NEW YEARS RESOLUTION.... Seriously this time...

Chris and I went to the movies and saw Tangled. Would have been better without all the singing. tee hee. but I liked it. Now Chris... I'm not so sure of. lol. He was sleeping or sitting there with his eyes closed... one of the two. lol. :D
Guess what!?
Randy and I are friends again. I quite missed him... A lot.

New Years. I suck at new years. I never get my goals finished. I'm determined this year. :D
MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!
-Get running again despite if my hips hurt.
-Actually do weight lifting. Cause I know the second I walk into the class with just boys I'll freak especially if I don't know them.
-Get good grades, and hang out with friends... Yeah... That one will be hard lol.
-Stay with Chris after the move. Cause I know I'll regret losing him.
-Yeah that six pack you've been wanting... actually get it this time... Even if you have to steal Perry's magic belt.
-Get a job at FAC. FREE MEMBERSHIP!
-Community service for scholarships.
-Don't dye hair...
-Don't use phone after ten... oh... this will be hard.
-Healthy food like last year.
-Visit Utah.
-Drivers License... get on it.
-Keep 4.0 or start on getting that associates degree.
-learn to play piano.

... Kacee... What the heck happened to you?

Congratulations... you've entered the blog of pure stupidity... topic: me.

What the freak? Hello? (knock knock) You in there? I look in the mirror and I see myself, but when you dig deeper it's not Kacee. Or is it? Am I just a hollow body for my long lasting multiple personality's to stay in for a while? I need counseling... something. Cause this just isn't working out.
Maybe I should add to my about me section on myspace that not only do I have multiple personalities but I am also sexist... and not sure what sex side I should be on... Rooting for both sides... such a team player... I am a mistake... I know it... Do you know anyone else who HATES ABSOLUTELY HATES being a girl as much as I do? It's a curse... My parents should have committed infacide..
Seriously I could win the Nobel prize for being the most ungrateful thing on the planet... hey at least I would be rich right? ... and still I would hate life. It's like I want myself to be miserable. cause it takes too much energy to try to be happy.
hey guys remember the little girl you used to catch butterflies in a field with her hands? The one who wanted a prince charming? The one who wanted kids, and and believed in the church? REMEMBER?!?!!?
Yeah she is gone. That seems to be the only multiple personality I don't possess...
She's gone...
Some one pull out the straight jacket and cushioned room cause Kacee is going to need it.

Pathetic attempt to start a new life haha

It's been two and a half months. Two and a half months of home work, and failed attempt to make any friends. What a pathetic way to start life in Alaska. I would have friends if I had time to focus on them, but I don't. Teachers here must have no lives, because they absorb themselves in students lives by giving them homework. What a sorry excuse to imprint your being on 200 students every night. Wouldn't you agree?
Notice that running isn't in my list of things? Yeah. Well. Needless to say I have the worst possible hips God could have given me. I'm on so many medicians it's insane. Walking to much hurts them. I'm losing my muscle mass, and I have been told many times that I look like I'm not eating. I do eat. When I have time. Which isn't much. It's been decided that running needs to take part in my life or I will have lost myself. That's final. And it doesn't help I keep having dreams my sister has a six pack. Needless to say my new years resolution is going to be the same it has been for the past.... five years.

3 years without you...

It's been how long since you've been gone?
I didn't think the hurt would last so long.
People see me and think I'm okay,
as I survive through the hurt eachday.
The hurt is still here and I miss you so...
More then anyone would ever know.

There is a piece missing and I can't get it back.
I've been looking, but I'm so off track.
How am I expected to last through life,
when each day all the hurt is cutting like a knife?
I've changed since that phone call that day,
when I learned you wasted away...

I'm trying to hold on; praying for the happiness back.
It's the one thing I most often lack.
Where have all the good things gone?
What am I supposed to do from now on?
You memorial day is coming, what do I do?
I can't stand missing the man I once knew.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN!

You know people change... most the time it's for the worst.
Sometimes it's for the best... but most the time I've seen it for the worst.
I'm sick of thinking I know people and then turn around and realize there not the people I've come to know and love.
Friends, family, enemies... It's all the same.

People say I should keep high expectations for myself...
But how can I do it when those same people are tearing me down?
I DO want good grades. I WONT do drugs. I WONT get pregnant as a teenager... I doubt I'll get pregnant at all. I will NOT act a certain way to make people happy. YES I DO speak my mind... AND GUESS WHAT THERE IS NOTHING ANY ONE CAN DO ABOUT IT!
I'm not the average teenager. I care more about things teenagers shouldn't care about like grades.. and things teenagers should care about I don't care about like friends and boyfriends.

People here in Alaska think I'm negative... and its true. But I don't care! I'm so done with trying to be happy... many people say it takes more muscles to frown then to smile... If that smile is fake it takes more energy to smile. I'm all about showing how I truly feel and what I truly think. The only people I need to impress...is ... ME! If Something sucks... I'll complain about it.

NO ONE is going to tell me how to act, or what I should be. Tell me to act like a young lady... and ill purposely chew with my mouth open... tell me the only thing i am good for is having kids and being a stay at home mom.... just to make you angry ill go work at a construction site... see what I am saying? The more you tell me to do something... the more I don't want to do it.

AND! I stress out alot... therefore I am allowed to throw fits because I CARE! If I didn't care i wouldnt throw a fit.... because it means alot to me i throw fits.
People tell me not to bottle it up inside... and when i do let it all out they get angry... well guess what! IM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT!

I'm not okay with being average... im not okay with blending in or being what people expect me to be. I'm not into impressing everyone...I'm not into fitting in... I'm going to do what I want... Whats good for me... hate me all you want... but there isn't anything you can do about it... unless you kill me... and that wont happen :D

well then...

It's really hard not knowing what I want all the time. Now that all my goals in life are down the toilet its like I have nothing to look forward to. You know? I also really like this kid but I find myself pulling away. He will come up to my locker and talk to me and I'll say,
"That's cool... well see you later!" I like him, yet I always pull away. I don't now don't really care if people talk to me or not. The high light of my day is bed time. lol. It's super sad. I'm trying to keep happy and trying to be thankful... after all this is what I wanted. I just don't know. It's like when ever I get upset about one thing... Everything that has ever gone wrong in my life just hits me like a water fall and the tears just keep coming! I just gah.
Apparently I suck at flirting.

Things are getting better.

Hola mis amigos. Como esta? Yo soy timido.
Things are getting better I guess. I mean there not getting better I'm just getting used to the fact that I can't go do fun stuff on week days due to lots of homework. I've been getting less homework, but when I don't have homework then that means I'm working on huge quarterly projects. I'm getting used to the thought that homework takes up all my time. Also, I'm now used to sleeping the entire weekend away because of lack of sleep. I don't get much sleep on week nights cause I have so much homework then I lay in my bed and worry about things. I'm finally just getting used to it.
Except this week end I haven't gotten a lot of sleep which means I'm going to be screwed this upcoming week. Yesterday... Saturday... I forced my cousin Mckensie to go with me to the cross country meet with me. We had to get up at 6:45. Then, I spent the entire freezing on the sidelines cheering for my team. I was stupid and only brought two sweat shirts. Luckily, Mickey gave me her gloves, and Chris gave me his gloves and his jacket. Even though it was freezing and Kensie didn't seem like she was having fun I had fun. I got to talk to the kid I liked... like a real conversation in person for a couple of minutes. Wooh. The boys ended up winning region, and the girls would of if they had another runner... It's not my fault! Which reminds me I haven't told you guys. I hurt my hip, and went up going to a sports medican doctor. I hurt my hip last year at state cross country and this whole season it has been hurting so bad! The doctor said the muscles that are attached to my hip are inflamed. Also the tissue in my hip that keeps my muscle from rubbing up against my hip is wearing away. My entire hip is inflamed. So, now I have to take 12 pills a day for a week, then after that week I have to take one pill a day for five weeks. On top of that I have to ice my entire hip for 30 minutes three times a night everyday for a month, go to physical therapy to get electricity in it, and something else I don't know what.Also, I have to put patched on it to help with the pain. If ALL that doesn't work I have to get injections put in it.Then, once the inflammation is out I have to go to physical therapy to strengthen my hips because they are so weak. The doctor says that the rest of the muscles on my legs are more muscular then a high school athlete and that's very rare, but my hip muscles which are supposed to be the strongest muscles in my body are extremely weaker then a regular person which is also weird. I guess the rest of my muscles were growing bigger to make up for the muscle loss in my hips. So, they are going to strengthen my hip... once that is done I'll be a freaking power house. Anyways, I felt bad the girls didn't make it to state because of me.
Then, this morning I was woken up at 7:00 to go work on the haunted house. I also froze my butt off after a while. Once I got home I fell asleep. Now, I'm trying to get up the energy to go do my homework.
Things are getting better now that I like a guy, but I refuse to talk to him. Cause I know he is too good for me and would never like me. So, I'll just secretly like him. What ever. I still miss Randy though. I told him to stop talking to me because not having him hurts so freaking bad. The worst part is I think he is fine without me. But it's okay. As long as I avoid face book, and texting people from Utah so I don't hear him talk to other girls, hang out with them, and read how awesome it is being single.... WHAT A JERK! :(

UNGREATFUL!

