horrible girlfriend.

I am an abusive girlfriend. I straved Brian, Made him freeze, bored him to death, and drive him to exhaustion. Who sucks at being a girlfriend? ME! I invited him to ashleys wedding but my mom told him not to come until later because she didnt want to run out of food. So, I told him to just come to the reception at seven... well.. turns out he has never been to a wedding before and that he didnt know there would only be cake at it, and he hates cake. So he was hungry the entire time. Then, there was no where for him to park so he had to walk around the entire hotel at thirty below and was freezing by the time he came inside... By the time he got there everyone was just sitting there and not dancing cause they were tired so he was probably extremely bored, and he was tired because he stayed up late playing video games and I kept him out til midnight.
I suck...
I'll give you wedding details later....

November 26

Tomorrow is the dead day of my dad a couple years ago... It is also going to be Ashley's wedding day. I am going to try so hard to be on my best behavior.
On the bright side Ashley invited Brian, and when I am around him it is like impossible to be sad.

I don't know how hard tomorrow is going to be. This is like the worst nightmare of my sisters and I, to get married and not have a dad walk you down the isle. I always imagined that if I get married I would have my only grandpa that I have ever known walk me down the isle, but he is no longer alive either.
Just my luck right.
Can I be honest about something? (Assuming that you said yes...) Since my grandpa died my entire family is making a huge deal about it. Our whole thanksgiving was dedicated to him. My grandma wants everyone at the funeral to say a memory about grandpa, and she is asking everyone to think of a song that reminds us of it. Everyone is making a big deal about it but don't get me wrong I loved my grandpa, but I guess you can say that i am extremely jealous. No one made a big deal about my dad dying. My sisters and I had to go through it alone. My mom freaking took a loan out on our car to fly down to Utah for his funeral. I mean what the heck... my dad was important too!
It just pisses me off.

There is no such thing as a best friend.

If you took a step back and looked at your life would the people you think were your friends still be your friends? Maybe that's why I like moving so much cause I makes life less disappointing. I can't imagine spending my whole life with a no sobest friend come to find out they really weren't after years of "friendship". I don't want to go back to Utah, yet I do. I know that everyone is going to be so different, but I still want to see them.
Maybe Brian was right, people are disposable.

continuing...

My mom, step dad, sisters and I walked into the room where my grandpa laid and everyone began to cry. Except for me. I watched as my mom held my grandpas hand and told him that grandma was going to kill him because he died before she got back. All I could do was stare at him. That wasn't MY grandpa. MY grandpa was not orange, and his teeth did not look like that either. We went back to the room and waited for my cousins aunt and uncle to get there. When they got there I walked them to the room where he was. On the way I explained to my cousin Mckade that grandpa is going to look a little yellow.
My Aunt Haley walked in first. She started sobbing so loud that the nurse's at the desk even looked up. She was crying so loud that my cousin Mckade just turned around and went back. He didn't want to see grandpa. My aunt began yelling for her husband to be in there with her. He went in and then my cousin Payton and Jen went in and I followed. Payton started crying so hard. I grabbed for her and she practically collapsed in my arms when she was crying. Her dad hugged her and she ran out of the room. All I did was stare at grandpa again and listened to my aunt cry. I kept wanting to tell grandpa so many things but I couldn't bring myself around to saying any of it. All I could do was stare. I covered his hand up with the sheet so that he wouldn't be cold... Like that mattered anymore. Finally I said,
"I love you grandpa, tell my dad I said hi." As I walked back to the other room I just felt tears fall from my eyes. By the time I walked back in the room my whole face was just wet with tears. We all sat there and my Uncle Daren said,
"I got to get home and clean up all the blood before grandma gets home." I sat there wondering blood? What blood? I thought he died peacefully with no pain!
...
We get back to Uncle Daren's house and he was sitting on grandpas bed with Aunt Haley. Uncle Daren had the Copenhagen he got for grandpa in his hand and said,
"I tried to do CPR but the blood just kept coming out! I couldn't get it to stop long enough for him to get a breath!" He began crying, and all I could do was stand there in horror wondering what the heck my grandpa went through...
We got home and I couldn't sleep at all. I went into the front room and there my mom laid wide awake her face red from crying. I sat next to her and she said,
"I don't know how you guys did this. I never knew losing your dad could give you such a horrible feeling inside! You guys got the raw end of the deal. I had my dad growing up, you guys didn't."
I just sat there hugging her. That's all I could do. I didn't know what to say.
...
Grandma flew home and went to see grandpa. Grandma is really sad. She said she doesn't know what to do anymore. She said she waited on him her entire life and now she has nothing to do with her time. She says she doesn't have to worry about cooking him dinner or calling him to tell her where she was at.
...

