Cool New Shirt, Christmas, and blocking my blog.

So pretty much i just wanted to show you all my cool new shirt. I look like crap today, so I over exposed the picture so make myself look better then I really do lol.

Hey at least I'm honest!

So being completely random, Christmas this year was a pretty good one. I was not sitting around missing my dad. Instead, I got to go over to Brian's house and meet his family. It was fun. I met the cat that he rescued that gives him allergies, and then we went over to my aunts house. My uncle was cooking up A TON of crab and ribs and I sat as Brian stuffed his face. Haha. It was so cute. It was like he couldn't say no to my uncle. (Which is pretty hard cause he was so proud of the food that he made.)
Then we played some games, and Brian showed my brother in law a magic trick that baffled all of our minds.

Just to warn you all, I'm probably going to block my blog soon so I can post things that are actually interesting to read. So let me know if you want an invite.

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. ~Oprah Winfrey

All over the world people are planning on going to the gym two times a day. They are planning on eating right, and they plan on no longer smoking. They want to save their money, and want to get out of debt. They plan on finding their true love, or simply finding someone to kiss on the New Year. Within three weeks all New Years Resolutions are most likely going to go down the drain. LIFE gets in the way. At the beginning of the year we like the idea of starting over. Even though its just a day, it's hope. It is the idea that things can be fixed that drives us to light fireworks and write lists.
So, although I am usually the Grinch of all holidays I decided that New Year's isn't so bad. I could DEFIANTLY use a new beginning.

#1 Don't be so uptight.
I am so hard on myself, and I worry SO much. Don't get me wrong when you worry it means you care, but if that is the case I need to care a little less. Being uptight just makes me stress. So, I need to care a little less.

#2 Spend more time hanging out with friends, and less time working on homework.
I know right!? Most people say they want to do better in school. But those of you who have been following my blog for a while know that I'm hardwired all upside down and backwards. So yes, if car broke down my algebra two book isn't gonna come save me from forty below, hopefully my friends will.

#3 Learn to gut a fish, and go hunting.
I'm memory of my dad. Miss him a ton, and want to keep the mud flowing through my veins. All this make up and nice clothes is hiding who I really am... as one of my best friends would say, I'm a tomboy gone pretty.

#4 Learn guitar.
I want to know what Brian feels when he is playing guitar. It's such a pretty instrument, and I have one. What the heck, why don't I learn to play it?

#5 Learn to love the people and things I hate.
Believe it or not, I do still have some faith. Whether it is in God or the universe or what I ever I still believe in trying to be a better version of myself. So why not try to love the things I hate so much?

#6 Get Healthy.
It's important to being happy.

#7 Get license
This means I can no longer allow myself to pass out... ha ha like I can control it, but I really want to be able to get myself places without having someone drive me there and back ya know?

So last years resolutions that I succeeded in achieving:
Get running again despite of my hips
Get good grades
stay with Chris after I move (we stayed together for a while after i moved so it counts)
Get a job at FAC
community service for scholarships
don't dye hair
visit Utah

Ones not accomplished
weight lifting
hang out with friends
six pack ha ha
no phone after ten
healthy eating ALL the time (had a couple bowls of ice cream here and there)
drivers license
4.0
piano

Good luck to the new, and being a better you!

For all the bad days.

“That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again, that shocking.” ― Sarah Dessen, The Truth about Forever

My thirteenth birthday I spent the day driving to my dads funeral. My seventeeth birthday I spent the day driving to my grandpas. I've spent alot of time wondering why the world seems to pick on me. Although I am not an angel, I most certainly know there are alot more rude people out there. I don't understand why the world loves to hold that magnifying glass above me and torture me like an aunt getting burned by the sun. It seriously is getting pretty ridiculous.
I've decided to come up with a theory to calm my inner anger to all things life. I call it the balance theory. It's the idea that for every bad day in your life you will for sure have a good one. So, since I have a bad day about every day then when I get older I will have the best life possibly because I have suffered so much until now. kinda like without evil there cannot be good.
So cheers to me. May all these crappy days eventually lead to some awesome ones.

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” ― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

Let God Bless The Broken Road That Led Me Straight To You

Thought for today: I am thankful for my ex boyfriend Chris.


Yup. True story that one. If it weren't for him I wouldn't have probably found Brian. There is alot of mistakes I made when I was dating Chris and now I am recognizing them, and hopefully doing a better job at being a girlfriend to Brian by learning from my mistakes.


I got to hang out with Brian today. He is so awesome. Haha. He makes me not stress at all. Its SO nice.


Little Story:


I started calling Brian's house phone to talk to him because the area he lives in has bad cell service. Well oneday his dad walked in and asked who kept calling him He told his dad,


"oh that's Kacee." And his dad said,


"Well im going to save HIS number to our phone then."


So Brian called me laughing telling me that his dad thought I was a boy... I told him to let his dad know I was a girl and he said he didn't want to that it will be funny when he does find out. So, I talked to Brian on the phone today and he told me that he was telling his dad that he was going to give the stray cat he found to his ex girlfriend. I guess his dad asked him if he was dating his ex girlfriend again and Brian told him no. So his dad asked who he was dating now and he was like,


"I'm dating Kacee." Well I guess his dad asked who I was, and Brian told him the girl he thought was a guy. Haha. So, somehow out of that I got invited to Brians house for Christmas eve.... (which is also Brian's birthday.)





Haha... Yay... get to meet my boyfriends parents... [Little secret, I hate meeting my boyfriends parents. It's horrifying, but this time I'm going to be on my best behavior and keep my mouth glued shut]

New Years!

In case you were wondering, yes I do skip right over Christmas.
I LOVE NEW YEARS! It's like a not so new beginning! I love thinking of things to work on through out the year.
So... I need help deciding what to do.
So if anyone has new years resolutions that you are willing to share please post. I want to hear what everyone has to say.

horrible girlfriend.

