•" When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

It doesnt hurt anymore. I don't think I miss him either. I am not going to be the second pick again. Just because someone else didn't want him doesnt mean he has the right to get back together with me.
I don't believe in second chances, and I don't believe in honest mistakes.
I believe that if you love someone you'll go out on a limb to make them see. You'll make it known. Until then, I am happy being single. Infact, I'm kind of enjoying it.

"It's actions, not words, that matter"

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions your should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."
~Nicholas Sparks
I understand it now. I understand it all. All those times I did things for him, that he took for granite. All things I swore to myself I would never do, I did for him. I did so much, and yet I am the one that ended up with a broken heart. I should have realized what Nicholas Sparks is talking about. I should have noticed all the times he didn't do things for me that I asked him to do... I shouldn't have even had to ask. He should have just understood.
It's annoying that I ruined so much for a guy who only thought of himself.

"It's impossible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief... lessons. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so over whelming."
~Nicholas Sparks
Another thing seriously frustrating me right now is how much I miss my dad. I was talking to a friend in Utah and she seems to think that I am never happy. That I make myself miserable. I don't. I put a smile on my face everyday. I am hurting every day of my life. I am missing so much that she gets every freaking day. If anything she is the one who makes herself miserable because she complains over the little things like not being able to hang out with friends. The crap I am going through is something most people don't have to experience until they are forty. She has no room to judge or talk. I assume that friends would try to help, but they all can't see past their own noses.

Sitting on the sidelines

"The emotions that can break your heart are sometimes the very one that heals it..."-Nicholas Sparks

Growing up we think of a lot of things, we think about learning to ride a bike, going on our first date, heart break, prom, learning to drive, and getting married... Every detail in all of those include having a dad. I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines of life and watching everyone take advantage of what I'll never have.
Hunting season is here and I sit and watch people leave school to go spend time with their dad's. I hate it. I can't drive because I pass out, but when I do learn to drive I will be wishing I was with dad. I miss him.
I know going through this has taught me a lot of things. I guess you can say the emotions that come with death sure did heal my heart in a way. I am more compassionate and understanding, but it's not worth it. It all just hurts WAY too bad.

I didn't ever want to lose that.

"In time, the hurt began to fade and it was easier to just let go. At least I thought it was. But every boy I met in the next few years, I found myself looking for you, and when the feelings got too strong, I'd write you another letter. But I never sent them for fear of what I might find. By then, you'd have gone on with your life and I didn't want to think you had gone on loving someone else. I wanted to remember us like we were that summer. I didnt ever want to lose that."
Nicholas Sparks

I am doing fine, when I'm busy and not sitting alone and letting my mind wonder. That is how I cope with things. Don't anyone go on and tell me that doing this is unhealthy, I know its bad for me, but it's alot better that feeling the feelings that are meant to be felt. It's not that I am upset the relationship ended. I knew it was going to end. It's the little things I am uspet about. Now, I no longer have someone to hold me when I cry, or bring me hot chocolate when I am sick. I no longer feel the purpose that someone out there wants to hang out with me everyday like he did. I loved fighting with him because it made him want to talk to me and figure things out. It made me feel like there was always hope in the world, that no matter what someone wanted to be with me no matter what a pain I am. I know that the fun things we did last summer, I'll probably never have the chance to do again.
It's the good times we had that I am going to miss.
I hope he finds someone who makes him happy. Someone who made him happier then I ever could have. Someone who looks at the world through the same lense that he does. Someone who is happy growing up in a repeated cycle that his mom and dad grew up and lived in.
I know that every second he is with another girl, I'll be jealous, but I don't care. I know that when I see him in the store holding hands with a girl who once was me, I'll go home and cry. I know that when I'm forgotten and he is no longer hurting, I'll be lost in the past forgotten. I know whats going to happen, but what I feel and think doesn't matter anymore.

Once your in the friends zone, you never come out!

So Chris got screwed over by a girl, he deserved it. I found a new guy... and he wants to just be friends... Katie says, "once your in the friend zone, you never come out!" THAT IS SO TRUE! Of course the only time i find a cute tall guy he just wants to be friends. All because I remind him of some girl he dated his freshman year that was his best friends that his relationships ruined. sounds to me like he wants me forever... forever sucks... friends suck. I dont want to be friends ! Heart broke twice within a two week zone... im on a roll

What did I do this time?

Chris broke up with me about a weekish ago. He gave me no reason. I am sitting here wondering what I did. I know I screw up alot but he was always going on about fighting through it and compromising, yet he was the one who just broke it off for no reason. I'm hurting all over and I don't know what to do. I have thought over and over about what I have done wrong. I am fine with the break up until i see him, then it hurts, and he seems completely fine with it. He tells me to go date other guys but then goes and posts crap about me on facebook when I do. Now I have herd he is going around talking crap about it... it hurts... alot.

Well I got my haircut...

I hope you guys like it because I sure do. Its less of a pain to deal with and it's super healthy! No more dying my hair for a long time! Except I cant get my hair to style like it is in the picture. (The lady who cut my hair styled it like that and i am having issues styling it.) I will figure it out somehow.

I start work soon and that means posting will be harder... since i wont be home AT ALL for five days... maybe ill find some happiness through doing soemthing with my life...

debating on antidepressants

For those of you wondering what I meant by my blog wont let me post... I mean it wont let me post comments on other peoples blog... its so frustrating!