How he went...

"God saw you getting tired. When a cure was not to be,

He closed his arms around you and whispered, "Come to Me".

In tears we saw you sinking. We watched you fade away.

Our hearts were almost broken, you fought so hard to stay.

But when we saw you sleeping so peacefully free from pain,

We could not wish you back to suffer so again.

So keep your arms around him Lord, and give him special care.

Make up for all he suffered and all that seemed unfair."

-Memorial poems (Letting Go)

I was talking to my mom in the Kitchen when she got a phone call from my Aunt. She answered the phone listened and then scream "WHAT!" At first I thought someone had won a prize, then I saw her start to hyperventilate. Immediately I knew that grandpa was dead. He's been sick for a while. He was at the hospital the week before. Grandma was in Utah at the time because she was trying to fight the courts to pay for his medical bills. I watched my mom pace around the house, I watched her sob, and there was nothing I could do. Nothing I could say would stop her from crying. I know this from experience. All I knew to do was to let her cry it all out. I went and got my step dad and he came in and hugged her. She looked at him and said,

"Will you drive me to the hospital?" He nodded and I asked,

"Can I go mom?" and she said,

"We can all go."

We walked into the hospital and asked the lady at the front desk if the ambulance had arrived and she said that it hadn't yet. So we waited and watched as my sister and her fiancee and his daughter came. We waited while uncle Daren and christian arrived. Then finally they said that the ambulance arrived. They took us in the back room and asked his name and birthday. Then the nurse and the doctor walked in and said,

"I hate to be the barer of bad news, but Theron Whiting has passed." The whole started sobbing. Except for me. I hadn't really cried yet. I was more in shock. The doctor explained he had to get back to his rounds, but if we had any questions to let him know, and then he told us that the nurse would be helping us out. She asked,

"Was anyone with him when he passed?" Uncle Daren who seemed like he was just breaking inside said,

"I was." She asked him what happened... He said,

"Well he was doing fine. He was a little weak so I helped him to his bed, and then I made him some soup. After I made him some soup he asked me to go to the store to get some Copenhagen. I wasn't even gone five minutes and I left my boy with him. (He was crying now.) I got home and said dad I go your Copenhagen and then I herd a gurgling noise. I ran in there and he was unresponsive. I ripped him off the bed and onto the floor and tried to start CPR and then I yelled for my boy to call 911." She asked us where his wife was and Uncle Daren said,

"She is in Utah." Then my mom said,

"He was just in here the other day! The doctor told me that he would be fine and that I didn't need to have his wife come home. So, I told her to stay!"

She then explained to him that he did everything right. She assured that grandpa died a quick painless death. (I sat there wondering if they say that to everyone because they told me that when my dad died too. I worked though. I was happy to know dad didn't suffer.) The nurse walked out and Uncle Daren started sobbing and said,

"I promise you guys I did everything I could." We all told him we knew that and that he was so good to grandpa these last few weeks while grandma was gone... Then he said,

"Oh mom!" and everyone in the room started sobbing, but me. It still had not hit me yet. Then the nurse walked in and said that if we wanted to we could go see grandpa and say our good bye's.

... um... I continue later.

Why would he do this to me?

"I cried when you passed away, I still cry today.

Although I loved you dearly, I couldn't make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest.

God broke my heart to prove to me he only takes the best."

-My sisters post on facebook.

My grandpa died yesterday. Now I have to watch my aunts uncles and my mom go through what I went through. I wish I could give everyone mroe details but right now it hurts too bad.

PiCtUrEs

In all my complaining lately I have forgot to post pictures. I realize that all I am posting is a bunch of words, now don't get me wrong words can be very empowering, but sometimes it's nice to see some pictures every once in a while.

