well then...

It's really hard not knowing what I want all the time. Now that all my goals in life are down the toilet its like I have nothing to look forward to. You know? I also really like this kid but I find myself pulling away. He will come up to my locker and talk to me and I'll say,
"That's cool... well see you later!" I like him, yet I always pull away. I don't now don't really care if people talk to me or not. The high light of my day is bed time. lol. It's super sad. I'm trying to keep happy and trying to be thankful... after all this is what I wanted. I just don't know. It's like when ever I get upset about one thing... Everything that has ever gone wrong in my life just hits me like a water fall and the tears just keep coming! I just gah.
Apparently I suck at flirting.

Things are getting better.

Hola mis amigos. Como esta? Yo soy timido.
Things are getting better I guess. I mean there not getting better I'm just getting used to the fact that I can't go do fun stuff on week days due to lots of homework. I've been getting less homework, but when I don't have homework then that means I'm working on huge quarterly projects. I'm getting used to the thought that homework takes up all my time. Also, I'm now used to sleeping the entire weekend away because of lack of sleep. I don't get much sleep on week nights cause I have so much homework then I lay in my bed and worry about things. I'm finally just getting used to it.
Except this week end I haven't gotten a lot of sleep which means I'm going to be screwed this upcoming week. Yesterday... Saturday... I forced my cousin Mckensie to go with me to the cross country meet with me. We had to get up at 6:45. Then, I spent the entire freezing on the sidelines cheering for my team. I was stupid and only brought two sweat shirts. Luckily, Mickey gave me her gloves, and Chris gave me his gloves and his jacket. Even though it was freezing and Kensie didn't seem like she was having fun I had fun. I got to talk to the kid I liked... like a real conversation in person for a couple of minutes. Wooh. The boys ended up winning region, and the girls would of if they had another runner... It's not my fault! Which reminds me I haven't told you guys. I hurt my hip, and went up going to a sports medican doctor. I hurt my hip last year at state cross country and this whole season it has been hurting so bad! The doctor said the muscles that are attached to my hip are inflamed. Also the tissue in my hip that keeps my muscle from rubbing up against my hip is wearing away. My entire hip is inflamed. So, now I have to take 12 pills a day for a week, then after that week I have to take one pill a day for five weeks. On top of that I have to ice my entire hip for 30 minutes three times a night everyday for a month, go to physical therapy to get electricity in it, and something else I don't know what.Also, I have to put patched on it to help with the pain. If ALL that doesn't work I have to get injections put in it.Then, once the inflammation is out I have to go to physical therapy to strengthen my hips because they are so weak. The doctor says that the rest of the muscles on my legs are more muscular then a high school athlete and that's very rare, but my hip muscles which are supposed to be the strongest muscles in my body are extremely weaker then a regular person which is also weird. I guess the rest of my muscles were growing bigger to make up for the muscle loss in my hips. So, they are going to strengthen my hip... once that is done I'll be a freaking power house. Anyways, I felt bad the girls didn't make it to state because of me.
Then, this morning I was woken up at 7:00 to go work on the haunted house. I also froze my butt off after a while. Once I got home I fell asleep. Now, I'm trying to get up the energy to go do my homework.
Things are getting better now that I like a guy, but I refuse to talk to him. Cause I know he is too good for me and would never like me. So, I'll just secretly like him. What ever. I still miss Randy though. I told him to stop talking to me because not having him hurts so freaking bad. The worst part is I think he is fine without me. But it's okay. As long as I avoid face book, and texting people from Utah so I don't hear him talk to other girls, hang out with them, and read how awesome it is being single.... WHAT A JERK! :(

UNGREATFUL!