I am an abusive girlfriend. I straved Brian, Made him freeze, bored him to death, and drive him to exhaustion. Who sucks at being a girlfriend? ME! I invited him to ashleys wedding but my mom told him not to come until later because she didnt want to run out of food. So, I told him to just come to the reception at seven... well.. turns out he has never been to a wedding before and that he didnt know there would only be cake at it, and he hates cake. So he was hungry the entire time. Then, there was no where for him to park so he had to walk around the entire hotel at thirty below and was freezing by the time he came inside... By the time he got there everyone was just sitting there and not dancing cause they were tired so he was probably extremely bored, and he was tired because he stayed up late playing video games and I kept him out til midnight.
I suck...
I'll give you wedding details later....

November 26

Tomorrow is the dead day of my dad a couple years ago... It is also going to be Ashley's wedding day. I am going to try so hard to be on my best behavior.
On the bright side Ashley invited Brian, and when I am around him it is like impossible to be sad.

I don't know how hard tomorrow is going to be. This is like the worst nightmare of my sisters and I, to get married and not have a dad walk you down the isle. I always imagined that if I get married I would have my only grandpa that I have ever known walk me down the isle, but he is no longer alive either.
Just my luck right.
Can I be honest about something? (Assuming that you said yes...) Since my grandpa died my entire family is making a huge deal about it. Our whole thanksgiving was dedicated to him. My grandma wants everyone at the funeral to say a memory about grandpa, and she is asking everyone to think of a song that reminds us of it. Everyone is making a big deal about it but don't get me wrong I loved my grandpa, but I guess you can say that i am extremely jealous. No one made a big deal about my dad dying. My sisters and I had to go through it alone. My mom freaking took a loan out on our car to fly down to Utah for his funeral. I mean what the heck... my dad was important too!
It just pisses me off.

There is no such thing as a best friend.

If you took a step back and looked at your life would the people you think were your friends still be your friends? Maybe that's why I like moving so much cause I makes life less disappointing. I can't imagine spending my whole life with a no sobest friend come to find out they really weren't after years of "friendship". I don't want to go back to Utah, yet I do. I know that everyone is going to be so different, but I still want to see them.
Maybe Brian was right, people are disposable.

continuing...

My mom, step dad, sisters and I walked into the room where my grandpa laid and everyone began to cry. Except for me. I watched as my mom held my grandpas hand and told him that grandma was going to kill him because he died before she got back. All I could do was stare at him. That wasn't MY grandpa. MY grandpa was not orange, and his teeth did not look like that either. We went back to the room and waited for my cousins aunt and uncle to get there. When they got there I walked them to the room where he was. On the way I explained to my cousin Mckade that grandpa is going to look a little yellow.
My Aunt Haley walked in first. She started sobbing so loud that the nurse's at the desk even looked up. She was crying so loud that my cousin Mckade just turned around and went back. He didn't want to see grandpa. My aunt began yelling for her husband to be in there with her. He went in and then my cousin Payton and Jen went in and I followed. Payton started crying so hard. I grabbed for her and she practically collapsed in my arms when she was crying. Her dad hugged her and she ran out of the room. All I did was stare at grandpa again and listened to my aunt cry. I kept wanting to tell grandpa so many things but I couldn't bring myself around to saying any of it. All I could do was stare. I covered his hand up with the sheet so that he wouldn't be cold... Like that mattered anymore. Finally I said,
"I love you grandpa, tell my dad I said hi." As I walked back to the other room I just felt tears fall from my eyes. By the time I walked back in the room my whole face was just wet with tears. We all sat there and my Uncle Daren said,
"I got to get home and clean up all the blood before grandma gets home." I sat there wondering blood? What blood? I thought he died peacefully with no pain!
...
We get back to Uncle Daren's house and he was sitting on grandpas bed with Aunt Haley. Uncle Daren had the Copenhagen he got for grandpa in his hand and said,
"I tried to do CPR but the blood just kept coming out! I couldn't get it to stop long enough for him to get a breath!" He began crying, and all I could do was stand there in horror wondering what the heck my grandpa went through...
We got home and I couldn't sleep at all. I went into the front room and there my mom laid wide awake her face red from crying. I sat next to her and she said,
"I don't know how you guys did this. I never knew losing your dad could give you such a horrible feeling inside! You guys got the raw end of the deal. I had my dad growing up, you guys didn't."
I just sat there hugging her. That's all I could do. I didn't know what to say.
...
Grandma flew home and went to see grandpa. Grandma is really sad. She said she doesn't know what to do anymore. She said she waited on him her entire life and now she has nothing to do with her time. She says she doesn't have to worry about cooking him dinner or calling him to tell her where she was at.
...

How he went...

"God saw you getting tired. When a cure was not to be,

He closed his arms around you and whispered, "Come to Me".

In tears we saw you sinking. We watched you fade away.

Our hearts were almost broken, you fought so hard to stay.

But when we saw you sleeping so peacefully free from pain,

We could not wish you back to suffer so again.

So keep your arms around him Lord, and give him special care.

Make up for all he suffered and all that seemed unfair."

-Memorial poems (Letting Go)

I was talking to my mom in the Kitchen when she got a phone call from my Aunt. She answered the phone listened and then scream "WHAT!" At first I thought someone had won a prize, then I saw her start to hyperventilate. Immediately I knew that grandpa was dead. He's been sick for a while. He was at the hospital the week before. Grandma was in Utah at the time because she was trying to fight the courts to pay for his medical bills. I watched my mom pace around the house, I watched her sob, and there was nothing I could do. Nothing I could say would stop her from crying. I know this from experience. All I knew to do was to let her cry it all out. I went and got my step dad and he came in and hugged her. She looked at him and said,

"Will you drive me to the hospital?" He nodded and I asked,

"Can I go mom?" and she said,

"We can all go."