Hey,
I'm sitting at my Aunt Hailey's house right now. Sometimes I loose track of the things I have, and I get complaining and because I'm so caught up in the moment I don't acknowledge what I have. My aunt and uncles have bought me and Chase tickets to get up here. They given me not one but two homes! wooh. They let me use their things like they are my own, and not only that but listen to me complain knowing everything they have given me. It's not really fair to them. I don't know how to let them know how great my entire family has been. cousins. aunt. uncles. grandma. grandpa. but most importantly my mom. I wish I could tell them without sounding like a nerd. ha ha. I feel bad for my mom though. She is so stressed. She moved up here for my sister and I and were having the hardest time adjusting. Not only that but she is having a hard time getting a job. But once we get a house, and she is on her own to feet again everything will be great... right?!

BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Things have been falling into, and out of place. I feel like I am running in circles. The problem with running in circles is you never get anywhere!
I went to the movies on Saturday night with an old friend named Josh. I missed him alot! He's a great friend, and he was obviously super happy to see me. We started talking like we never stopped it was great. When the movie (Inception) started he moved around in his chair alot. I ignored it at first. Until he also put his arm on the same arm thing my arm was on. I mean I was fine with staring but he purposly was rubbing his arm against mine and then draping his hand super close to mine. He wanted to hold hands! I thought about it and... It just didn't fit. Me holding hands with one of my best guy friends. It just doesn't work. Not only that but I thought of Randy and how I would feel if he held Brook's hand and I just got sick in my stomache. Not that were together anymore. It shouldn't matter. I guess it didn't help that I was sitting in the movies while Randy was dancing the night away with one of my old friends having the time of his life. I mean I had fun to, but I wished it was with him. Then, I thought of the new guy I like and how unfair it would be that if that guy started to talking to me then that pretty much meant I would have been leading Josh on, and it just doesn't work. I can't treat people like that. It's not who I am.
I got home and I was so upset! I don't know I was fine with hearing how Randy had a great time, and hugged her. Heck! I would have been fine if they kissed I was that confortable with it... until I logged into facebook. I saw what Randy wrote. It said how he loves being single because now he can do what ever he wants, and went on about how great it was. It just... broke my heart all over again. I can't fight back the fact that I still love him! I just can't. But I can't hold onto somehting that isn't there anymore. If he doesn't love me then he doesn't love me. I thought long and hard about it and decided it would be best if he just didn't talk to me at all. I told myself that I can't look around on facebook and read other poeple's posts because I would get jealous of him. I need to check comments and get off. That's it. I can't keep torturing myself... or I'll be doing bad things to myself. So, Randy is gone. That's that.
Other stuff: Things at school are getting a little strange haha. Here people notice everything I swear! Do you have any idea how many times a day people come up to me and ask if I am crying? I'm not! Today I was told three things. 1) that I have beautiful eyes. 2) That I look like I am crying. 3) That I am fierce! ... Fierce really? Do I look like I am that mad!?!
Also, there is a boy at my school. Haha. Bless his heart! He came running to tell me that he got a scholarship for running., but I was on the phone with my mom. So, he settled for telling Katie. Then, yesterday at home my mom was like, "Who is that kid who got the scholarship?" I had no idea what she was talking about lol. She said that Chris wanted to tell me, but I was on the phone. I felt so bad! Then today he said,
"Hey Kacee! What movie did you go see?!" I said,
"Inception. Where you at the movies that night?!"
"Yeah!"
"Hey, I herd you got a scholarship or something?!"
"Yeah! A scholarship for cross country."
"Hey that's awesome!"
*high five here!*
"What movie did you go see?!" He said some scary movie.
"Oh..."
"Don't like scary movies?!"
"No, I do.. just not devil ones."
I don't really know him, but he seemed to adopt me as his friend. lol. He's super cute I think. He just isn't the guy I like you know?!

.....

Also, there is this boy... not naming names cause that would be rude, but he is driving me crazy! He likes me I guess but he wont leave me alone! He sits right next to me in this one class where we dont have assigned seats. I purposly sit in a table that has no one in it so I dont have to talk to anyone and he just plops right down next to me! He also signs up for the same group as me and it's so annoying. UGH! Everyone says he always talks about me too...

Great.

Boy-o!

Hey Everyone.
So, You notice that in my last post I mention a boy. Yeah. I don't know. I honestly want to be alone. Like I don't want anymore boyfriends for the rest of my life. I'm sick of them all turning into jerks. It's not like I mean for them to turn into jerks. It's not my fault! I swear I didn't do anything to them, but love em. Maybe I just spoiled them. So yeah... I want to be alone until I see him. Goll... It's so annoying.
So... It started out and I joined the cross country team. Duh. We all knew I'd do that. Even though I was pretty sure everyone on the team thought I was weird I kept going. There is only like 4 girls on the team, and I refused to talk to the boys cause I had a boyfriend. The only time I would talk to them was if they made conversation with me... Which wasn't very often. One day during practice we had to do sprint work outs, and everything we do sprint work outs they all take off their shoes so I said,
"Do we have to take off our shoes?" And they all were like,
"No, you don't but you should try it, it feels really good!" I thought about my foot size and said,
"No thanks these are new socks." And then they were all like,
"Well then, take off your socks!" I finally just gave in and said,
"I have freaking huge feet!" and this girl on my team said,
"Oh don't worry I know how you feel I wear size 10." I just kinda looked at her and said,
"We'll.. I wear size 12." and They all kinda got quiet... Yeah... I was pretty embarrassed. Then this boy (the one I now like) had this really concentrated look on his face and then he said,
"What's the shoe size different between boys and girls?" and his friends said,
"1 1/2" and his face lit up and he said,
"DUDE! KACEE! WE COULD TOTALLY SHARE SHOES!" Then, his friend said,
"Well technically you'd be sharing shoes with me cause he stole all my shoes." I just was like allright, and started sprinting. I didn't think anything of it.

Then, I broke up with Randy, and didn't feel like I had to NOT talk to boys you know?

So, then everytime I would walk into the room we met for cross country I felt like they were always talking me and now that I was in the room they had to be quiet. I always felt like that!

Then, during cross country he asked me why I always looked mad. I told him that I wasn't always mad and that I didn't know what he was talking about! Then, the day later I was running and this boy was trying to splash another girl on my team and it hit me and I was drenched... later on in that practice my coach said that the he had to run with me so I wouldn't get lost. Then, he said,
"Great quality mad time with Kacee!" During that pratice he hit a tree and all the water on the branch from when it started raining fell on me and got me wet... Then I said,
"Wow... If I get wet one more time..." And he then got this look in his eye and hit every tree I ran under... getting me wet. I didn't think much of that either.

Then, in the hallways he would be talking to his friends and he would whisper and they would always look at me. What the heck...
Then, one day I got a friend request on facebook. It was him.

One time after lunch I was waiting by my biology teachers door for her to let us in and his locker was by the door. Then, all the sudden I hear,
"WHAT KACEE HAS PIERCING EYES?!" I turn around to see Him and his friend laughing. So, I just looked and them and said,
"What?" His friend walked away and he said,
"Your eyes pierce my soul."
"What do you mean?!"
"You always look mad, Like even in your facebook pictures. Especially when you had black hair. AH! Piercing eyes!"
"Oh it was you that added me to facebook?! I didn't know who you were!"
"You didn't look at my pictures?!"
"No! That's a little stalkerish don't you think?!"
"He just smiled and walked to his next class."