So, here is my cousin Payton and I. She became my girlfriend when Chris and I broke up. (No we are not lesbians haha. We just both decided that boys suck.) Turns our she was cheating on me the whole time. Which is completely fine considering it was all just a big joke to get my mind of Chris for a while. ANYWAYS! In this picture Payton and I got together and decided to take a bunch of pictures at the park. Also, that was when I had my hair cut in the summer. It was so short!

This is one of the most recent picture of me that I dare share. I got a different hair cut after these two pictures and I hate it extremely bad. Everyone says that they like it, but I hate it. I guess you can say that the haircut I got isnt me. I feel like I'm someone I'm not with it, and that is a extremely bad feeling... If you can't be true to everyone else, then you should at least be true to yourself right? Well needless to say I am taking vitamins to grow my hair out faster so I can get back to being me...

<= This is a picture of Brian and I at homecoming. In case you were wondering about my outfit, I hate dresses so I went as my cousin Payton's date as a boy because she is too young to date. That night was one of the best nights of my life. I love dancing like an idiot and wearing clothes that I am compfortable in. This was before Brian and I were together. Which makes me wonder why the heck is still wanted to date me after that night haha.

Tomboy...

I remember in middle school I was in my room crying because the guy I liked didn't like me because I liked to play football, and wore clothes that I was comfortable in. I was in my room for like two hours crying about it when my sister Ashley who didn't live with us called me on my cell phone. She could tell I had been crying and asked me what was wrong, so I told her about the boy I liked and how he didn't like me because I was too big of a tom boy. I also told her that he likes a girl with pretty hair, and super expensive clothes.
I remember how upset I was, and how she told me, "Kacee, yeah it seems like that right now, but once you get in high school guys will realize what they really are. Sure it sucks now, but then guys find out that they want to be with the girl who plays football and isn't afraid to get dirty. Guys like to be with the fun girls." I felt SO much better after she said that. So, I waited til I got in high school and I expected it all to change just like Ashley said...
Yeah that never happened. They still like the slutty girls that will give them what they want. I remember guys would always say that modest was hottest... well if that is true why the heck you do all still go after easy girls? I miss elementary school when I had holes in my jeans and beat all the boys at basketball. It was a lot more fun then trying to explain to all these ass holes why I don't want to wear a dress, and high heels to prom, homecoming, and this wedding.

Hanging out with Brian

I woke up to waffles with strawberries and whip cream. Then I went to the bank to cash my check and after I went to my cousins soocer game. Then, I went to the mall with Brian... I was hoping he would pick out something for me to get him for christmas and his birthday... Let's just say that didnt go as planned. Then we went to the movies and I got to spend an hour and fifty five minutes cuddling with him. Afterwards we went to wal mart because he wanted some chicken. Haha. Althought I was super tired and extremely sour I had a great night. There was no pressure, and no plan.
a.k.a. best day ever.

Issues with society #1,385

How many times have people assumed that because I am a girl I like kids... Alot... How many times do I go to work and the guys assume that because I am a freaking girl I do not have the ability to take the garbage out... Every time... how many times when I have said that I am NEVER having kids people tell me that I will change my mind... yeah fuck you guys... How many of my stupid boyfriends, boyfriends parents, friends, family, and complete freaking strangers assume that just because I am a girl I like to dress up and wear high heels?... lets just say there hasnt been a time at a school dance when everyone asks where my dress is... How many times have people assume that because I am a highschool girl I like to get drunk, party, sneak out, get high, and have sex? ... ALOT OF PEOPLE!... How many guys assume that everytime I am pissed off I am on my period... Just about every guy... if thats the case then I'm always on mine!
People make generalizations about me all the time. I think thats what pisses me off the most. If they can go make these stupid assumptions about me why can't I do the same? Of course when I make the generalizations people call me out on it! Way to go make me look like the horrible person. People wonder why I'm so mad all the time. I hate being expected to be a certain way. I JUST got back from the gym and now I am already mad. Normally working out makes me happy... Way to go guys

All this because I refuse to wear a thong at my sisters wedding... If one more person tells me I have to I'm going to freak out... I underwear are there for supposed to hide things that I dont want seen by well... ANYONE! Whats the point in wearing them if they don't do their job?
AND WHO WOULD WILLINGLY WANT A WEDGIE!?
My generalization I got yelled at for: Girls who wear thongs are skanky...

