From good to bad.

Things did. They went from good to bad. Ashley isn't moving down... I'm so bumbed about that. I miss my older sister you know? Most people hate their older sisters and talk crap. It's all just tough love. Ashley has grown up. She understands things now to a cetain extent. When she does decide to finally talk to me she actually listens. Is it too much to ask to want your family together again? Is it too much to want to be able to not miss your dad all the time anymore? Is it too much to want to move on? I know everyone else has grown tired of my depression... So, have I... but I can't help it. It has gotten better but sometimes it just hits me like a bag of rocks.

I miss him. Before it was just the thought my dad was dead. Now its the realization. I see something and it reminds me of him. I hear something and again I am reminded on him.

You're the poem i cant write

Take me by the hand and look into my eyes.
Heal my pain, and see past my disguise.
Want what is best for me, what is true, and right.
Call me on the phone on your restless night.
Keep your distance but stay near.
Calm my each and every fear.
Listen to my wants, and heal my every pain
make me want you so bad that i start to go insane
Please still love me after this night...
BECAUSE I CANT WRITE POETRY TONIGHT!!!

Coming to terms

Isn't it funny how you can be in the worst mood and not even know why? You're upset and want to cry and you don't even know why... Then, when someone asks whats wrong while you're trying to explain it to them you find out the real reason why? That happened to me.

I was rewriting my metals notes they were such a mess and it was bothering me... (Yes, I know neat freak syndrome...) The teacher in that class talks so fast I don''t have enough time to write it all down. He covers the topics so fast that I can't keep up. I've been getting 15/20 on these stupid quizzes he makes us take every morning and that bothers me al ot... more then any of you will even understand.
Jared texted me asking whats up... On normal circumstances I would say nothing but Jared still likes me. He would be like what ever you have to be doing something! He has to know every detail of everything I am doing ever second of the day. So, I told him in detail.

"I'm rewriting my metals notes because they are messy and everywhere." Then, he said

"Fun!" I don't know what went over me... I said,

"NO! It's not fun! It's the most stupidest class on the face of the planet!" and he said,

":( be happy plz, Calm down. Its just a class." I said,

"To you yeah! Because you don't care! I care! This was my dad's job Jared! It was what he loved to do he died doing it! If I don't do good in this class I wont forgive myself."

...

That's when I realized something. My woods class was just as hard... I worried about that class but not nearly as much as this class... Failing wasn't something that was bothering me... It was that I can't let my dad down. I have to do a good job because my dad was a self taught welder and I am his daughter. It's hard...

You know since he has been dead I didn't really come to terms, but now that I am reminded of him its like an old scar re opened again...

Heart Strings

The way you acted, and the things you said
engraved your memory in my head.
I found charm in the eyes of a stranger
and put my heart in complete danger.


Things got worse as days went by,
the strings were sown by every "Hi".
A little pinch here, and a little pinch there
for you the pain I would bare.


Pain became pleasure by every thought
You don't even realize the tragedy you brought.
I would hold my breath as you walked by,
Hoping for a glace, a smile, a "Hi".


The strings were pulled tighter please understand,
and now they rest inside your hand.
Something invisible secret you see,
because we don't belong you and me...

I know you don't mean it you didn't know
the strings that appeared and started to grow.
The strings that pulled and tugged in me,
wanting the two of us to be.


They pulled even harder when I saw you with her,
Pretty soon we became a blur.
The strings attached from your hand to my heart,
started to rip and pull apart.


You didn't understand when you started to pull,
those little strings took their toll.
The strings attached inside my chest,
you didn't notice there was nothing left.