Hey,
I'm sitting at my Aunt Hailey's house right now. Sometimes I loose track of the things I have, and I get complaining and because I'm so caught up in the moment I don't acknowledge what I have. My aunt and uncles have bought me and Chase tickets to get up here. They given me not one but two homes! wooh. They let me use their things like they are my own, and not only that but listen to me complain knowing everything they have given me. It's not really fair to them. I don't know how to let them know how great my entire family has been. cousins. aunt. uncles. grandma. grandpa. but most importantly my mom. I wish I could tell them without sounding like a nerd. ha ha. I feel bad for my mom though. She is so stressed. She moved up here for my sister and I and were having the hardest time adjusting. Not only that but she is having a hard time getting a job. But once we get a house, and she is on her own to feet again everything will be great... right?!

BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Things have been falling into, and out of place. I feel like I am running in circles. The problem with running in circles is you never get anywhere!
I went to the movies on Saturday night with an old friend named Josh. I missed him alot! He's a great friend, and he was obviously super happy to see me. We started talking like we never stopped it was great. When the movie (Inception) started he moved around in his chair alot. I ignored it at first. Until he also put his arm on the same arm thing my arm was on. I mean I was fine with staring but he purposly was rubbing his arm against mine and then draping his hand super close to mine. He wanted to hold hands! I thought about it and... It just didn't fit. Me holding hands with one of my best guy friends. It just doesn't work. Not only that but I thought of Randy and how I would feel if he held Brook's hand and I just got sick in my stomache. Not that were together anymore. It shouldn't matter. I guess it didn't help that I was sitting in the movies while Randy was dancing the night away with one of my old friends having the time of his life. I mean I had fun to, but I wished it was with him. Then, I thought of the new guy I like and how unfair it would be that if that guy started to talking to me then that pretty much meant I would have been leading Josh on, and it just doesn't work. I can't treat people like that. It's not who I am.
I got home and I was so upset! I don't know I was fine with hearing how Randy had a great time, and hugged her. Heck! I would have been fine if they kissed I was that confortable with it... until I logged into facebook. I saw what Randy wrote. It said how he loves being single because now he can do what ever he wants, and went on about how great it was. It just... broke my heart all over again. I can't fight back the fact that I still love him! I just can't. But I can't hold onto somehting that isn't there anymore. If he doesn't love me then he doesn't love me. I thought long and hard about it and decided it would be best if he just didn't talk to me at all. I told myself that I can't look around on facebook and read other poeple's posts because I would get jealous of him. I need to check comments and get off. That's it. I can't keep torturing myself... or I'll be doing bad things to myself. So, Randy is gone. That's that.
Other stuff: Things at school are getting a little strange haha. Here people notice everything I swear! Do you have any idea how many times a day people come up to me and ask if I am crying? I'm not! Today I was told three things. 1) that I have beautiful eyes. 2) That I look like I am crying. 3) That I am fierce! ... Fierce really? Do I look like I am that mad!?!
Also, there is a boy at my school. Haha. Bless his heart! He came running to tell me that he got a scholarship for running., but I was on the phone with my mom. So, he settled for telling Katie. Then, yesterday at home my mom was like, "Who is that kid who got the scholarship?" I had no idea what she was talking about lol. She said that Chris wanted to tell me, but I was on the phone. I felt so bad! Then today he said,
"Hey Kacee! What movie did you go see?!" I said,
"Inception. Where you at the movies that night?!"
"Yeah!"
"Hey, I herd you got a scholarship or something?!"
"Yeah! A scholarship for cross country."
"Hey that's awesome!"
*high five here!*
"What movie did you go see?!" He said some scary movie.
"Oh..."
"Don't like scary movies?!"
"No, I do.. just not devil ones."
I don't really know him, but he seemed to adopt me as his friend. lol. He's super cute I think. He just isn't the guy I like you know?!

.....

Also, there is this boy... not naming names cause that would be rude, but he is driving me crazy! He likes me I guess but he wont leave me alone! He sits right next to me in this one class where we dont have assigned seats. I purposly sit in a table that has no one in it so I dont have to talk to anyone and he just plops right down next to me! He also signs up for the same group as me and it's so annoying. UGH! Everyone says he always talks about me too...

Great.

Boy-o!