That's when it hit me... He is really... REALLY cute! So, I get home and look at his facebook pictures and I decided I liked him... Goll. Don't I ever learn!?

That day after school, I had to go to the 8th graders basketball game with my cousin and I DIDN'T want to go! I wanted to go do something else! Then, I got in there and saw him... I then started doing my homework and I pointed him out to paint and she was like,
"Oh he's cute, and he is staring at you too!"

The day after that I was walking in the hallway and as I pass hima nd some chick I hear the chick say,
"Oh is that her?! She's cute!" So... I don't know waht that means, and I didn't see who they were talking about...

I commented on his picture and it stared a huge conversation on facebook.
I hate it. I hate it. I HATE IT! Someone please come tell me what I am getting into! I just decided I am going to let him do everything. If he wants to talk to me... then he can. But I can not to any of it. Chances are he will move on and I can stick with homework, running, and food. I'm good with that.

It's gonna get bad,,, before it gets better.

Goll... Everything just sucked for the longest three weeks of my life. All Randy and I did was fight fight fight... he got to the point all he had to say was I don't care while I was trying to fix everything. He was getting so mean to me... and I couldn't handle it. He acted like he didnt care about me. Then, he wanted to take a girl on a date... and that just really bothered me... then he chewed me out cause I talked to an old guy friend on the phone that I havent talked to in like five years! I was so mad... Finally I asked and said,
"I'm loosing you aren't I?" And he said,
"I don't know"... That broke my heart. I thought about it and decided I was breaking up with him. I would like to think that I belong with someone who at least tries for me you know? Not to mention that same day I tried to go running and my hip wouldnt let me... I broke down on a trail crying cause getting up hurt so bad. So, then I finally stopped crying to get into the house... then my aunt asked how my run went and I just started crying again! I bawled for forever! I lost two impoartant things to me and there was nothing I could do about either... IT was so hard

.....

Things sucked... for like three days... Then This boy started to talk to me... and I dont know if he just made me smile at the wrong time or what... but... hopefully someday he will like me too... since Randy doesn't seem to want to try anymore.

I HATE THIS!!!

Honestly why does the second I think things are going to get better for me they just get worse? I thought moving to Alaska things would get better. I thought school would be full of less drama, and that I would make friends easily. I thought being here I would be able to heal from loosing my dad cause I don't have so many reminders of him. I thought that the whole religion thing would just blow over. I thought long distant relationships wouldn't be so hard. BUT IT IS! IT ALL IS SO FREAKING HARD!
School here is so hard. Everyone stares at me... Friends here would be super easy to make but then again I'm trying so hard to get good grades that I don't have time to make friends! I've been doing homework til 11 o'clock every night since the first day of school. I can't understand what the teachers are asking of me. The schools down in Utah seem like preschool compared to here. My school is doing harder things then Ashley's is... SHE'S IN COLLEGE! So, I don't have time to hang out with friends ever...
I am reminded of my dad here more then ever! People here are always upset that there dad's might not come back... but my is already gone he never will! Then the winter is coming and he loved winter. And my uncles when they say "I love you" to me I just want to burst into tears... and I keep having dreams about my dad... It's so hard.
Religion here is so much better. I feel like I can believe my own things with out all the pressure... but then I saw the fourth kind and now that just freaked me out.
The worst part of all is the long distant relationship thing... Randy and I are falling apart! I don't know what to do! I want him to be mine forever. He is perfect. He is everything to me but all we do now is fight! And I know he wants to break up I can feel it. But he is too nice to say that he wants to. He likes someone else... at least it feels that way... I don't want to break up with him. There is no one on this planet that could compare to him. I would be miserable... I would compare every guy that talked to me to him and then I would be lonely for the rest of my life... I don't want us to fall apart. It's so hard to NOT be jealous of all the girls he hangs out with... He even wanted to take my friend to prom... on a date! I tried so hard to be cool about it but I just snapped. I don't know. It's not fair! I should be going to prom with MY boyfriend... It sucks... He takes pictures with other girls... that should be ME!!!! He hangs out with a bunch of girls and has the time of his life... that should be me... But the worst part is is even if I did live in Utah he probably still wouldn't be happy. I don't think he has ever been happy with me. Would if I am not good enough?
Honestly... I am hanging onto life with just a single thread... before I just snap and not care about anything.

Old memories die hard

Before you read this understand I love my family. I just need to complain sometimes.
Everyone knows about that crappy ordeal I had with Jared. How he cheated on me and flirted with a bunch of girls. That really did a lot of bad things to me you know? Although he apoligized I still had to break up with him because I was so hurt. What else was I supposed to do? Let it torture me? Turns out it does anyways. Anywho! One time I was hanging out with Jared after school and Katie was there. Jared was throwing a fit because I didnt want to have a piggy back ride on him or take pictures with him... I just didn't want to you know?
So, Instead he did with Katie. My sister and my boyfriend were actually flirting with each other. Then, they shoved the camera towards me and told me to take the pictures of them flirting and giving each other piggy back rides. What was I supposed to do be a controlling girlfriend and throw a fit? or what? I took the pictures... then I cried to Jared on the phone that night because it hurt so freaking bad. Then the next day Katie posted those pictures online for everyone to see. Why would she post pictures of herself flirting with my boyfriend online anyways? That just makes her look bad!
Then yesterday that picture was refreshed and I saw it. It was like my freaking heart was broken all over again. My sister and my ex boyfriend who for some odd reason I might still have feelings for even though I currently have the best boyfriend ever still have feelings for... So, our of stupidity I wrote,
"I remember that day... When my sister and boyfriend were flirting with each other and made me take pictures of it... lol."
Of course two minutes later I get a phone call from my mom freaking out saying Katie is crying. KATIE FLIRTED WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND I GET YELLED AT! What the heck! My mom went on about me having to be nice to Katie and all the crap. KATIE IS NEVER NICE TO ME! KATIE NEVER HAS ANYTHING TO SAY. THE SECOND I AM MEAN TO HER I GET YELLED AT WHEN SHE IS A SNOB TO ME ALL THE TIME! SHE NEVER LETS ME BORROW ANYTHING OF HERS BUT SHE USES ALL MY STUFF WITHOUT PERMISSION. SHE IS SO STUPID! SHE FLIRTS WITH EVERY GUY ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET THE LEAST SHE COULD HAVE DONE WAS STAY AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND! SHE SAYS THEY WERE FRIENDS BEFORE HIM AND I WENT OUT BUT NOT REALLY! PLUS SHE SAID SHE HATED HIM! BUT NO! KACEE CAN NEVER TO ANYTHING RIGHT. NEVER...
KATIE IS ALWAYS THE ANGEL... WHAT EVER... before I know it she'll probably start flirting with Randy and trying to steal him too.

Dreams of my dad.

One night I was on facebook, and I got an email from my sister Ashley saying she needed to tell me a dream she had about dad. Now, I would have called her, but it was too late to call her so I went straight to bed... That night I had this dream about my dad:
Katie and I were sitting on a bed. It was in our room. Well not really, but I got a feeling in my dream that was my room. We were sitting there talking when an angel with long brown slightly curly hair with wings in white clothes appeared behind us. She pushed us really hard from behind and that took us back in time kinda of.
We were sitting in a store and we got this feeling that our dad was there. Instantly I knew that this was were my dad died. In this store my dad was going to buy a pair of shoes and a sign with the number nine falls on him and kills him. Katie and I looked at the time and it was just before the sign falls on him. We split up and run around the store screaming for our dad. We looked every where. We ran up and down the aisles crying our eyes out and bawling histarically. The time passed and we went under sign number nine and it was still hung up... Our dad didn't get squished by it. He wasn't dead yet.
Then, Katie and I went outside and there our dad was standing outside the store with his new pairs of shoes. I said,
"Hey dad." Taking it all for granite. Did I not just go through the panick of him dying and instantly took it all for granite AGAIN? We started making short conversation with each other when all the sudden my dad was like,
"Kacee? Kacee? What Are you doing? Your mouth is moving, but no words are coming out." I said,
"Dad what are you talking about?! I am talking!" Then, I realized what was happening... My dad was going to dissapear. I said,
"I love you dad." One last time, and my dad dissapears... Forever.