We walked into the hospital and asked the lady at the front desk if the ambulance had arrived and she said that it hadn't yet. So we waited and watched as my sister and her fiancee and his daughter came. We waited while uncle Daren and christian arrived. Then finally they said that the ambulance arrived. They took us in the back room and asked his name and birthday. Then the nurse and the doctor walked in and said,

"I hate to be the barer of bad news, but Theron Whiting has passed." The whole started sobbing. Except for me. I hadn't really cried yet. I was more in shock. The doctor explained he had to get back to his rounds, but if we had any questions to let him know, and then he told us that the nurse would be helping us out. She asked,

"Was anyone with him when he passed?" Uncle Daren who seemed like he was just breaking inside said,

"I was." She asked him what happened... He said,

"Well he was doing fine. He was a little weak so I helped him to his bed, and then I made him some soup. After I made him some soup he asked me to go to the store to get some Copenhagen. I wasn't even gone five minutes and I left my boy with him. (He was crying now.) I got home and said dad I go your Copenhagen and then I herd a gurgling noise. I ran in there and he was unresponsive. I ripped him off the bed and onto the floor and tried to start CPR and then I yelled for my boy to call 911." She asked us where his wife was and Uncle Daren said,

"She is in Utah." Then my mom said,

"He was just in here the other day! The doctor told me that he would be fine and that I didn't need to have his wife come home. So, I told her to stay!"

She then explained to him that he did everything right. She assured that grandpa died a quick painless death. (I sat there wondering if they say that to everyone because they told me that when my dad died too. I worked though. I was happy to know dad didn't suffer.) The nurse walked out and Uncle Daren started sobbing and said,

"I promise you guys I did everything I could." We all told him we knew that and that he was so good to grandpa these last few weeks while grandma was gone... Then he said,

"Oh mom!" and everyone in the room started sobbing, but me. It still had not hit me yet. Then the nurse walked in and said that if we wanted to we could go see grandpa and say our good bye's.

... um... I continue later.

Why would he do this to me?

"I cried when you passed away, I still cry today.

Although I loved you dearly, I couldn't make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest.

God broke my heart to prove to me he only takes the best."

-My sisters post on facebook.

My grandpa died yesterday. Now I have to watch my aunts uncles and my mom go through what I went through. I wish I could give everyone mroe details but right now it hurts too bad.

PiCtUrEs

In all my complaining lately I have forgot to post pictures. I realize that all I am posting is a bunch of words, now don't get me wrong words can be very empowering, but sometimes it's nice to see some pictures every once in a while.

So, here is my cousin Payton and I. She became my girlfriend when Chris and I broke up. (No we are not lesbians haha. We just both decided that boys suck.) Turns our she was cheating on me the whole time. Which is completely fine considering it was all just a big joke to get my mind of Chris for a while. ANYWAYS! In this picture Payton and I got together and decided to take a bunch of pictures at the park. Also, that was when I had my hair cut in the summer. It was so short!

This is one of the most recent picture of me that I dare share. I got a different hair cut after these two pictures and I hate it extremely bad. Everyone says that they like it, but I hate it. I guess you can say that the haircut I got isnt me. I feel like I'm someone I'm not with it, and that is a extremely bad feeling... If you can't be true to everyone else, then you should at least be true to yourself right? Well needless to say I am taking vitamins to grow my hair out faster so I can get back to being me...

<= This is a picture of Brian and I at homecoming. In case you were wondering about my outfit, I hate dresses so I went as my cousin Payton's date as a boy because she is too young to date. That night was one of the best nights of my life. I love dancing like an idiot and wearing clothes that I am compfortable in. This was before Brian and I were together. Which makes me wonder why the heck is still wanted to date me after that night haha.

Tomboy...

I remember in middle school I was in my room crying because the guy I liked didn't like me because I liked to play football, and wore clothes that I was comfortable in. I was in my room for like two hours crying about it when my sister Ashley who didn't live with us called me on my cell phone. She could tell I had been crying and asked me what was wrong, so I told her about the boy I liked and how he didn't like me because I was too big of a tom boy. I also told her that he likes a girl with pretty hair, and super expensive clothes.
I remember how upset I was, and how she told me, "Kacee, yeah it seems like that right now, but once you get in high school guys will realize what they really are. Sure it sucks now, but then guys find out that they want to be with the girl who plays football and isn't afraid to get dirty. Guys like to be with the fun girls." I felt SO much better after she said that. So, I waited til I got in high school and I expected it all to change just like Ashley said...
Yeah that never happened. They still like the slutty girls that will give them what they want. I remember guys would always say that modest was hottest... well if that is true why the heck you do all still go after easy girls? I miss elementary school when I had holes in my jeans and beat all the boys at basketball. It was a lot more fun then trying to explain to all these ass holes why I don't want to wear a dress, and high heels to prom, homecoming, and this wedding.

Hanging out with Brian

I woke up to waffles with strawberries and whip cream. Then I went to the bank to cash my check and after I went to my cousins soocer game. Then, I went to the mall with Brian... I was hoping he would pick out something for me to get him for christmas and his birthday... Let's just say that didnt go as planned. Then we went to the movies and I got to spend an hour and fifty five minutes cuddling with him. Afterwards we went to wal mart because he wanted some chicken. Haha. Althought I was super tired and extremely sour I had a great night. There was no pressure, and no plan.
a.k.a. best day ever.

Issues with society #1,385

How many times have people assumed that because I am a girl I like kids... Alot... How many times do I go to work and the guys assume that because I am a freaking girl I do not have the ability to take the garbage out... Every time... how many times when I have said that I am NEVER having kids people tell me that I will change my mind... yeah fuck you guys... How many of my stupid boyfriends, boyfriends parents, friends, family, and complete freaking strangers assume that just because I am a girl I like to dress up and wear high heels?... lets just say there hasnt been a time at a school dance when everyone asks where my dress is... How many times have people assume that because I am a highschool girl I like to get drunk, party, sneak out, get high, and have sex? ... ALOT OF PEOPLE!... How many guys assume that everytime I am pissed off I am on my period... Just about every guy... if thats the case then I'm always on mine!
People make generalizations about me all the time. I think thats what pisses me off the most. If they can go make these stupid assumptions about me why can't I do the same? Of course when I make the generalizations people call me out on it! Way to go make me look like the horrible person. People wonder why I'm so mad all the time. I hate being expected to be a certain way. I JUST got back from the gym and now I am already mad. Normally working out makes me happy... Way to go guys

All this because I refuse to wear a thong at my sisters wedding... If one more person tells me I have to I'm going to freak out... I underwear are there for supposed to hide things that I dont want seen by well... ANYONE! Whats the point in wearing them if they don't do their job?
AND WHO WOULD WILLINGLY WANT A WEDGIE!?
My generalization I got yelled at for: Girls who wear thongs are skanky...