Hey Everyone.
So, You notice that in my last post I mention a boy. Yeah. I don't know. I honestly want to be alone. Like I don't want anymore boyfriends for the rest of my life. I'm sick of them all turning into jerks. It's not like I mean for them to turn into jerks. It's not my fault! I swear I didn't do anything to them, but love em. Maybe I just spoiled them. So yeah... I want to be alone until I see him. Goll... It's so annoying.
So... It started out and I joined the cross country team. Duh. We all knew I'd do that. Even though I was pretty sure everyone on the team thought I was weird I kept going. There is only like 4 girls on the team, and I refused to talk to the boys cause I had a boyfriend. The only time I would talk to them was if they made conversation with me... Which wasn't very often. One day during practice we had to do sprint work outs, and everything we do sprint work outs they all take off their shoes so I said,
"Do we have to take off our shoes?" And they all were like,
"No, you don't but you should try it, it feels really good!" I thought about my foot size and said,
"No thanks these are new socks." And then they were all like,
"Well then, take off your socks!" I finally just gave in and said,
"I have freaking huge feet!" and this girl on my team said,
"Oh don't worry I know how you feel I wear size 10." I just kinda looked at her and said,
"We'll.. I wear size 12." and They all kinda got quiet... Yeah... I was pretty embarrassed. Then this boy (the one I now like) had this really concentrated look on his face and then he said,
"What's the shoe size different between boys and girls?" and his friends said,
"1 1/2" and his face lit up and he said,
"DUDE! KACEE! WE COULD TOTALLY SHARE SHOES!" Then, his friend said,
"Well technically you'd be sharing shoes with me cause he stole all my shoes." I just was like allright, and started sprinting. I didn't think anything of it.

Then, I broke up with Randy, and didn't feel like I had to NOT talk to boys you know?

So, then everytime I would walk into the room we met for cross country I felt like they were always talking me and now that I was in the room they had to be quiet. I always felt like that!

Then, during cross country he asked me why I always looked mad. I told him that I wasn't always mad and that I didn't know what he was talking about! Then, the day later I was running and this boy was trying to splash another girl on my team and it hit me and I was drenched... later on in that practice my coach said that the he had to run with me so I wouldn't get lost. Then, he said,
"Great quality mad time with Kacee!" During that pratice he hit a tree and all the water on the branch from when it started raining fell on me and got me wet... Then I said,
"Wow... If I get wet one more time..." And he then got this look in his eye and hit every tree I ran under... getting me wet. I didn't think much of that either.

Then, in the hallways he would be talking to his friends and he would whisper and they would always look at me. What the heck...
Then, one day I got a friend request on facebook. It was him.

One time after lunch I was waiting by my biology teachers door for her to let us in and his locker was by the door. Then, all the sudden I hear,
"WHAT KACEE HAS PIERCING EYES?!" I turn around to see Him and his friend laughing. So, I just looked and them and said,
"What?" His friend walked away and he said,
"Your eyes pierce my soul."
"What do you mean?!"
"You always look mad, Like even in your facebook pictures. Especially when you had black hair. AH! Piercing eyes!"
"Oh it was you that added me to facebook?! I didn't know who you were!"
"You didn't look at my pictures?!"
"No! That's a little stalkerish don't you think?!"
"He just smiled and walked to his next class."

That's when it hit me... He is really... REALLY cute! So, I get home and look at his facebook pictures and I decided I liked him... Goll. Don't I ever learn!?

That day after school, I had to go to the 8th graders basketball game with my cousin and I DIDN'T want to go! I wanted to go do something else! Then, I got in there and saw him... I then started doing my homework and I pointed him out to paint and she was like,
"Oh he's cute, and he is staring at you too!"

The day after that I was walking in the hallway and as I pass hima nd some chick I hear the chick say,
"Oh is that her?! She's cute!" So... I don't know waht that means, and I didn't see who they were talking about...