NOW! If you think that dream was weird... The night before Ashley had a dream that our dad had really long hair, and in the dream our dad only pretended to be dead. He appeared to Ashley and told him that he wasn't dead just gone for a while that he never went away...
Is that weird or what?!

It's not fair.

I am fifteen years old and I'm fatherless. After my dad died I got nothing! His wife got it all. They were only married a couple months! I deserve more then just his old t-shirt and a tractor THAT WAS ALREADY MINE! Sure she lost her husband, but I lost my dad! Okay! He wont get to be there for me on my first date, or prom. He wont get to walk me down the aisle, or give me a daddy daughter dance. I wont get any of that! After all she did complain about him using drugs. They weren't THAT happy.
I emailed and emailed her and asked her and asked her, and she wont give me anything. I bit my tongue the day before his funeral when she said, "I need ALL of your dad here with me, but when you guys turn eighteen I'll send you a locket with his ashes in it." No. We needed him too. Ashley is eighteen. She needs to stop being selfish, and if private emails wont get her to budge then I'll post it on her wall every day until someone tells her to give them to me. Then if that doesn't work when I am of age she will find herself a big law suit.

Leaving you.

Why did I have to go,
and leave you behind?
I knew from the beginning,
you're one of a kind.
I thought leaving you would be easy
but I guess I was wrong.
I'm tired and I'm hurting,
and the distance is too long.
I know you're not gone forever
and I know you're still mine.
But what do I do when I'm lonely,
and hurting all the time?
I hope the time that I am gone,
I'll still be in your heart.
'Cause I don't know what I'd do
if our love fell apart.
Before I go to bed at night
I get on my knees and pray,
That another girl wont come
and take my love away.

Being sick.

Well I ended up going to school today. Katie watched Chase today and I went to school kinda. I got in third hour and was dying of heat but shivering really bad. So, I went and grabbed my jacket. The next class came and I found myself really sick. I was shaking so bad. Then, all the sudden I got hot and started gagging. I told the teacher I was going to throw up and went to the bathroom. I didn't want to go to class and be stared at for running ou of the room like a freak so I stayed there for a while. I took off my sweat shirt rolled it into a ball and took a nap. I woke up shaking worse and decided to just see if I can go home. I told my teacher and she had a girl escourt me to the nurses office. The whole way there I was shaking so bad. The nurse had me lay down and I fell asleep. I woke up to my name being called on the intercom. Ashley came and picked me up. I slept at her house then Aunt Hailey picked me up for the doctors. I have strep.
I will have to stay home tomorrow to watch Chase. So, I'll probably be doing homwork all day tomorrow. Hopefully, Randy will text me tomorrow. I'll be super bored. I hate being sick cause all I want to do is be up and doing things now laying down feeling sorry for myself. But, When I do get up and do things I make myself more sick.

I miss Randy. I want him around all the time. I miss having him in my last class everyday knowing I had something to look forward to. You know? I miss talking to him on the phone til three in the morning and texting all the time. I miss hanging out with him. I miss his hugs and when he held my hands. I miss when he'd get that glow to him... Like walking next to me is a pleasure. I miss the smile he smiles when he thinks I'm not looking. I miss him dancing goofy and being just the sweetest boyfriend ever.
I miss Randy. :'(

Missing Monday.

I was sitting on the couch this morning feeling good because I felt like I was finally getting caught up on all my school work. All the sudden my phone rings and it's my mom. She is in Utah right now and comes back on Wednesday... Me, and Katie have to miss a day of school to watch him til my mom gets back... I started crying. What the heck! I can't miss a freaking day of school. I can barley keep caught up as it is. I am so mad. What am I supposed to do? I already do homework til eleven at night.
Then my mom says, "Well we will call the councilers so you can stay after school to get caught up." I CANT'T STAY AFTER SCHOOL I HAVE FREAKING CROSS COUNTRY! UGh. I freaking hate Eilson it's the dumbest school ever.

New School....

Hey Everyone.
I started school on Monday and Ben eilson senior high school on the eilson airforce base. Different? Yeah... Alot different. It's such a hard school. I got more homework my first day of school then my entire freshman year in Utah ON THE FIRST DAY! Isn't that rediculous? Gah.
Then, the days switch. day one the period's go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 day two goes 2, 3, 1, 4, 5, 6... they change every day... I am always so lost! I went in and sat in my English class when I was supposed to be in biology... It's so confusing.
Then, I was at my sister Ashleys house doing my homework and she looked and my homework and said, "Wow. I just did this last semester..." (She is in college...) That just proves how hard this school is... I guess I'll never finish my goal of graduating with a 4.0 gpa.
On the first day of school everyone was SUPER nice to me. It was scary cause our school is known as the lesbian school... so when the girls talked to me I just wanted to run away... Then, day number two was even weirder... People just stare and stare AND STARE! Honestly what is there problems? What they've never seen a freakishly tall girl before? I purposly sit in the back of the classes because they stare so bad... But even then they literally turn around and just stare. Like in the hallway there was a group of guys and they all just stared... ??? Then, I was getting off cross country practice and I was walking into the school and a bunch of football players were walking ahead of me and they turned around and whispered to one guy who wasnt paying attention and then he turned around and stared... ??? WHAT DID I DO!? I have guys coming up to me saying "Hey Kacee" That I have never seen before. Maybe, I am just paranoid.
I don't feel like I can become friends with anyone at this school. They aren't like me. They're all just dark and different. You know how sometimes in a new place you can kinda tell who you would be friends with? Well... I don't feel any of that.
Living conditions for me? No bueno. I live between my aunt and my grandma and it's hard. I feel like I have to ask just to go to the bathroom. I dont know where I should put my back pack or my dirty clothes. It's just hard. Living in a two bedroom house with nine people. I don't know how people can do it.
Also, some very imporatant cousins of mine do drugs, and that bugs me. I wonder how I can help them out without having them hate me... GRRR...
I can't help but have a bad attitude about everything...

3 days...

3 days til I leave for Alaska. Then, I'm gone. For good. I've never felt so hated in my entire life...

Maybe, I'm just destined to not have a father.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. ~Lamartine

This entire time since I've been back in Utah I've wanted to go back to Alaska. Right? We've all seen it! You've all herd me complain. So, guess what! I'm going back... Finally!
I should be happy... right? RIGHT!?
I told Randy from the very beginning this was a bad idea. I TOLD HIM! I told him everything good for me eventually comes to an end. Something would come between us. Surprise... surprise.. I was right. I told him I couldn't like him. I told him I shouldn't go out with him especially since summer was coming. Why didn't I listen to myself? Probably because he's so darn cute... grr...
The 24th is a thing called Mona days... I guess there is a talent show, games, fireworks, and a dance. Randy is hopefully coming... That will probably be the last time I see him for a very VERY long time. :'( And this hurts! It's not the me going away that hurts...

• It's the times when I'm upset and he asks me what's wrong and actually listens. He doesn't tell me what to do to fix it. He just listens and says. "I'm sorry love."
• It's when at school when I had my last class with him I had something to look forward to everyday.
• It's the times when he hugs me and everything bad is forgotten for those couple seconds when he has his arms around me.
• It's when I look like crap and he tells me I look cute, beautiful, or gorgeous. Not sexy or hot.
• It's when he goes out of his way just to call me at night, or see me even for five minutes. Just him going out of his way means everything.
• It's when he knows just what to say.
• It's the good morning love texts I get in the morning that start my day off great.
• It's the anticipating the replies I get from his text messages.
• It's the way he opens doors for me, or during school when I went to take my jacket off and I threw my back pack on the floor he'd pick it up and carry it for me. He respects me.
• It's the way he shyly asks to hold my hand so it's a choice for me, and I'm not being forced.
• It's the sincere actions and things he says that I know ... I wont ever get again...

It's everything he's every done that makes me feel like someone cares about me... BUT that's not the only reasons why I don't want to go.

• It's the thought that he is a sweet guy, and he will be going to school with a bunch of girls that were all over him even when him and I were together, and them knowing I'm gone having it be worse.
• It's the thought of him hugging other girls... and I wont get that anymore.
• It's the thought that even if we do stay together... he could cheat on me... and I would never know... and I would waste my high school dating experience staying faithful to one guy who lives over 5,000 miles away who cheated on me.
• It's the thought that if we do break up... he will find someone better. And they will stay together forever... and he wont want anyone else... and I'll never get my Randy back.
• It's every time he hangs out with girls... I get jealous... and get a sick feeling to my stomach...
• It's the pictures I'm going to see of him and his new friends... and how gorgeous they all are.
• It's the worry that the best thing that has ever happened to me will be taken away by some stupid Utah girl in short shorts and a fake attitude.