Turn of the tides

Here in a little while my sister is going to come pick me up to go to the gym with her. I'm super excited to go. I LOVE working out. Even if you havent lost anything, or if you are not toned at all you still look at yourself differently in the mirror... and im pretty sure im addicted to it... just saying.
ANYWAYS! This persuaded me to go look up some quotes, and I found some super funny ones that made me smile pretty big. So, I though I would share the love.

The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions, running down their friends, side-stepping responsibility, and pushing their luck!
Author Unknown

The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down.
Rita Rudner

I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Buzz Aldrin

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Robert M. Hutchins

I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.
-Ellen DeGeneres

Aerobics: a series of strenuous exercises which help convert fats, sugars, and starches into aches, pains, and cramps.
-Unknown

Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
-Unknown

I consider exercise vulgar. It makes people smell.
-Alec Yuill Thornton

If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise.
-Unknown

HOLLYWOOD'S FAVORITE DIET: STARVATION.
-Unknown

Diet slogan: TAKE CHARGE, DON'T BE LARGE.
-Daniel Worona

BY THE TIME I'M THIN, FAT WILL BE IN.-Unknown

SKINNY PEOPLE TICK ME OFF!!! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my car keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
-Unknown

I'm bringing sexy back (in a couple of months)
-Unknown

I'm in no shape to exercise
-Unknown

God must love calories, because he made so many
-Unknown

Of course I'm in shape . Isn't Round a Shape?
-Unknown

I'd hit the gym more if it had a smoking section
-Unknown


Haha. All these quotes are like against what I think of getting physical activity but they still made me smile lol.

Good to bad in a blink of an eye...

I had a great a great day. School was fun, I finally got caught up with school work, and I felt like trying again... something that I thought would never happen ever. I have amazing new friends and a super cute new boyfriend.
Then I get home and read what my aunt posts on stupid face book about how the month of November is a bad month for her because her brother in law passed away and that his daughter was getting married on the 26th which was also his death day...
Yeah... boom... good day turned bad. I can't take this! I'm going to get brutally honest here. I hope no one in my family reads this cause I will probably get grounded for life, and hated by my family for life as well, but I don't care...
My sister is just putting her wedding on my dads death day because she wants the attention. She is turning a day that is meant to miss and remember my dad into a day all about her. A day people will feel bad for her, and give her the attention.
Of course I can't say anything because if I do every one is going to call me selfish and tell me that I am going to have problems accepting life when I get older and crap. There going to tell me that I need counseling and crap. WHAT EVER PUT ME IN IT! There is nothing better then having someone sit and listen to you complain instead of telling you what you are doing wrong with your life, and how you should change. IN FACT! They are paid to listen to me complain, even better!
Hey while I'm at it! I don't want to wear a stupid dress or high heels. I never asked to be a brides maid, and I sure as crap don't want to listen about weddings! That is so... AVERAGE! If you truly loved someone you wont need a paper to tell the government you love them. You wont need a freaking ring to prove to everyone they you are together! You will be happy just standing next to them and holding their freaking hand!
No one asked me if I was okay with her putting her wedding on my dad's death day. SHE ASKED MY OTHER SISTER BUT NOT ME! There is 364 other days in the freaking year go pick another one. Everyone tells me that its a symbolic thing that she wants her dad there on her wedding day... I WANT A DAD THERE TO TEACH ME TO DRIVE A CAR, YELL AT ME FOR GRADES, THREATEN MY DATES AT THE DOOR WITH A GUN, TEACH ME TO CHANGE A TIRE, TAKE ME HUNTING, TAKE ME FISHING, AND ALL THAT! SHE GOT THAT! I DID NT! YOU DON'T SEE ME GOING FISHING EVER NOVEMBER 26!
but no... I have to sit back and let them do what ever the hell they want with my dad's memory ... oh yeah... AND ME! CAUSE I'M SELFISH IF I DON'T WEAR A SLUTTY DRESS AND HIGH HEELS FOR ONE NIGHT!
"Kacee it's just one night." WELL IF ITS ONE FUCKING NIGHT WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT!

sincerely,

the unhappy camper...

Once again i fail

I used to be a super positive person. I used to love helping people out and cheering them up. I used to love school, and enjoyed the challenge of homework and competing in sports, but that has all changed. Since my dad died i am a completely different person. Not one he would probably he proud of either. He would probably look at me today and say, "what the hell happenes to my little girl?" I cant handle all this stress anymore! Im so burnt out, and I am learning that the reason why is because i don't have a reason to fight anymore. I stress out because i do care, but i always fail at everything I do. Today at three in the afternoon i sat down super excited to write and essay and impress my history teacher. Now i sit here at almost eleven at night frustrated because there is no possible way to write about the assignment i was given. Not to mention the computer kept over heating, my email i saved it to stopped working, and i couldnt find anything on the assignment i was given. Nothing is going right. I am crying right now because i just spent eight hours on an essay but still have nothing to show for it. My mom caught me crying and told me to go to bed that it wasnt worth it. It is worth it to me. I am the type of person who tries my hardest is everything i do, i cant just stop. Its so annoying. I have never not turned something in and the only assignments in high school so far that have been late, i turned them in only a day late.
Im so fed up with this crap. I need a huge pick me up. A reason to want to try again. I need a reason to care.
I want all these things but for some reason i keep getting shoved back down..

I WANT a therapist

I think I need a therapist or something. Seriously, this is getting freaking ridiculous! Guess what I did today? I havent taken school pictures yet. I avoided school pictures by hiding in my English teachers closet, and then today was retakes. A teacher came up to me and said that they needed my picture, and I said I didn't want it taken. She explained to me that they need it for the year book and I said that is exactly why. So, we went to the teacher who makes the year book and told him that I didnt want that picture in the year book. Then she asked if I would take the picture for security purposes and I said no. I asked the teacher why they couldnt just take my picture from last year, and she said they want a more updated one. I said I looked exactly the same. She said well lets take one anyways okay? and I said well that pisses me off... and started heading towards the camera and she said Kacee dont worry about taking your picture okay?