I commented on his picture and it stared a huge conversation on facebook.
I hate it. I hate it. I HATE IT! Someone please come tell me what I am getting into! I just decided I am going to let him do everything. If he wants to talk to me... then he can. But I can not to any of it. Chances are he will move on and I can stick with homework, running, and food. I'm good with that.

It's gonna get bad,,, before it gets better.

Goll... Everything just sucked for the longest three weeks of my life. All Randy and I did was fight fight fight... he got to the point all he had to say was I don't care while I was trying to fix everything. He was getting so mean to me... and I couldn't handle it. He acted like he didnt care about me. Then, he wanted to take a girl on a date... and that just really bothered me... then he chewed me out cause I talked to an old guy friend on the phone that I havent talked to in like five years! I was so mad... Finally I asked and said,
"I'm loosing you aren't I?" And he said,
"I don't know"... That broke my heart. I thought about it and decided I was breaking up with him. I would like to think that I belong with someone who at least tries for me you know? Not to mention that same day I tried to go running and my hip wouldnt let me... I broke down on a trail crying cause getting up hurt so bad. So, then I finally stopped crying to get into the house... then my aunt asked how my run went and I just started crying again! I bawled for forever! I lost two impoartant things to me and there was nothing I could do about either... IT was so hard

.....

Things sucked... for like three days... Then This boy started to talk to me... and I dont know if he just made me smile at the wrong time or what... but... hopefully someday he will like me too... since Randy doesn't seem to want to try anymore.

I HATE THIS!!!

Honestly why does the second I think things are going to get better for me they just get worse? I thought moving to Alaska things would get better. I thought school would be full of less drama, and that I would make friends easily. I thought being here I would be able to heal from loosing my dad cause I don't have so many reminders of him. I thought that the whole religion thing would just blow over. I thought long distant relationships wouldn't be so hard. BUT IT IS! IT ALL IS SO FREAKING HARD!
School here is so hard. Everyone stares at me... Friends here would be super easy to make but then again I'm trying so hard to get good grades that I don't have time to make friends! I've been doing homework til 11 o'clock every night since the first day of school. I can't understand what the teachers are asking of me. The schools down in Utah seem like preschool compared to here. My school is doing harder things then Ashley's is... SHE'S IN COLLEGE! So, I don't have time to hang out with friends ever...
I am reminded of my dad here more then ever! People here are always upset that there dad's might not come back... but my is already gone he never will! Then the winter is coming and he loved winter. And my uncles when they say "I love you" to me I just want to burst into tears... and I keep having dreams about my dad... It's so hard.
Religion here is so much better. I feel like I can believe my own things with out all the pressure... but then I saw the fourth kind and now that just freaked me out.
The worst part of all is the long distant relationship thing... Randy and I are falling apart! I don't know what to do! I want him to be mine forever. He is perfect. He is everything to me but all we do now is fight! And I know he wants to break up I can feel it. But he is too nice to say that he wants to. He likes someone else... at least it feels that way... I don't want to break up with him. There is no one on this planet that could compare to him. I would be miserable... I would compare every guy that talked to me to him and then I would be lonely for the rest of my life... I don't want us to fall apart. It's so hard to NOT be jealous of all the girls he hangs out with... He even wanted to take my friend to prom... on a date! I tried so hard to be cool about it but I just snapped. I don't know. It's not fair! I should be going to prom with MY boyfriend... It sucks... He takes pictures with other girls... that should be ME!!!! He hangs out with a bunch of girls and has the time of his life... that should be me... But the worst part is is even if I did live in Utah he probably still wouldn't be happy. I don't think he has ever been happy with me. Would if I am not good enough?
Honestly... I am hanging onto life with just a single thread... before I just snap and not care about anything.