Hello :]

I'm in a great mood today. :D I have a great boyfriend. Great friends. And great family. Just thought I would tell someone that.

I'm so pumped to move to Alaska it isn't even funny! I'm going to miss people down here, but there is texting, calling, emails, and plaine's, cars, and trains. It's not like this is goodbye forever! Just goodbye for now. :D

I'm getting a malamute dog instead of a husky cause there huge! I want one so bad! I'm going to force my cousin vince to teach me guitar, and I'm so ready to go running up there. Minus the bugs in my mouth and nose.

I'm so excited to start school too! Fun classes! New people! AND! During school I can get back on my diet thing my health streak of what ever... cause this summer I pretty much ruined it lol. And they have a cross country team up there too! and I will have a dog to run with! And my sister ash said she would work out with me. I'm so pumped!

LOVE YOU GUYS!

Time does NOT heal everything...

Ah! Everything that I thought was so stable is all starting to look like an earth quake has hit and now it's all a big mess! I don't know what to do anymore! UGH!
I guess you can say it all started with Randy visiting his dad. His dad seems a little like my dad... but a little worse. He hurt Randy and Randy is giving him another chance... after another.... after another... Kinda like what I did with my dad... but gave up... :[ Randy is going to Arizona with his dad in his dad's semi... in his dad's semi is a bed in the back... He's driving in the semi with his dad, talking, joking around, sleeping on the bed in the back... Just like what I used to do with my dad. He's sitting here saying how bad he missed hanging out with his dad (gah I'm crying!!!!!!!!!!!) How much he loves spending time with him. He's naming everything he misses... and I know exactly how he feels... but... I'm not sitting next to my dad while texting to my girlfriend how much I have missed him... Mine isn't coming back... ever... AND THAT HURTS SO BAD! I thought I was finally coming to terms with the fact that I wont ever see my dad ever again... but I'm not! It's so unfair! Everyone is a lyer! They all lie! Everything stinking one of them! THEY ALL SAY TIME HEALS EVERYTHING! BUT IT DOESN'T! EVERY TIME I SEE MY FRIENDS HUG THERE DAD IT HURTS! Time doesn't heal everything... because then you see something that reminds you that you wont ever get that back again... the pain starts all over again...
There isn't magic in the world. There IS NOT anything called love. IT'S FAKE! Dreams DON'T come true. There is NO SUCH THING as a happy ending. AND!!! There is NO such thing as miracles. We trick ourselves into thinking that there is but there isn't. We like to pretend there is a reason to live BUT THERE ISN'T! We all want to think the world is such a magical place... but IT ISN'T!!! It's all fake... No such thing as Santa, the Easter bunny, and I'm starting to think there is not a God either... what kinda of loving and caring God would want someone to hurt this bad?
My sister Ashley said that two days ago at eight thirty at night four girls lost their dad... that's four more girls that wont have a dad to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day... four less weddings... four more girls that wont have a dad to stand at the front door with a shot gun on their first date... four less believers in love... four more girls who wont ever get a daddy daughter dance... four more girls that wont like to dance...
poor Randy is probably sitting there wondering what the heck is going on with me... or what he is doing wrong. Poor guy. I'm so jealous of him though. Not only because he can be with his dad... but because I am selfish and want him around me too...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Sorry... that's not the only thing that is upsetting me...
Me moving is starting to sink in... I wouldn't think that it would hurt this bad... I'm already missing Randy. I though since he is just another stupid boy... and this is just "puppy love" that I wouldn't have a hard time leaving... I figure since I said that all my past boyfriends were just as amazing as Randy that it would eventually all come to an end... and I wouldn't hurt so much... Especially since I don't really believe in love... But it's hurting.. 44 days early... I'm going to miss him... a heck of a lot...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


There's more... but ugh... I just don't feel like talking about it... I got the big stuff out... the rest doesn't matter.

Eclipse.

Last night was a great night! I asked my mom if Randy could go to the movies with Katie, her, and I. Well my mom ended up not going because they went to los amigos. So, Katie invited another guy named Brady and I had Randy.
When I saw Randy in the lobby I was so excited! I missed him so much! He asked if he could have a hug and I told him,
"No." Lol but once we got into the hallway part of the theater I decided to hug him... because I am moving, and I wont get that again for a long time.
The movie started and I got to hold his hands, and lay my head on my shoulder. It was nice. :D I stared at him a lot though... and got caught staring at him a lot too. lol. oh well.
When the movie ended Katie told me to go get in the truck so she could flirt with her date. lol. So Randy sat at talked to me til his sister got there. Then, he hugged me and left.
It was a great night. :D I Love that boy so much!

ALASKA!

Guess what guys! It's offical! We are moving to Alaska! I'm so excited! Like seriously my room is already ready to go. I just need to sell my bed, dresser, and tv and pack my clothes and I'm ready to go! Were leaving in the middle of August. I'm so excited! I get to be with my family again! I get to make new friends and go to a new school, AND I might get my puppy.
Which will be good because I need someone to run with that will run with me. Everyone else I've ran with is either too slow or too fast. I'm so excited!

MoViNg

Well... There's good news, and there is bad news. But... Its the same news...
I'm moving! The reason why that is good is because I seriously need a new start. I need to get away from here. Why? Well, because in this house in my very own kitchen I learned my dad died, and that's where this all started. I got depress and in my very own room I tempted to cut the pain away, I tried to starve myself cause I thought I was getting fat, but that ended up back firing and I stuffed my face and ended up doing the complete opposite... getting fat. Then, I just got angry and now I just need a new start. A home where all these things wont "haunt" me. In case you guys are wondering no I'm not depressed, no I'm not cutting, no I'm not trying to starve myself. I honestly think cross country cured that for me. Also, all that weight I gained and more I lost. :D Wooh!
The reason me moving is bad is because I have people I care about here. Randy, and Jordan mostly. Those two are awesome! I'm going to miss them so much! But, I'm going to see if I can come visit, or if they can come visit me.

And where will I be moving? It sounds like I'm going home to Alaska. :D You see, the bank took our house yesterday. The for sale sign is up, and we have this weird thing hanging on our door knob. Someone is coming to look at our house today at three. After someone decides to buy it we have thirty days to get out.
So far it sounds like the plan is that were going to sale our suburban (sad day I love my suburban its a beast!) and get a new one. We going to fill it up with all the crap were taking and pull a trailer along with. Katie and my mom will drive to Alaska. I will fly with chase up to Alaska, and Steve will stay here and finish out school in an apartment.
Also, my cousins, aunt, uncles, and grandparents will be up there. Also, my older sister will be too!

And I've already decided my cousin Vince is getting forced to teach me guitar. :D

=(

I'm a terrible girlfriend. I let some stuff that has been going on in my family get to me. Then I took it out on Randy. I know I shouldn't have and I feel dumb. It's also me worrying that the same things that will happen in past relationships will happen again.
I just... worry he'll leave me for someone better. I hate that feeling. I'm pretty sure I've jacked things up big time for myself. I don't really deserve him though. He's too good for me anyways. I should feel comfortable with him hanging out with some of his friends that are girls without him falling for them right? Right... Ugh. That just makes me worry more.
Also, my mom wants to go home to Alaska. So, does Katie. I really don't have a say, but my mom has been through so much and her dad is dying. What am I supposed to say? "Mom. Were not leaving. We staying here. I'm sorry, but you can't see your dad's final moments because I'm a stuck up brat of a daughter."
Ugh. Why can't something good come easy for me? I have the bad stuff coming in like a breeze.

I'm moving... For sure this time.

I know you guys have herd this before, but I have to move this time. The bank is taking our house, so now we have to move. I woke up this morning to my step dad packing...
Surprise...
I don't want to go this time. I want to stay. I'm going to miss Jordan, and Randy the most. They are my heroes.

GAH!