I don't know why I dont want to take school pictures. I jsut don't like the idea of them. Why would we want to sit in a pose and take a picture like that? There is no emotion in the picture, there is no story behind it... its just a picture... Why dont they put pictures of us when we are doing things we want to do and are happy? I mean can you imagine hey want to look at a book full of one of the worst four years of my life?! yay...

I also threw a fit in English today... Why the heck are we learning about writers who write about things that have nothing to do with today? It's so dumb. It's going to be forgotten soon anyways. I used to love school, and now I have never hated it so much in my entire freaking life!

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown

I'm not hurting over Chris as much anymore. I just thought that saying was kinda funny because that is how I felt when he told me that "we can still be friends". I guess everyone deserves a little update on him. Lets see, as far as I know he said he wanted me back and was being all butt hurt over me for a while, but then a friend of mine that got the chance to talk to him found out that he has been skyping some chick from Indiana and they plan to get together and date... I kinda laugh that he is focusing on a girl from another state, but what ever. I wish people would stop talking about him around me. It makes life a little bit more easier.

Life has been kinda interesting for me latley. I forgot how time comsuming being single was lol. There are two guys who are friends and I hung out with them and now they both like me. In a way they are fighting for me and its frustrating because they both ask me to hang out at the same times. I always say no to both of them. I feel like I keep blowing them both off, but I don't really believe in ruining friendships... Well, that and hurting their feelings. I also have been told I have a secret admirer at school but before my friend could tell me I told him I didnt want to know. Which I am glad I said it takes so much more stress off me.

BOYS SUCK, AND RELATIONSHIPS SUCK MORE!

Good news! I made state cross country! I didn't think I was going to do it but I did! I passed out at regions at the finish line, but that is besides the point! After all my stupid health problems, and starting the season super late I felt extremely accomplished. I didnt have an awesome time or anything, but who cares. I did it! Needless to say, I think I am addicted to running. When I dont run I feel extremely crappy and sick. Today I had the worst head ache ever and I took a six mile run and after my head ache went away for good for the rest of the night... AND I took nine minutes off my six mile time from the last time I ran six miles. WOOH!

I think I will take your advice on setting a goal for myself to accomplish. I think I have decided to start training for a half marathon. Its not for sure yet, but I have been wanting to for a while, and I need a way to stay in shape for the winter.

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it just means you are strong enough to let go." - Author Unknown...

I like this quote because it pretty much states how I feel about a lot of things right now.

The Empty Picture Frame written by me

No one seems to notice that empty picture frame,
the one that taunts me every day, its driving me insane.
They glance right over it as if its waiting to be filled,
but the person who filled that picture frame, was instantly killed.
Everyone seems to forget, that or they just don't care
they don't bother to ask about the picture that was there.
Instead they assume it doesnt matter, and walk right by
forgetting the man who left, letting his memory die.
Its more then just a empty frame, its a reminer you see
for when he left this life, he also took a part of me.
Everyday when you ignore the hidden picture within the empty frame
you ignore an enitre life's worth memories that will never be the same.

Pretending to be me.

It's just a smile trust me, its not what it means.
Its not controlling what im feeling, its not what it seems.
It's simply just a cover up to hide the pain each day,
to prove to the world that im strong, to show them im okay.
I realize showing them my true self isnt what they want to see
instead they want the fake happy girl that pretends to be me.

I'm sorry.

I haven't posted in a while. I have been aruging with myself about writing in journals, on blogs, making poems, drawing... all of it. I've been asking myself over and over again why I do it. Why do we do it? Once we die we are all going to be forgotten and none of it is going to matter anymore. None of us are as important as George Washington or as horrible as Hitler. Why are we wasting our time making blogs that no one is going to read. Why do I write in journals when there is no one there that even cares to listen to me anyways?
If I try to talk to people about what's going on, no one understands. I just get lectured about how I need to change myself, and how miserable im going to be if I don't blend in. I try so hard to get the people in my life that matter to me to understand me and love me for me, but they don't care.
Sometimes I feel like my family loves me cause they have to. Guys only want me cause they need someone to make out with. The girls at my school only want someone to sit with at lunch cause there new.
I don't see a purpose anymore. I don't see a reason to fight. I want my dad alive again. Now my grandpa is fading fast and my mom will have to go through what I go through every day... except for there is one difference... her dad got to live to watch her grow up, and she had him there.
"As soon as the dirt is hitting the casket, it will all be forgotten."
-Eric Bogosian

•" When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

It doesnt hurt anymore. I don't think I miss him either. I am not going to be the second pick again. Just because someone else didn't want him doesnt mean he has the right to get back together with me.
I don't believe in second chances, and I don't believe in honest mistakes.
I believe that if you love someone you'll go out on a limb to make them see. You'll make it known. Until then, I am happy being single. Infact, I'm kind of enjoying it.

"It's actions, not words, that matter"

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions your should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."
~Nicholas Sparks
I understand it now. I understand it all. All those times I did things for him, that he took for granite. All things I swore to myself I would never do, I did for him. I did so much, and yet I am the one that ended up with a broken heart. I should have realized what Nicholas Sparks is talking about. I should have noticed all the times he didn't do things for me that I asked him to do... I shouldn't have even had to ask. He should have just understood.
It's annoying that I ruined so much for a guy who only thought of himself.

"It's impossible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief... lessons. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so over whelming."
~Nicholas Sparks
Another thing seriously frustrating me right now is how much I miss my dad. I was talking to a friend in Utah and she seems to think that I am never happy. That I make myself miserable. I don't. I put a smile on my face everyday. I am hurting every day of my life. I am missing so much that she gets every freaking day. If anything she is the one who makes herself miserable because she complains over the little things like not being able to hang out with friends. The crap I am going through is something most people don't have to experience until they are forty. She has no room to judge or talk. I assume that friends would try to help, but they all can't see past their own noses.

