Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. ~Lamartine

This entire time since I've been back in Utah I've wanted to go back to Alaska. Right? We've all seen it! You've all herd me complain. So, guess what! I'm going back... Finally!
I should be happy... right? RIGHT!?
I told Randy from the very beginning this was a bad idea. I TOLD HIM! I told him everything good for me eventually comes to an end. Something would come between us. Surprise... surprise.. I was right. I told him I couldn't like him. I told him I shouldn't go out with him especially since summer was coming. Why didn't I listen to myself? Probably because he's so darn cute... grr...
The 24th is a thing called Mona days... I guess there is a talent show, games, fireworks, and a dance. Randy is hopefully coming... That will probably be the last time I see him for a very VERY long time. :'( And this hurts! It's not the me going away that hurts...

• It's the times when I'm upset and he asks me what's wrong and actually listens. He doesn't tell me what to do to fix it. He just listens and says. "I'm sorry love."
• It's when at school when I had my last class with him I had something to look forward to everyday.
• It's the times when he hugs me and everything bad is forgotten for those couple seconds when he has his arms around me.
• It's when I look like crap and he tells me I look cute, beautiful, or gorgeous. Not sexy or hot.
• It's when he goes out of his way just to call me at night, or see me even for five minutes. Just him going out of his way means everything.
• It's when he knows just what to say.
• It's the good morning love texts I get in the morning that start my day off great.
• It's the anticipating the replies I get from his text messages.
• It's the way he opens doors for me, or during school when I went to take my jacket off and I threw my back pack on the floor he'd pick it up and carry it for me. He respects me.
• It's the way he shyly asks to hold my hand so it's a choice for me, and I'm not being forced.
• It's the sincere actions and things he says that I know ... I wont ever get again...

It's everything he's every done that makes me feel like someone cares about me... BUT that's not the only reasons why I don't want to go.

• It's the thought that he is a sweet guy, and he will be going to school with a bunch of girls that were all over him even when him and I were together, and them knowing I'm gone having it be worse.
• It's the thought of him hugging other girls... and I wont get that anymore.
• It's the thought that even if we do stay together... he could cheat on me... and I would never know... and I would waste my high school dating experience staying faithful to one guy who lives over 5,000 miles away who cheated on me.
• It's the thought that if we do break up... he will find someone better. And they will stay together forever... and he wont want anyone else... and I'll never get my Randy back.
• It's every time he hangs out with girls... I get jealous... and get a sick feeling to my stomach...
• It's the pictures I'm going to see of him and his new friends... and how gorgeous they all are.
• It's the worry that the best thing that has ever happened to me will be taken away by some stupid Utah girl in short shorts and a fake attitude.

Hello :]

I'm in a great mood today. :D I have a great boyfriend. Great friends. And great family. Just thought I would tell someone that.

I'm so pumped to move to Alaska it isn't even funny! I'm going to miss people down here, but there is texting, calling, emails, and plaine's, cars, and trains. It's not like this is goodbye forever! Just goodbye for now. :D

I'm getting a malamute dog instead of a husky cause there huge! I want one so bad! I'm going to force my cousin vince to teach me guitar, and I'm so ready to go running up there. Minus the bugs in my mouth and nose.

I'm so excited to start school too! Fun classes! New people! AND! During school I can get back on my diet thing my health streak of what ever... cause this summer I pretty much ruined it lol. And they have a cross country team up there too! and I will have a dog to run with! And my sister ash said she would work out with me. I'm so pumped!

LOVE YOU GUYS!

Time does NOT heal everything...

Ah! Everything that I thought was so stable is all starting to look like an earth quake has hit and now it's all a big mess! I don't know what to do anymore! UGH!
I guess you can say it all started with Randy visiting his dad. His dad seems a little like my dad... but a little worse. He hurt Randy and Randy is giving him another chance... after another.... after another... Kinda like what I did with my dad... but gave up... :[ Randy is going to Arizona with his dad in his dad's semi... in his dad's semi is a bed in the back... He's driving in the semi with his dad, talking, joking around, sleeping on the bed in the back... Just like what I used to do with my dad. He's sitting here saying how bad he missed hanging out with his dad (gah I'm crying!!!!!!!!!!!) How much he loves spending time with him. He's naming everything he misses... and I know exactly how he feels... but... I'm not sitting next to my dad while texting to my girlfriend how much I have missed him... Mine isn't coming back... ever... AND THAT HURTS SO BAD! I thought I was finally coming to terms with the fact that I wont ever see my dad ever again... but I'm not! It's so unfair! Everyone is a lyer! They all lie! Everything stinking one of them! THEY ALL SAY TIME HEALS EVERYTHING! BUT IT DOESN'T! EVERY TIME I SEE MY FRIENDS HUG THERE DAD IT HURTS! Time doesn't heal everything... because then you see something that reminds you that you wont ever get that back again... the pain starts all over again...
There isn't magic in the world. There IS NOT anything called love. IT'S FAKE! Dreams DON'T come true. There is NO SUCH THING as a happy ending. AND!!! There is NO such thing as miracles. We trick ourselves into thinking that there is but there isn't. We like to pretend there is a reason to live BUT THERE ISN'T! We all want to think the world is such a magical place... but IT ISN'T!!! It's all fake... No such thing as Santa, the Easter bunny, and I'm starting to think there is not a God either... what kinda of loving and caring God would want someone to hurt this bad?
My sister Ashley said that two days ago at eight thirty at night four girls lost their dad... that's four more girls that wont have a dad to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day... four less weddings... four more girls that wont have a dad to stand at the front door with a shot gun on their first date... four less believers in love... four more girls who wont ever get a daddy daughter dance... four more girls that wont like to dance...
poor Randy is probably sitting there wondering what the heck is going on with me... or what he is doing wrong. Poor guy. I'm so jealous of him though. Not only because he can be with his dad... but because I am selfish and want him around me too...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Sorry... that's not the only thing that is upsetting me...
Me moving is starting to sink in... I wouldn't think that it would hurt this bad... I'm already missing Randy. I though since he is just another stupid boy... and this is just "puppy love" that I wouldn't have a hard time leaving... I figure since I said that all my past boyfriends were just as amazing as Randy that it would eventually all come to an end... and I wouldn't hurt so much... Especially since I don't really believe in love... But it's hurting.. 44 days early... I'm going to miss him... a heck of a lot...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


There's more... but ugh... I just don't feel like talking about it... I got the big stuff out... the rest doesn't matter.

Eclipse.

Last night was a great night! I asked my mom if Randy could go to the movies with Katie, her, and I. Well my mom ended up not going because they went to los amigos. So, Katie invited another guy named Brady and I had Randy.
When I saw Randy in the lobby I was so excited! I missed him so much! He asked if he could have a hug and I told him,
"No." Lol but once we got into the hallway part of the theater I decided to hug him... because I am moving, and I wont get that again for a long time.
The movie started and I got to hold his hands, and lay my head on my shoulder. It was nice. :D I stared at him a lot though... and got caught staring at him a lot too. lol. oh well.
When the movie ended Katie told me to go get in the truck so she could flirt with her date. lol. So Randy sat at talked to me til his sister got there. Then, he hugged me and left.
It was a great night. :D I Love that boy so much!