Agh! Stupid movie. I miss him. :(

Hemophilia 5K

Today, I got up at five in the morning and went and ran a 5K for my steps dads hemophilia foundation. Unfortunately, we got caught in traffic and we had one minute to get on out numbers, and strip into shorts and a tank top. Also, I had to pee, and there was no way I was going to run 3.1 miles having to pee! So while everyone else started the race I was in the bathroom. Ha ha. I caught up to Katie, my mom, and my mom's boss and stripped down, grabbed my ipod and ran.
I cheered people on and waved to a police officer. Ha ha. When I finished the finish line I had finished it in 25 minutes. Also, I was in 11th place out of 316. I was second place in my age group. (13-18)
Yeah I was pretty happy. I also walked another mile walking back to find where Katie and them were at in the race. Now, I'm freezing cold and starving.
Ha ha. I had fun though. :D

Learn.To.Fail by Kalli Dakos

I know you guys have seen this on my other blog, but I absolutely love this poem.

Learn to stumble, learn to fall, only then will you grow tall. Learn to try, learn to fail, only then will your life sail, Like a ship upon the sea that found the secret to be free. Don't dodge from waves or flee from storms, don't stay where it is safe and warm. But journey, like a bold, strong ship that goes through life well equipped, To ride the waves and seek new shores, to go where no one's gone before. And if your ship should hit a rock, and break apart and have to stop. Then take the time to make repairs, rest for a while, but don't stay there. And amid the shattered decks and sails don't worry that so far you've failed. Just fix and patch and build once more, continue to your distant shore. And if you lose your way this time, seek once more until you find Your dream come true at journey's end, then rest a while and dream again. The ship that makes it in the night is the ship that sees its own strong light. In spite of all the dangerous rocks and the chance of getting lost, The ship that's not afraid to fail is the only ship that's free to sail. By Kalli Dakos

Monday!

Hey guys! I'm so stoked for Monday! (Sorry Emily uses stoked. Thought I'd try it out.=] ) Katie and I go in for our job and get all the rules, and figure out what were going to be doing. That means I'm hopefully going to have money to do things! I'm so excited! Especially because I owe Jordan a meal from big burger and so much more for letting me chill with Randy!
Love you Jordan! You're an awesome friend!

Summer running.

Hey everyone. I figured out what I like running so much. I like it because I feel accomplished and I'm in a good mood when I'm done. Without exercise I get SOOO grumpy! Seriously this whole week I've been in the worst mood and I went running today and now I'm so content and happy. It's nice. :P

Yeah I went to cross country practice and Buddha and Jake showed up. Buddha was doing a Marathon so he needed to take it easy so he ran with me... lol shows how bad I suck. Any who, I made it my goal to keep up with him, and I did! When we got done my time was 25 minutes... My fastest cross country is 26 minutes... WOO! I am in even better shape now for cross country then when I ended cross country! That made me so happy, but I think it was because I had someone there pushing me. I wish someone would do that more for me.

Also, I'm on the phone with Randy. I have nothing to talk about. :( I'm such a lame-o.

death isn't the hard part... its saying goodbye every day that is-One Tree Hill

All right let's be realistic here... or not realistic at all...

What would happen if a super hero was alive? Like Batman, spiderman, and superman? Huh? Would if we really did depend on one man to save our lives. EVERYONE would depend on these guys. They're not sure who he is, but their lives rest in this super hero's hands. He proves to us over and over again how good his intentions are by saving lives, and still we want more. We write news paper articles about him, talk about him, and still not trust him. We wanted him to prove to us again his intentions. Even though with our own eyes we saw him save lives over and over again. Well, would if we woke up one day and our superhero was dead? His identity is revealed at his funeral and you find out he was a good guy, cause you knew him, he had a pure heart. Now what?

You took your super hero for granted, and now he is gone what do you do? Cry a little? Maybe do some bad things to yourself? Feel bad for yourself? Now, reality sets in. Because evil is here and there's nothing stopping it. It's coming like the joker in batman begins. Now what? No one is here to save you now. The towns all going to die, just like your super hero. The magic that used to live, the happiness... the hope is all gone. Now what?
Now let's go back to reality... There was a super hero alive. Not like spiderman, batman, or superman. He was even better. I did depend on him with my life. After all he made me. His blood runs through my veins. I didn't notice at the time that I did depend on him. He proved to me his intentions were good, and over and over again... and I rejected him. I wrote rude poems about him, talked bad about him to my friends... I wouldn't even let him in... I didn't trust him. I didn't want to because I was scared... Well one day I woke up and my super hero died. His identity was shown at his funeral and everyone was there. He was a good guy, and I took it all for granted.

So guess what I did?... I cried A LOT. Did some bad things to myself. I felt bad for myself. All those feelings never went away. GUESS WHAT! Reality did set in. Evil IS here. Whether my superhero was alive or not nothing stopped the evil from coming in. Just like the joker on batman begins. No one is here to save me. No one is here to protect me. No one can save me now. There's now no magic in the world, there is not any happiness... And hope died a long time again.

That super hero was my dad. This reality were talking about is a true story, and there is no; now what? Because I can't help how I feel. But, I can help you.... Find all those heroes in your life. Don't take that person for granted. Cherish what you have. Because one day they will be gone, and you don't want that blanket of guilty resting on your shoulders. Trust me.

P.s.

P.s. I gave up on the P90x diet cause the diet was making me sick. I will probably do the workout part still but that is depending on the energy I have left from cross country.

Burstons.

Yesterday Jordan invited me to go swimming at Burstons with Rachelle and her. Jordan, and I ended up going, and when we got there we decided we had to pee. We were so excited that there was Port-o-potty's there. So, we were in them and all the sudden Jordan goes,
"KACEE!!!" and I look to my side and scream,
"THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER!" So, we sat there complaining about how gross that was for like three minutes. Finally, we both got up and went out. There was no hand sanitizer in the port-o-potty's either. Yeah that's how we started out day off at Burstons.
So, we found where we were going to swim at and we laid out all our towels and I started blowing up by my mouth this huge floaty I brought. Then, this old guy walks by and says,
"Wow... You got a ways to go." Twenty minutes later I was still blowing it up, and the old guy kept walking by with a funny comment.
Then somehow we started talking about Randy, and Jordan decided to invite him. She called and invited him, and surprisingly he could come. So, we also called Rachelle and forced her to come. While we were waiting for everyone to show up Jordan got on the big tube I had blown up and floated out. I sure didn't want to get her, and she didn't want to paddle herself back and tip herself over and get wet. So, this little boy swims around and Jordan asks him to save her. Lol. and he does. I ask him how old he is and he says thirteen. LOL! So, Jordan now owes her life to a thirteen year old boy.
Randy shows up and gets right in the water... He got in there faster than Jordan and I and we were there like an hour before haha. Any who, then Rachelle calls and I had to walk up the road and find her. When we all there Jordan and Rachelle got on the tube and went out and fell in. LOL! That was extremely funny!
Poor Randy though. He was shivering the whole time! And he couldn't swim around and get warm because he didn't know how to swim. I tried to teach him how but he didn't want to learn. And I tried to get him to go on a tube but he was afraid to fall in and drown. So, he just sat there the whole time, and I didn't want to sit there and warm him up because I didn't want Rachelle and Jordan to be like, "Oh my gosh..." and think I just wanted to be there for him. Then, Jordan and Rachelle decided to move to the other side of Burstons where the sun was at. That was a little bit warmer.
I went to get on a tube from a rock and fell in and almost hit my head lol. Everyone was laughing, but I don't blame them. Cause I would have laughed too! Then, some how Jordan fell in and was like to heck with it! So, she decided to go swimming with me. :D I like swimming. YAY!
We then left and Rachelle and Jordan went to Jordan's house and made pizza while Randy and I chilled at the park.
It was a great day. Just being with my friends and Randy was nice. :D I missed him so much it wasn't even funny. I still miss him but no as bad cause I only saw him yesterday. I hugged him as much as I dared to. (I didn't want to get on his nerves.) He's really cute also. :D He has this crazy curly hair! It's so cute! He's perfect!
Of course the second I herd he was coming I had my mind set I wasn't going to strip down into my bikini. I kept my shorts and tank top on the entire time. Jordan and Rachelle are perfect! Super skinny! Super pretty! There perfect and then there was me. Yeah... Then when my hair got went it went curly and I looked like crap, and my not-so water proof mascara isn't water proof. So I had make up all over my face....
Needless to say I'm still waiting for him to text me saying, "We're over!" Just cause of the way I looked yesterday compared to my friends. Not cute. Grr...
:D It was a great day though. :D

P.S.! I got a Job and Lisa's country kitchen! YAY! I start on Monday at nine o' clock with Katie.