Sitting on the sidelines

"The emotions that can break your heart are sometimes the very one that heals it..."-Nicholas Sparks

Growing up we think of a lot of things, we think about learning to ride a bike, going on our first date, heart break, prom, learning to drive, and getting married... Every detail in all of those include having a dad. I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines of life and watching everyone take advantage of what I'll never have.
Hunting season is here and I sit and watch people leave school to go spend time with their dad's. I hate it. I can't drive because I pass out, but when I do learn to drive I will be wishing I was with dad. I miss him.
I know going through this has taught me a lot of things. I guess you can say the emotions that come with death sure did heal my heart in a way. I am more compassionate and understanding, but it's not worth it. It all just hurts WAY too bad.

I didn't ever want to lose that.

"In time, the hurt began to fade and it was easier to just let go. At least I thought it was. But every boy I met in the next few years, I found myself looking for you, and when the feelings got too strong, I'd write you another letter. But I never sent them for fear of what I might find. By then, you'd have gone on with your life and I didn't want to think you had gone on loving someone else. I wanted to remember us like we were that summer. I didnt ever want to lose that."
Nicholas Sparks

I am doing fine, when I'm busy and not sitting alone and letting my mind wonder. That is how I cope with things. Don't anyone go on and tell me that doing this is unhealthy, I know its bad for me, but it's alot better that feeling the feelings that are meant to be felt. It's not that I am upset the relationship ended. I knew it was going to end. It's the little things I am uspet about. Now, I no longer have someone to hold me when I cry, or bring me hot chocolate when I am sick. I no longer feel the purpose that someone out there wants to hang out with me everyday like he did. I loved fighting with him because it made him want to talk to me and figure things out. It made me feel like there was always hope in the world, that no matter what someone wanted to be with me no matter what a pain I am. I know that the fun things we did last summer, I'll probably never have the chance to do again.
It's the good times we had that I am going to miss.
I hope he finds someone who makes him happy. Someone who made him happier then I ever could have. Someone who looks at the world through the same lense that he does. Someone who is happy growing up in a repeated cycle that his mom and dad grew up and lived in.
I know that every second he is with another girl, I'll be jealous, but I don't care. I know that when I see him in the store holding hands with a girl who once was me, I'll go home and cry. I know that when I'm forgotten and he is no longer hurting, I'll be lost in the past forgotten. I know whats going to happen, but what I feel and think doesn't matter anymore.

Once your in the friends zone, you never come out!

So Chris got screwed over by a girl, he deserved it. I found a new guy... and he wants to just be friends... Katie says, "once your in the friend zone, you never come out!" THAT IS SO TRUE! Of course the only time i find a cute tall guy he just wants to be friends. All because I remind him of some girl he dated his freshman year that was his best friends that his relationships ruined. sounds to me like he wants me forever... forever sucks... friends suck. I dont want to be friends ! Heart broke twice within a two week zone... im on a roll

What did I do this time?

Chris broke up with me about a weekish ago. He gave me no reason. I am sitting here wondering what I did. I know I screw up alot but he was always going on about fighting through it and compromising, yet he was the one who just broke it off for no reason. I'm hurting all over and I don't know what to do. I have thought over and over about what I have done wrong. I am fine with the break up until i see him, then it hurts, and he seems completely fine with it. He tells me to go date other guys but then goes and posts crap about me on facebook when I do. Now I have herd he is going around talking crap about it... it hurts... alot.

Well I got my haircut...

I hope you guys like it because I sure do. Its less of a pain to deal with and it's super healthy! No more dying my hair for a long time! Except I cant get my hair to style like it is in the picture. (The lady who cut my hair styled it like that and i am having issues styling it.) I will figure it out somehow.

I start work soon and that means posting will be harder... since i wont be home AT ALL for five days... maybe ill find some happiness through doing soemthing with my life...

debating on antidepressants

For those of you wondering what I meant by my blog wont let me post... I mean it wont let me post comments on other peoples blog... its so frustrating!

its so annoying...

WHY WONT BLOGGER LET ME POST NOW!!!!

I made a new friend...

