn. I push people away too. I hold on strong to like my boyfriends, but everyone else I push right away. I don't want best girl friends to hang out with. I think its mostly because everyone just makes me SO MAD! I used to not be like this. I don't know. I am so dissappointed in myself. My dad would be dissappointed too.
I think about ending it all alot. Like... What would the world need me for anyways? It is doing fine without someone as AMAZING as my dad, what would it need little old me for? I don't need see the point in everything sometimes.
No one go leaving a bunch of religous comments or I'll be pissed. I don't want to hear what you believe... I DONT CARE! Every religion just doesn't make sense. There is not one religion that seems right. I don't care the argument.
I'm so UNHAPPY all the time! I day dream that I am going to travel the world and do a bunch of humanitarian work. I imagine someday posting pictures of me taking care of not only humans but animals too. I dream of learning to speak other languages and experience different cultures. I picture never having kids and living the wild life. I picture drinking hot chocolate every morning because it's like happiness in a cup. I imagine having a house that literally has no furniture in it and its a piece of crap, not because I am poor but because money wont buy me happiness. Plus, I'll be traveling too much to need any of that anyways. Then, Reality hits me like... the tractor bucket that squished my dad.... I'm probably just going to end up getting pregnant by some ass hole who ends up leaving me. I'll probably get stuck at a job that only pays minimum wage. I'll probably join some bull shit religion that tells women all they are good for is having kids, making sandwiches, and pleasuring men. I'll probably waste my time reading novels about love that I will never have. I'll probably end up fat with kids that are spoiled rotten. I'll end up working myself to death and having no impact on the world at all. I know I'm going to be this HUGE dissappointment.
I wish I had a dad hear to listen to everything and encourage me to do my best. It's just messed up to me. I wish he was here to put his hand on my shoulder like he used to and tell me good job.
Everytime I end up feeling like this the memory of him in my mind pops up of him saying "Kacee, don't cry I would never leave you..."

Sorry for the negativity.

Six Pack (content may leave you upset because you never knew this side of me.)

I recently got addicted to pinterest on the computer. (It's pretty much what I have been doing lately instead of sleeping... yes these bags under my eyes are intentional.) I was looking through the fitness category and felt myself feeling... well... quite shitty. This stuff is unreal! Now let me share something with you my fellow bloggers, I have this problem right.... It's called my pouch... My sister quite often asks how my baby kangaroo is doing... Okay its fat on my lower stomach. yeah yeah sure all girls have it. We need it to have kids and crap. Well if I even decide to have kids.... THAT THING IS GOING TO BE COMFY INSIDE ME CAUSE I HAVE GOT A LOT OF CUSHION! I've been self conscious about it since before I can remember. I currently own over 21 sweat shirts designed specifically to hide this thing. My secret new years resolution is to get rid of this thing, BUT IT WONT GO AWAY! Now I run and work this thing out quite often, and never has it gone down at all.
It's like a zit that wont go away. I run five days a week, and work out my abs after I run. It's my biggest enemy... I look at these pictures of these girls and I am over whelmed with JEALOUSY! I'm going to be honest THESE GIRLS MAKE ME WANNA STARVE MYSELF!

Look at this chicks stomach! COME ON! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH THAT! She had to have been abducted by aliens and experimented on until she was perfect.

Oh yeah and this beach this chick is running by yeah that's my freaking back yard! PSH! I live in the freaking freezer of the United States ladies and gentlemen. I run on the freaking treadmill when its forty below. Where ever this is, buy me a plane ticket I'm heading there.

Oh yeah and my boyfriend... He lifts me up like this all the time! Yeah I don't worry if he is going to drop be or anything. Not a problem for me. This is real ladies and gentlemen.... Oh yeah I have a pet pig also that can fly!

Oh yeah and my butt! it looks like this. Yup. Nice and firm and tight. in fact the guy that took this picture just photo shopped my butt onto this anorexic chicks legs....

Yeah these abs. I have them too! All those miles i run every weak, and that not drinking caffeine or carbonation for almost four years... yup It led me to abs like these.

I mean what do these photographers do? Travel the world looking for the girl with a goddess body and then take pictures of her from different angles so that we think its a different chick. I mean where are the heads on most of these girls anyways!?!?! I MEAN I DON'T BLAME THEM IF I HAD THAT HORRIFYING BODY I WOULD HIDE MY FACE TOO! :(

Oh yeah also I'm a MMA chick fighter girl. That handful of gummy bears I just ate? Yeah don't worry about it. I'll just call my personal trainer tomorrow and he will help me work at off... Hey at least this girl isn't showing off her six pack.