Turn of the tides

Here in a little while my sister is going to come pick me up to go to the gym with her. I'm super excited to go. I LOVE working out. Even if you havent lost anything, or if you are not toned at all you still look at yourself differently in the mirror... and im pretty sure im addicted to it... just saying.
ANYWAYS! This persuaded me to go look up some quotes, and I found some super funny ones that made me smile pretty big. So, I though I would share the love.

The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions, running down their friends, side-stepping responsibility, and pushing their luck!
Author Unknown

The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down.
Rita Rudner

I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Buzz Aldrin

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Robert M. Hutchins

I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.
-Ellen DeGeneres

Aerobics: a series of strenuous exercises which help convert fats, sugars, and starches into aches, pains, and cramps.
-Unknown

Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
-Unknown

I consider exercise vulgar. It makes people smell.
-Alec Yuill Thornton

If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise.
-Unknown

HOLLYWOOD'S FAVORITE DIET: STARVATION.
-Unknown

Diet slogan: TAKE CHARGE, DON'T BE LARGE.
-Daniel Worona

BY THE TIME I'M THIN, FAT WILL BE IN.-Unknown

SKINNY PEOPLE TICK ME OFF!!! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my car keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
-Unknown

I'm bringing sexy back (in a couple of months)
-Unknown

I'm in no shape to exercise
-Unknown

God must love calories, because he made so many
-Unknown

Of course I'm in shape . Isn't Round a Shape?
-Unknown

I'd hit the gym more if it had a smoking section
-Unknown


Haha. All these quotes are like against what I think of getting physical activity but they still made me smile lol.

Good to bad in a blink of an eye...

I had a great a great day. School was fun, I finally got caught up with school work, and I felt like trying again... something that I thought would never happen ever. I have amazing new friends and a super cute new boyfriend.
Then I get home and read what my aunt posts on stupid face book about how the month of November is a bad month for her because her brother in law passed away and that his daughter was getting married on the 26th which was also his death day...
Yeah... boom... good day turned bad. I can't take this! I'm going to get brutally honest here. I hope no one in my family reads this cause I will probably get grounded for life, and hated by my family for life as well, but I don't care...
My sister is just putting her wedding on my dads death day because she wants the attention. She is turning a day that is meant to miss and remember my dad into a day all about her. A day people will feel bad for her, and give her the attention.
Of course I can't say anything because if I do every one is going to call me selfish and tell me that I am going to have problems accepting life when I get older and crap. There going to tell me that I need counseling and crap. WHAT EVER PUT ME IN IT! There is nothing better then having someone sit and listen to you complain instead of telling you what you are doing wrong with your life, and how you should change. IN FACT! They are paid to listen to me complain, even better!
Hey while I'm at it! I don't want to wear a stupid dress or high heels. I never asked to be a brides maid, and I sure as crap don't want to listen about weddings! That is so... AVERAGE! If you truly loved someone you wont need a paper to tell the government you love them. You wont need a freaking ring to prove to everyone they you are together! You will be happy just standing next to them and holding their freaking hand!
No one asked me if I was okay with her putting her wedding on my dad's death day. SHE ASKED MY OTHER SISTER BUT NOT ME! There is 364 other days in the freaking year go pick another one. Everyone tells me that its a symbolic thing that she wants her dad there on her wedding day... I WANT A DAD THERE TO TEACH ME TO DRIVE A CAR, YELL AT ME FOR GRADES, THREATEN MY DATES AT THE DOOR WITH A GUN, TEACH ME TO CHANGE A TIRE, TAKE ME HUNTING, TAKE ME FISHING, AND ALL THAT! SHE GOT THAT! I DID NT! YOU DON'T SEE ME GOING FISHING EVER NOVEMBER 26!
but no... I have to sit back and let them do what ever the hell they want with my dad's memory ... oh yeah... AND ME! CAUSE I'M SELFISH IF I DON'T WEAR A SLUTTY DRESS AND HIGH HEELS FOR ONE NIGHT!
"Kacee it's just one night." WELL IF ITS ONE FUCKING NIGHT WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT!

sincerely,

the unhappy camper...