and I am super excited about it. Of course, before we were friends we were super rude to each other...
It started out during my first week of school at my new school. I was sitting in the lunchroom on a bench next to my sister who was flirting with her new boy toy. I didn't exactly want to listen to them flirt cause... well I should have to explain myself on that topic... I was starting across the lunch room when I saw this boy staring at me. His eyes were the craziest blue I had ever seen! So me, just speaking my mind like I always to do my sister said,
"That guy has beautiful eyes!" So, Katie starts laughing, and her boy toy says,
"oh Dawson?" and then he stands up and walks towards him. Katie explained to me that her new boy toy was friends with him. (Great, just my luck...) her boy toy whispers something Dawson's ear, and he looks up at me and smiles...
Later on that day I sat down in my new biology class and looked around. Guess who was sitting next to me but across the little walk way? You guessed it... Dawson... After like a week of school he slid his chair next to me and slapped his papers on my desk and said, "Will you help me write the answers in on this paper, while I finish up this paper?" As he looks up at the teacher who was coming around to grade the papers he was struggling to finish. I just stared at him.
I could not believe that just because I complimented him, he thinks I would cheat for him. I was having a crummy week at home, with my boyfriend, and sick of moving that he really just asked that at the wrong time...
I stared at him and told him, "I'm not cheating for you." He finished his assignments, and then went back to his desk. (Yeah, I'm rude I know...) After that class we had lunch. I walked into the classroom my sister was in and started complaining about how mad I was that he wanted me to cheat for him. Of course, her boy toy as there listening... At Karyoking like three months later her boy toy had his laptop on his lap and said he wanted to show me something. He opened his face book emails and showed me an email they were sending back and forth. It talked about how much Dawson was into me and that "a bro should hook another bro up"... My sisters boy toy explained I had a boyfriend, and Dawson said that he thought I was into him... Boy toy there fixed that one fast... He went on telling Dawson about how much I hated him for cheating. Blah Blah Blah...
Needless to say, I felt really bad. I kinda raised his hopes, then crashed them down. No wonder he wasn't talking to me in Biology anymore... So, I got onto face book (he added me) and emailed him telling him that I did not hate him, and that he just caught me at the wrong time. After a while he started talking to me in biology again. One day he said, "You're eyes remind me of a clear blue skied day, with a cloud." I got really confused. Are my eyes really blue? Do my eyes ruin his perfect day? WHAT?
Then, on the last day in that class with him, we were talking about how I was getting my wisdom teeth taken out soon. He grabbed my year book, and he drew a truck. Underneath that he wrote, "Call me when you get your wisdom teeth taken out... You'll look like a beaver..." And then he left his number and signed his name. Oh how sweet? I guess... Lol.
I didn't really plan on texting or calling him until I was in my Grandma's trailor. We were cleaning it out and she pulls out a belt buckle. She was going to throw it away, so I asked if I could have it, but then I got home later and realized that it was big and ugly and I didn't want it. I couldn't throw it away though for reasons I don't even know of. So, I got out my yearbook and texted a Young man who wears big ugly belt buckles... Dawson...
He wanted the belt buckle, and then we started talking. We had short weird awkward conversations. We were extremely rude to each other as well. Just like we were to each other in biology class. We even got in a huge fight over what to do lol. We were kidding around, but the teacher still had to come stop it. (Ha ha. We were acting like we were in grade school. It was great.) Then we decided to become friends...
Me= RED Dawson= BLUE
"What's up?"
"Watching Salt, I'm confused to why you talk to me."
"What do you mean?"
"I figured you wouldn't talk to me."
"How come? Am I that stuck up looking?"
":("
"You can off like that to me. I'm all for being your friend tho."
"Wow thanks a lot..."
"Well who am I to you? Am I someone to be a friend or no?"
"To me you are intimidating and freaking scary. I think we have the potential to be best friends, minus the bullying. "
"Strangely that means a lot to me and I think its funny that I am freakin scary and intimidating but the bullying don't stop. That's the unconditional love escaping."
"Lol seriously? Unconditional love?"

So there you have it. A new friend. We stayed up talking for three hours last night through face book chat. Normally I would be talking to Chris but he was being complicated AGAIN! He doesn't want to see me until camp because he is sick of hurting me. To me that sounds like he just doesn't want to be seen with me, but what ever...

It seems impossible...

to get on Varsity Cross Country here. All the schools I have ever been to were small and you were on varsity even if you walked the entire course. Here, you actually have to compete. I'm not competitive, I just like to run. In other schools that was enough, here it's not. I want this so bad, but I don't know if I can achieve it!
Maybe this summer Chris will teach me to be competitive. I wish I was competitive, but I'm not. I'd rather just enjoy the new running course then worry about the girls passing me.
I was reading all the requirements that I have to do to be on Varsity, and they are insane. I actually have to keep a calendar with my running miles, and times on them. What? lol What happened to running for fun!?!?! I have to run at least six hours a week, run at least six days, and i am not allowed to run on pavement... I live in town... how is that supposed to work?
It doesn't help my coach thinks I am a freak... BLAH!

My councilor told me to start feeling my feelings...

"Death is the hardest part of life,

Not for those who have passed

But for those left behind.

They are forced to grasp the concept

of leaving this earth to another atmosphere

that we call heaven, that they call home"

*quote found on internet can't find author*

Well she wasn't my councilor, she was my back up councilor for the week. My councilor had her baby and was recovering from being in Labor. (I wondered if she was pregnant or was just one of those people who had a big tummy. Not trying to be rude or anything.) I had a fight with my mom that morning about treating my cousin like crap. (I did treat her like crap.) At first we talked about the fight with my mom, but somehow the councilor knew there was something else up. Turns out there was more on my mind then I thought, and the explosion at my cousin was me breaking at the seams for other crap that was going on. Guess it comes out sometime eh?
We briefly talked about the fight with my mom, but then we moved on quickly to other topics. We talked about not having friends, having hard classes, some living conditions I have been through growing up, my boyfriend, my sisters, my family in general, and my health but all of those were brief...
I was avoiding the topic. I did not want to talk about it, I didn't want to be pathetic and cry over something that happened three years ago. I didn't want the councilor telling me to get over it like my sister does when she sees me crying and asks me what I'm bawling about. (Sharing a room is nice when you're scared of monsters, but for the most part it sucks.) But how could I avoid the topic when she asks so bluntly. What about your dad? Man, I thought I was crying hard before that topic, I was bawling my eyes out now.
What was I suppose to say? Oh, he is better then he has ever been! He no longer is abused my his parents, or being repeatedly hurt by his youngest stuck up daughter, instead he is sleeping on a cloud and chatting with angels... If you believe in that kind of stuff...
After I exploded about how much I missed my dad, and how much it hurts we talked about the side effects of grief. She pulled out a packet on grief and started reading about it. She gave me a copy, and then she looked at me and said,
"Of course you don't need a packet to tell you how you are feeling do you? (She was exactly right, no one can tell me how I am feeling. No one.) Kacee, inside each of us there is only a certain capacity that we can with hold and you have reached your limit. You need to start feeling your feelings. You should try to let it out so it doesn't affect your health like it has. I know through all this you have learned so much." Then she went on about everything she can see that I have learned. Real stuff like how I tell my mom I love her as much as I can, and how I realize that high school isn't my entire life. Not now you know better to treat your parents like shit now. That's besides that point.
So, at a failed attempt to "feel my feelings" I posted not only 12 o'clock at night, but also breaking my parents "no cell phone, or computer after ten" rule. (Not to mention risking being told on by my PMS sister who just woke and told me she is going to tell on me for using the computer so late at night. Normally I would never post that my sister is PMS online, but since no one reads my blog anyways, and that fact that she practically told my boyfriend I was on my period-I consider it payback. Also, my mom promised me that once I got payback on my sister she would not get mad. Well mother this is payback.)
The reason why it's so late is because I stayed up reading a book called "if i stay" by Gayle Foreman. It's about a girl who gets in a car crash and her mom, dad, and brother die except her. Just my luck that out of the 500 books on the shelf I pick one that has something to do with a dead dad. They should have a warning ab out stuff like that on the cover, cause I read the back of the book and it said nothing about death! (The last book I read was called "Scribbler of Dreams" and it was about two dead dad's... Am I supposed to take that as a sign from God or something?)
Anyways, I finally had to put the book down when I read a section of the book that said, "It was horribly depressing - and not just because it was for someone who'd died tragically young and for no particular reason aside from some bad arterial luck." Those words were a huge blow to me. Stupid. What ever. Don't judge me. My dad died was is considered young I guess, and it was bad luck. It was standing at the wrong place at the wrong time when that bucket squished him to death. It hurts, not just because he is gone, but because I have no one to talk about it with.