Oh yeah I have a pole in my kitchen too that I work out on all the time...

Forget running and all this crap just give me some steroids like this chick... She knows how to really get things done.... she isn't measuring to see how many inches she lost... shes measuring to see how much fake muscles she gained...

HOLEY CRAP! How dare she put a picture like this on the Internet! WHAT A FATTY! Goll.... Malibu barbie needs to watch what she eats... shes really pushing it. Better go grab the tooth brush and get rid of that.... SKIN! WHAT A DISGRACE TO WOMEN!

Where are her stretch marks?! I have had my face three centimeters from the screen and i see none... WHAT THE HECK!

Majority of girls boobs are made up of fat. This girl doesn't have an ounce of fat on her body.... Those boobs are bound to be fake ....

I drink water! ALL THE TIME! I live off of it I HAVEN'T HAD CAFFEINE OR CARBONATION FOR FOUR YEARS WHERE IS MY STOMACH LIKE THAT?!

oh yeah I stretch like this before I run all the time. (THIS IS INSANE!!!!....(stands up and trys it...)

forget all the boob jobs, that starving myself, and all that crap. I'm going for the steroids like Helga over here. She knows where the money is at. SEE YOU AT THE OLYMPICS HELGA! I know... I know... Kacee you're being quite ridiculous... But seriously I needed to complain to some one other then poor Brian. He can only say "You don't need to be perfect, just perfect for me" so many times. I work out A LOT! but it just seems like I don't get anywhere. I'm sick of hiding my "kangaroo pouch" as my sister calls it. What happened to sexy being the girls with a little meat on them? I bet when my mom was growing up fitness wasn't the girl with the six pack and super buff arms...
Well thanks for listening to me rant...

That's all folks!

Great Way to Start the New Year!!!

On New Years I managed to get my family to allow Brian over. My whole night lit up when I saw his silver mustang pull up in my aunt and unlce's drive way. We ate and then sat on the couch. I'm gonna admit. I felt pretty loved. When Brian is around I feel like he gives me all his attention, but not in a creepy way. ANYWAYS! I saw a different side of him that night. Maybe not a different side, It's probably there all the time, but I just recognized it. Brian didn't expect me to get him a plate of food, and he didn't expect me to clean up after him. Infact, he even offered to get me some dessert. I know that some of you are thinking okay so what?! But to me that is a HUGE deal. There is nothing worse then a guy who thinks that his girlfriend is just supposed to serve him. Nothing pisses me off more. That one thing he did that was so small made my New Years start out awesome!
After dinner my family asked him if he wanted to play cards. He looked at me with this look... It was a can I go? type look. SO CUTE! I wasn't feeling very well so I told him to go play. While he played cards I got a blanket and laid on the couch. In truth, I felt like CRAP! I got a cut on my nose then I got a cold so it was all gross and infected. (yes I did put stuff on it to get rid of it.) Anyways after he played cards he came and laid on the couch with me even though he was full aware of my cold and gross nose. I had a bacteria breeding ground on my nose and he still kept calling me pretty.
The couch we were laying on was super small... He is like six foot two and I am like five eleven and still somehow he could fit on it. Mainly because he had his arm around my wasite holding me on the couch. It was the little things that night that were just AHHHHHH! Like when I turned to look up at him and he is already looking at me with a cute grin on his face, when we are holding hands and he slides his thumb slowly back and forth, and when he goes to tickly my sides and i flinch because i get self concious and he tells me I have nothing to worry about because he likes my body. ALL IN A NON CREEPY WAY!
It was time to go outside for firework and I was pretty msierable. I was sick and it was fourty two BELOW outside. We got out jackets and he handed me a hand warmer. We got outside by the fire with a banket wrapped around us, then all the sudden he hugs me SUPER tight. I said, "Are you cold?" and he said, "No I just wanted to hug you."
Then all the sudden my aunt yells, "ITS MIDNIGHT!" He looked at me and kissed me. I was not worried whether or not my family was looking, I wasn't worried if my infected nose grossed him out, I wasnt worried about how sick I was and I wasnt worried about the cold. I was SO HAPPY! I kept thinking over and over what a great way to start the new year... Then a couple minutes later he kissed me again when a firework went off right above us. (That has been a goal that I wanted to check off on a list I made to do before I turned 18.)
BEST NEW YEARS EVER! ... No best boyfriend ever!