YUCK!

What I've eaten today:
-Salade with no dressing, so it was pretty much lettuce and tomatoes.
-cottage cheese
-egg whites with nothing on them
-oatmean with 1/2 a bannana in it
-protein shake.

I didn't think food could be so tasteless, and I'm hungry. Along with p90x I have to train for cross country. I don't think I'm getting enough food. I don't know. I'll talk to my mom and see what she thinks. I eat this healthy all the time I just usually eat more... You know?

Here goes nothing.

Hey! I got bored today so I started looking through our families P90X box. I decided I was going to go on the p90x diet and see if it really works. So, I read the guides to do it and I'm going to see how long I last. It's really strict so I'm really scared to see how this goes.

As you all know my step dad went in for surgery and got something in his stomach moved up. The doctor said the only reason why his surgery went so well was because the muscles inside his stomach were so intact, and my step dad has been doing the diet. So, that means it was working for him.

So, chances are I'll give in and get hungry and start eating. But we will see.

Randy...

I miss Randy so much it's not even funny! Summer is lame. I can't wait til I turn sixteen then my mom HAS to let me hang out with guys cause she let Ashley and Katie.
He's such a sweet heart too, and when he is being all cute over texting it makes me miss him more. Or when he sends pictures... yeah. I'm so stupid!

SuMmEr...

Don't get me wrong being out of school is great. The stressing out about grades, running, getting up early, and worrying about what I look like are gone!... but summer really hasn't started. At least not for me. My parents went to Tennessee for a whole week leaving Katie and I to watch chase, and hold down the fort. Of course Katie sat on the couch while I did everything! I clean the entire house and took care of chase while she just sat there. I was so irritated it was no even funny. Then when the whole house is completely spotless she decides to invites friends over... they made a mess of the front room and kitchen and then Katie left chase with me when it was her turn to watch him so she could go to her friends house and cook a cake...
So, finally my parents got home last night but now my step dad is in the hemophilia hospital cause he went into surgery and he will be in the hospital for five days... and my mom goes into surgery a couple days after his surgery... Katie and I... or should I say I will get stuck watching chase again...
... I didn't ask for this. I want a normal summer. Like what NORMAL teenagers do in the summer. Not babysit the entire time and NOT get paid. Because I've been so exhausted my summer goals went out the window.

1. Go to seven peaks at least four times. (I could still do it.)
2. Swim in Mona res. often. (It's not warm enough to do that yet.)
3. Wake up and have a healthy breakfast... that latest is 9:30. (9:30? psh... I've been sleeping til 12... and healthy breakfast? there isn't even anything in this house to eat!)
4. Do some P90X (I've done some P90X but not as much as I would like.)
5. Run. I need to keep in shape so cross country wont kick my butt like it did this year. (too late for that I'm probably already out of shape.)
6. Get a tan (Get a tan? Screw that. I don't have time.)
7. Read four books. :D Cause I don't get to do that during school. (Time to read? For those of you who have met chase you would understand when I say I don't have time to read a book when he is around.)
8. Get my permit. (This one I have worked on. I read the Drivers ed. book. Now I just need to study more and go take the test.)
9. Try to keep eating healthy foods. (No food in the house remember!)
10. Get mom on a bike. (How am I supposed to get her on a bike when she is getting surgery?
11. Hang out with friends! (Friends don't want to help you babysit your little brother...)
12. run to Mona res with Jordan and jump right in! (naw... too cold to jump in.)
13. Have a barbecue! (Yeah right... with what money?!)

This summer sucks. Hopefully I can get a job this summer. My mom said if I can get a job she will get me a credit card and I can manage my own money. YAY...

The worst part of this summer is a miss Randy like crazy. :( My parents don't let me hang out with guys. I don't understand why though... I'm not a skank like almost every girl in Nephi, Mona, and Levan. Texting him just isn't cutting it! I miss him so much! I'm going crazy... :(
Summer 2010... So far blows....

Last Day of School: Friday.

Technically today wasn't a school day. We were checked out and could do what ever we want. Randy showed up and I was with Loriann, and Lizzy already. We decided to walk to Rachelle's house and wake her up cause we were going to have games at the park. Lizzy ended up turning back with Tessa. We got to Rachelle's house and woke her up... She didn't like that very much ha ha. She got ready and we went back to the baseball fields. Eventually Rachelle ended up leaving so Randy and I were left to chill alone.
We wanted to lay on the grass but it was all wet. So, we decided to climb a tree by the track. I didn't realize how fun climbing tree's could be. Maybe it was just because I was with him, but either way it was fun. We sat up there for a little bit and then climbed down and laid in the grass. He's such a cutie. He got his jacket and made me a pillow. I got to French braid his hair, and we watched the clouds. It's crazy watching the clouds move. It makes you feel so ... small. It relaxes me. When I was little and I saw the clouds move it made feel better. After my parents would fight and I would watch the clouds or the stars it make me realize that the world wouldn't come to an end just because something bad happened. And I was right. Although I do miss my dad... More then anyone would ever know. I'm a way different person since he has been dead. I hate myself now.
After a while of just laying there relaxing the buses pulled up and it was time for me to go. Its only been like eight hours and I'm going crazy! There are over 100 days of summer and I wont get to see Randy for any of them. Time is just dragging on and this is only the first freaking day! He's going to get so annoyed by me. I miss him. I'm so stupid. I just want him around all that time. Oh well. Let's pray we last throughout the summer. :(

The Dance!

There was a dance last Wednesday after the senior graduation. I wanted Randy to go SO bad! I wont get to see him at all this summer. So, I was trying to cram as much time in with him as I could this week. Call me stupid but being around Randy I am just happy.
Any who, a while ago Jared, and Rachelle introduced me to "The secret" I tried it out... Call me loco en la cabeza BUT IT ACTUALLY WORKS! (For those of you who don't know what the secret is it is kind of like making a wish. But when you make the wish you don't have to blow out candles on a birthday cake, find a shooting star, or wait for your alarm clock to turn to 11:11. Instead you just make the wish into your head when ever you want and think about it, but instead of thinking about it you picture it happening, and think to yourself that no matter what happens you'll get what you want. Then, your magical brain kinda makes your wish come true.) Yeah, I know isn't it kind of crazy? Well, I decided to try it out. When Randy said he would try to make it to the dance, I pictured him there. And it worked! That or it was just Randy being able to make it either way it worked.
He sat through the long boring graduation my crazy friends wanted to go to. Lol everyone was all dressed up but Randy and I. -I hate dressing up. Then the graduation ended and Shane wanted to take a picture of Randy and I and Randy was like,
"That's a great idea!" and I was like,
"NO IT'S NOT!" Then, we went into the lunch room and hid by the lockers waiting for the dance to start because Randy didn't have money to pay for himself. Is it sad we can sit there and say nothing and I can be having fun? Cause, I think it's sad. The dance started and it was so much fun! Lol. Randy actually danced and it was so cute! Lol. We danced every slow dance and the song "I thought I loved you then" song came on and he said that song makes sense or something like that. That made me really happy!
I love it when were dancing and he just stares into my eyes. It's so cute. Any who the dance was fun and when it ended Katie saw Randy walking and asked if he needed a ride. He got in and we dropped him off at his sisters work.
It was a great night. :D

