I HATE THIS!!!

Honestly why does the second I think things are going to get better for me they just get worse? I thought moving to Alaska things would get better. I thought school would be full of less drama, and that I would make friends easily. I thought being here I would be able to heal from loosing my dad cause I don't have so many reminders of him. I thought that the whole religion thing would just blow over. I thought long distant relationships wouldn't be so hard. BUT IT IS! IT ALL IS SO FREAKING HARD!
School here is so hard. Everyone stares at me... Friends here would be super easy to make but then again I'm trying so hard to get good grades that I don't have time to make friends! I've been doing homework til 11 o'clock every night since the first day of school. I can't understand what the teachers are asking of me. The schools down in Utah seem like preschool compared to here. My school is doing harder things then Ashley's is... SHE'S IN COLLEGE! So, I don't have time to hang out with friends ever...
I am reminded of my dad here more then ever! People here are always upset that there dad's might not come back... but my is already gone he never will! Then the winter is coming and he loved winter. And my uncles when they say "I love you" to me I just want to burst into tears... and I keep having dreams about my dad... It's so hard.
Religion here is so much better. I feel like I can believe my own things with out all the pressure... but then I saw the fourth kind and now that just freaked me out.
The worst part of all is the long distant relationship thing... Randy and I are falling apart! I don't know what to do! I want him to be mine forever. He is perfect. He is everything to me but all we do now is fight! And I know he wants to break up I can feel it. But he is too nice to say that he wants to. He likes someone else... at least it feels that way... I don't want to break up with him. There is no one on this planet that could compare to him. I would be miserable... I would compare every guy that talked to me to him and then I would be lonely for the rest of my life... I don't want us to fall apart. It's so hard to NOT be jealous of all the girls he hangs out with... He even wanted to take my friend to prom... on a date! I tried so hard to be cool about it but I just snapped. I don't know. It's not fair! I should be going to prom with MY boyfriend... It sucks... He takes pictures with other girls... that should be ME!!!! He hangs out with a bunch of girls and has the time of his life... that should be me... But the worst part is is even if I did live in Utah he probably still wouldn't be happy. I don't think he has ever been happy with me. Would if I am not good enough?
Honestly... I am hanging onto life with just a single thread... before I just snap and not care about anything.