I didn't ever want to lose that.

"In time, the hurt began to fade and it was easier to just let go. At least I thought it was. But every boy I met in the next few years, I found myself looking for you, and when the feelings got too strong, I'd write you another letter. But I never sent them for fear of what I might find. By then, you'd have gone on with your life and I didn't want to think you had gone on loving someone else. I wanted to remember us like we were that summer. I didnt ever want to lose that."
Nicholas Sparks

I am doing fine, when I'm busy and not sitting alone and letting my mind wonder. That is how I cope with things. Don't anyone go on and tell me that doing this is unhealthy, I know its bad for me, but it's alot better that feeling the feelings that are meant to be felt. It's not that I am upset the relationship ended. I knew it was going to end. It's the little things I am uspet about. Now, I no longer have someone to hold me when I cry, or bring me hot chocolate when I am sick. I no longer feel the purpose that someone out there wants to hang out with me everyday like he did. I loved fighting with him because it made him want to talk to me and figure things out. It made me feel like there was always hope in the world, that no matter what someone wanted to be with me no matter what a pain I am. I know that the fun things we did last summer, I'll probably never have the chance to do again.
It's the good times we had that I am going to miss.
I hope he finds someone who makes him happy. Someone who made him happier then I ever could have. Someone who looks at the world through the same lense that he does. Someone who is happy growing up in a repeated cycle that his mom and dad grew up and lived in.
I know that every second he is with another girl, I'll be jealous, but I don't care. I know that when I see him in the store holding hands with a girl who once was me, I'll go home and cry. I know that when I'm forgotten and he is no longer hurting, I'll be lost in the past forgotten. I know whats going to happen, but what I feel and think doesn't matter anymore.