The Last Week Of School: Monday

Fridayish I found out that Randy was not going to go to school on Monday because he was going to the zoo. To be honest I was pretty upset about that. Lol. But, I woke up this morning and there was tons and tons of snow on the ground! Then, I got a text from Randy saying he was going to school! I was so excited! Of course, I went to text him back and my phone bill wasn't paid. I was so determined to have a good day though.
I go outside and start walking to my bus stop and it was like a freaking blizzard outside! One half of my body was completely covered in snow. I was drenched and freezing.
I got to school and went to my first hour class. In that class we had these brochures due and mine wasn't done cause my partener and I were both absent. So, we got another day to finish it so we all went into the library. I was fighting to get that computer to work. IT WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING I WANTED IT TO! Finally, I was just about done with my brochure when the schools power goes out... Yeah, that right there just sent my mood in the opposite direction.
So, that class was over and it was time for the awards assembly. I was so excited for that cause that means I would have gotten to see Randy. We get in there and get settled down and I told Randy I was cold. So guess what he does...
He takes off his jacket even though his first hour class that was before the assembly was outside in another building. He was probably colder then I was. But he takes off his jacket and puts it on me. It was warm and it smelled like him. It was yummy. Then, underneath the jacket he grabs my hand and there freezing! I felt so bad that I took his jacket when he needed it more then me. But then the principal comes up and wants us to move to the bleachers upstairs so we did. While we were up there Randy asked for some gum. I thought I had some in my backpack but it must have fallen out. Anywho, I bent down to grab some and when I came up he had moved his arm so it was behind me. That was so unexpected! I got crazy butterflies and forgot how to breathe. Finally, I was able to relax. We took turns laying out heads of each others shoulders and his hands were now warm from holding them. I was so relaxed. I was warm, he smelled good, and I almost fell asleep laying on his shoulders. Eventually we had to move to another room where all we could do was hold hands, and then it was time to go back to class.
Fourth hour was the class that we had to go to. Fourth hour is welding/metals. The class I walked in the first day of the semester and said,
"Mr. Baird if you don't think I can pass this class I want you to tell me, because if I can't I am switching out." And he assured me that I would. First quarter was easy all it is was testing. I passed them all. Second quarter was actual welding. The entire time I would stress and he kept telling me that I didn't have to worry about it that it always works out in the end. My mom even called and he told her that if I gave it 110% all the time he would give me an A. Which I did! So, today was just a cleaning day. I did my job and he showed me my grade and it was a B+. I asked him what I could do and he said I was three points away from an A-. He said I could come after school and make up those three points. Either way it wasn't the 4.0 gpa I worked my butt off all year to get. Luckily, Randy walked into the room or I would have started crying my eyes out right there. We walked up to the school and some how I managed not to burst into tears on the way up. I think it was because he had my hand, and it was warm. Something about that made me not want to cry. It was lunch time and I walked into the bathrooms to call my mom and tell her. When I got on the phone with her I just bursted out crying. My mom was so mad that he wouldn't give me my A because he even told her he would give it to me.
Once I finally got myself together I told myself I wouldn't look in the mirror because I knew that would just make my day worse. I went and got in the lunch line and ate lunch sitting next to Randy. Once we got done eating he asked me what was wrong and it took everything I had to not want to burst out crying. I told him I was just mad and that was it. We sat in the hall and held each others hand and I laid on his shoulder. Then, his friend wanted to take pictures of us. I hit my face. I bet I had mascara all over because I had been crying and there was no way I was going to take pictures looking like that.
The bell rang and I went to fifth hour. The entire time I had my head on my desk. I was so upset about my grades it wasn't even funny. (Still am.) I feel like such a failure. I gave it my all, all freaking year long. I had to get sleeping pills because I was worrying so much, and I was about to quit track for it too. And now this... Ugh.
Once that class was over Randy was standing in the hallway waiting for me. He looked so cute. He kept telling me to cheer up. He's such a cutie. We got to the stairs and he gave me a hug. I seriously about started crying then to. He's such a cute kid! I went to P.e. all we did was sign year books. Then, it was time for seventh. I'm not sure exactly what went on in the book I was supposed to finish because I was staring at him. One time he even looked up at me and smiled and that just made everything better. School got out for the day and we stood in between the two glass doors. He's so cute. He offered his jacket again also. It was time for him to go and before he did he gave me a nice big hug. I was finally starting to get happy again. He left and I walked down to the welding shop and Mr. Baird told me there was nothing left to do. That all the extra cleaning that needed done was done. That right there made me want to jump off a cliff and die...
Still do. So yeah... that was my day.

Summer 2010

Hey guys guess what!?! One week left of school and then its summer baby! Too bad the weather hasn't caught on. Lol. Now, it's time to write some summer goals to keep me busy because during the summer all I do is sleep, eat, get on the computer, eat when I'm bored. So, as we all know during the summer all I do is pretty much get fat. Well, this summer is going to be different.
GOALS:
1. Go to seven peaks at least four times.
2. Swim in Mona res. often.
3. Wake up and have a healthy breakfast... that latest is 9:30.
4. Do some P90X
5. Run. I need to keep in shape so cross country wont kick my butt like it did this year.
6. Get a tan
7. Read four books. :D Cause I don't get to do that during school.
8. Get my permit.
9. Try to keep eating healthy foods.
10. Get mom on a bike.
11. Hang out with friends!
12. run to Mona res with Jordan and jump right in!
13. Have a barbecue!

Movie Night.

Thursday night, I herd there was a movie night at our school. I really really really wanted to go because school is almost out and I'm going to wish it was back in. Call me lame but it's true I always do that.
So, I was asking a ton of people if they were going and no one even knew about it! So, I planned on going with Loriann and Lizzy. I told Randy about it, but I doubt he could have gone. So, Lizzy and Loriann had a concert thing so they couldn't have gone. Then, I was talking to Jordan about it on face book, and she was going to go also. So, we planned on bringing snacks, pillows, blankets, and pajamas. I went to her house early to bake cookies and we drove with her dad to Nephi to watch her little brother in his band concert thing.
Then, Randy texted me saying he could go. We walked over to the high school and Randy was there. We settled down to watch blind side, and I didn't really get to see the show. Lame enough as it sounds I was staring at him... the whole time. At first we were just holding hands, and then I decided to put his arm around me. I don't know really why I did it, but I did. And I don't regret it either. :D
I grabbed his knee so it would tickle him. Lol. That was fun cause he as a cute smile. I also got to stare at him and then he would catch me and say "what?" and I would look away. lol. :D Other times when he caught me he would just stare back. That was just a good night. I really like Randy he is so cute! Almost everyone I know approves of him too. :D Which is a major plus.
Thanks Jordan. :D I know you didn't have much fun. Sorry man. But you made it possible for me to have a good night. :D Thanks man.

Day One....

Day 1 of being Randy's girlfriend:

Well... He's so sweet! I'm glad me is mine. That's all I can say. He has crazy blue eyes. there so pretty! Next time you talk to him... look at his eyes. Especially if he has his light blue button up shirt on. (That's my favorite shirt on him.)... And he smells really good. Yeah. We were walking up from fourth hour from the vocational building and he took off his jacket and the wind was blowing and I could smell him... yum.

I was his partner in English... Lol He was having a hard time getting the work done cause he couldn't concentrate, and I was too busy staring at him... Yup... True story... Sad enough as it is... Eventually we got it done. Go us!

I'm still scared to grab his hand, or hug him... Hopefully that will go away. If not... that's really okay to... Which reminds me... Jessica says Kelly Clarkson's song "I do not hook up" reminds her of me. (If you haven't herd it, it is in my playlist... Scroll down.) I don't know if that's such a good thing. She says it is, because I set high standards for myself... That or I'm just a boring girlfriend... lol.

RandyRandyRandy

Hey guys. Guess what! Randy's all mine! Since today after school. :D I have a good feeling about Randy. He's such a cutie! I know... I'm such a lame-o. But, if you guys were me... You would understand. You know?

Randy just treats me right. You know? He opens doors for me. :D Then, he did something today that just made me smile. He had a penny and he put in on the ground heads up for someone else to grab. Then, at lunch his penny was still there and his friend gave him a nickel so he went and put that nickle heads up next to the penny. But... what was even more weird was in the book stargirl were reading in English ther girl in the book puts coins on the ground for people to pick up. Weird huh?

Randy's so cute. I love getting notes from him. They just make me smile. In English before class started Randy already had a book on his desk, but instead he gave it to me and got up and got himself one. I don't know why that made my day but it did. Do you have any idea how hard it was to NOT smile after that? It was dang hard.

Then, after school he walked me to my bus. I got on the bus today and smiled the whole way home. My sister was next to me singing "She's in love with the boy" over and over again. Little did she know that didn't embarrass me. Just make me more happy. :D All I know is that I sure hope this works out. Cause he is cute! Even some of my friends think so. :D (He's mine. I called first!)

I just hope I can be a good girlfriend to him. I hope I don't become to clingy, or change myself again like I did with the last one to impress him. I hope he doesn't change himself either. I hope everything just stays perfect like it is now. :D Also, I refuse to let him get in the way of my friends and grades like last time. But, It will be better then last time. I can feel it.