Snow on a funeral.

It snowed today. It wasn't tiny snow flakes either, it was thick snow flakes. These kind of snowflakes fall slowly and seem like they are in no hurry to get anywhere.
Why am I talking about snowflakes? Well, my dad loved the snow. It snowed on his funeral day. When it snows as beautiful as it did today, I feel like my dad is around. I really miss him. I feel like the world has robbed me. I'm never going to be the same again. I act like im okay but even now... years later... I'm hurting. Like I get so ANGRY when I see people with their dads. I smile and tell people there lucky, but really I'm so mad inside. What did I do so bad that made the universe pick MY DAD to take away? There are a bunch of kids out there who hate their dad's guts and they still have theirs.
I really honestly sit and wonder if I am the daughter my dad hoped that I would be. I know I'm probably not. I even dissappoint myself. I get SO angry with myself because of who I have turned into these past years since he passed. I used to care about EVERYONE so much, but now I just don't give a damn. I push people away too. I hold on strong to like my boyfriends, but everyone else I push right away. I don't want best girl friends to hang out with. I think its mostly because everyone just makes me SO MAD! I used to not be like this. I don't know. I am so dissappointed in myself. My dad would be dissappointed too.
I think about ending it all alot. Like... What would the world need me for anyways? It is doing fine without someone as AMAZING as my dad, what would it need little old me for? I don't need see the point in everything sometimes.
No one go leaving a bunch of religous comments or I'll be pissed. I don't want to hear what you believe... I DONT CARE! Every religion just doesn't make sense. There is not one religion that seems right. I don't care the argument.
I'm so UNHAPPY all the time! I day dream that I am going to travel the world and do a bunch of humanitarian work. I imagine someday posting pictures of me taking care of not only humans but animals too. I dream of learning to speak other languages and experience different cultures. I picture never having kids and living the wild life. I picture drinking hot chocolate every morning because it's like happiness in a cup. I imagine having a house that literally has no furniture in it and its a piece of crap, not because I am poor but because money wont buy me happiness. Plus, I'll be traveling too much to need any of that anyways. Then, Reality hits me like... the tractor bucket that squished my dad.... I'm probably just going to end up getting pregnant by some ass hole who ends up leaving me. I'll probably get stuck at a job that only pays minimum wage. I'll probably join some bull shit religion that tells women all they are good for is having kids, making sandwiches, and pleasuring men. I'll probably waste my time reading novels about love that I will never have. I'll probably end up fat with kids that are spoiled rotten. I'll end up working myself to death and having no impact on the world at all. I know I'm going to be this HUGE dissappointment.
I wish I had a dad hear to listen to everything and encourage me to do my best. It's just messed up to me. I wish he was here to put his hand on my shoulder like he used to and tell me good job.
Everytime I end up feeling like this the memory of him in my mind pops up of him saying "Kacee, don't cry I would never leave you..."

Sorry for the negativity.