Old memories die hard

Before you read this understand I love my family. I just need to complain sometimes.
Everyone knows about that crappy ordeal I had with Jared. How he cheated on me and flirted with a bunch of girls. That really did a lot of bad things to me you know? Although he apoligized I still had to break up with him because I was so hurt. What else was I supposed to do? Let it torture me? Turns out it does anyways. Anywho! One time I was hanging out with Jared after school and Katie was there. Jared was throwing a fit because I didnt want to have a piggy back ride on him or take pictures with him... I just didn't want to you know?
So, Instead he did with Katie. My sister and my boyfriend were actually flirting with each other. Then, they shoved the camera towards me and told me to take the pictures of them flirting and giving each other piggy back rides. What was I supposed to do be a controlling girlfriend and throw a fit? or what? I took the pictures... then I cried to Jared on the phone that night because it hurt so freaking bad. Then the next day Katie posted those pictures online for everyone to see. Why would she post pictures of herself flirting with my boyfriend online anyways? That just makes her look bad!
Then yesterday that picture was refreshed and I saw it. It was like my freaking heart was broken all over again. My sister and my ex boyfriend who for some odd reason I might still have feelings for even though I currently have the best boyfriend ever still have feelings for... So, our of stupidity I wrote,
"I remember that day... When my sister and boyfriend were flirting with each other and made me take pictures of it... lol."
Of course two minutes later I get a phone call from my mom freaking out saying Katie is crying. KATIE FLIRTED WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND I GET YELLED AT! What the heck! My mom went on about me having to be nice to Katie and all the crap. KATIE IS NEVER NICE TO ME! KATIE NEVER HAS ANYTHING TO SAY. THE SECOND I AM MEAN TO HER I GET YELLED AT WHEN SHE IS A SNOB TO ME ALL THE TIME! SHE NEVER LETS ME BORROW ANYTHING OF HERS BUT SHE USES ALL MY STUFF WITHOUT PERMISSION. SHE IS SO STUPID! SHE FLIRTS WITH EVERY GUY ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET THE LEAST SHE COULD HAVE DONE WAS STAY AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND! SHE SAYS THEY WERE FRIENDS BEFORE HIM AND I WENT OUT BUT NOT REALLY! PLUS SHE SAID SHE HATED HIM! BUT NO! KACEE CAN NEVER TO ANYTHING RIGHT. NEVER...
KATIE IS ALWAYS THE ANGEL... WHAT EVER... before I know it she'll probably start flirting with Randy and trying to steal him too.

Dreams of my dad.

One night I was on facebook, and I got an email from my sister Ashley saying she needed to tell me a dream she had about dad. Now, I would have called her, but it was too late to call her so I went straight to bed... That night I had this dream about my dad:
Katie and I were sitting on a bed. It was in our room. Well not really, but I got a feeling in my dream that was my room. We were sitting there talking when an angel with long brown slightly curly hair with wings in white clothes appeared behind us. She pushed us really hard from behind and that took us back in time kinda of.
We were sitting in a store and we got this feeling that our dad was there. Instantly I knew that this was were my dad died. In this store my dad was going to buy a pair of shoes and a sign with the number nine falls on him and kills him. Katie and I looked at the time and it was just before the sign falls on him. We split up and run around the store screaming for our dad. We looked every where. We ran up and down the aisles crying our eyes out and bawling histarically. The time passed and we went under sign number nine and it was still hung up... Our dad didn't get squished by it. He wasn't dead yet.
Then, Katie and I went outside and there our dad was standing outside the store with his new pairs of shoes. I said,
"Hey dad." Taking it all for granite. Did I not just go through the panick of him dying and instantly took it all for granite AGAIN? We started making short conversation with each other when all the sudden my dad was like,
"Kacee? Kacee? What Are you doing? Your mouth is moving, but no words are coming out." I said,
"Dad what are you talking about?! I am talking!" Then, I realized what was happening... My dad was going to dissapear. I said,
"I love you dad." One last time, and my dad dissapears... Forever.

NOW! If you think that dream was weird... The night before Ashley had a dream that our dad had really long hair, and in the dream our dad only pretended to be dead. He appeared to Ashley and told him that he wasn't dead just gone for a while that he never went away...
Is that weird or what?!