I don't want to tell my mom because I don't want her to think she doesn't matter.

I can't tell my sisters because they simply don't care.

I don't want to talk to my cousins about it because they never had someone die. They think I should be over it.

It's not like I have friends to talk about it with, and even if I did they wouldn't get it just like my cousin don't get it.

I am too bull headed to admit I really do honestly need counseling, and I have a hard time talking to Chris about it.

Partially because one, he has no idea what I am going through. He has the complete family, and he even told me he had never had someone close to him die. (He tries hard to get it I know he does. One time I cried like an idiot at his house because I was mad at my step mom for sending me a email that pissed me off about my dad. I left a ton of mascara on his shirt because he was holding me while I cried. His mom probably thinks I'm just a stupid girlfriend who wants attention, and then I had to sit at the dinner table face to face with his family. My eyes here beat red, and I no longer had any make up on my face. His dad sat across from me wondering what the heck was wrong with me. Little did anyone know it killed me to look at Chris's dad at that moment. There I was just got done crying over my dead dad while Chris's entire family joked about his dad. AGH! It hurt so bad.) Chris's tries to be there for me I know he does, and he does a good job at it too. It's just hard.

Reason number two why I can't talk to Chris about it is because he is a guy. All guys assume that when a girl cries she is on her period. (And thanks to my sister he knows that I at least have one once a month... I am so mad at her, and for those of you wondering... No, I am not on my period right now!) I want Chris to take me seriously, and not think I am an over emotional girl. Even though I am... My grandma lectured me two days ago that the reason why I am mad all the time is because my grandma and grandpa on my moms side, and my grandma on my dad's side all suffer from chemical imbalances in the brain. She also said she researched it and it is traced through generations of hers and my grandpas side of the family and that I have a 75% chance of having it too. I have it... I know I do. But if I get on something for it no one will take my emotions seriously. I probably wont either and that wouldn't be healthy... It's just not.
If I start admitting and crying to "grief" then maybe I wont be so angry all the time. Maybe I can accept that I don't have a dad, and move on with life... (Yeah, right... I make it sound so easy...) Tonight I am upset. Not because I am on my period, not because I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and am too bull headed to get medicated for it, not because I am trying to get attention, but because I miss my dad.
I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

It's crazy how one person impacts a persons life.

Chris is leading a canoeing trip for three days, he has no cell phone service and not talking to him is driving me crazy. When we normally text our conversations are one worded, and a mixture of "I love you" and smiley faces. At the time, it seems like it doesn't mean anything, and it's not even worth texting him because we don't really even have conversations, but when he is gone I realize I love looking at my phone and seeing his name pop up even if it is just a smiley face. Who knew a colon and a parentheses meant so much? I don't really text anyone else since I am such a loner, and don't really care much to make friends anymore...

When I moved to his school,l I guess you can say I had no interest in making friends. I was not used to these brutal school systems, (I was more used to the lazy school systems where I used to live.) and I ended up studying before, during lunch, and after school. I quit all my after school sports and stayed up until three in the morning doing homework. Not to mention we had nine people living in a three bedroom house, and most the time I slept in the garage with the dog.

Needless to say, Making friends wasn't exactly a high priority at the time, and finding myself a boyfriend was out the of the question!

Out of all the girls in the entire school, Chris somehow decided to want me as his girlfriend. Of course most couples say this about the person they are dating to show that the person they are dating is super amazing and such, but with me that is a whole different story... Me and Chris dating is like a dirty, grey, misshaped rock (me) dating a vibrant, red, and super shiny bouncy ball. (Chris) It just doesn't work!

He's a super popular Senor with tons of friends. He hangs out with guys that have no worries and act stupid for fun, and super frilly girls with short skirts that cheer lead and have super high pitched fake voices. He wins everything he does without even trying, has tons of scholarships, and awards. Everyone loves him including teachers, and parents. He considers himself a people pleaser, and he's super competitive. He seriously plays every sport out there, and he has the average "happy" home life. He worries about nothing and gets everything he wants.

This perfect and talented young man wanted to date me. The super nerd who is a loner and has no friends. Who hates people who act stupid for fun, and hates cheerleaders, skirts and dresses, and fake high pitched voices. Someone who never wins anything even if I do put my all into it, and probably wont get any scholarships. Everyone hates me for the most part because I can't be normal, and I speak my mind to much. (Practically the only time I do talk at school.) I am defiantly not a people pleaser, in fact I purposely do the opposite of what people tell me to do, just because I hate people telling me what to do. I hate being competitive and the only sport I actually enjoy doing is running. My home life is far from average and its only happy when I ignore the fact that I'm pretty sure my family hates me. (Yes, this would be the first time I have ever admitted this to the world.) I worry to the point that I make myself sick, and I work for most the things I have. Him bringing me home was probably the only thing he has ever done to disappoint his parents in his life!

I hope everyone understands why him and I shouldn't be together. When he first took notice of me, I ignored him. In fact, I admit I never even noticed he was there. Today we laugh about it, but it's really astonishing to me how much I didn't even notice him when he practically threw himself at me! I finally started realizing he existed when my sister told my mom i ignored him when he tried bragging to me about some scholarship he was awarded. My mom chewed my butt out for not noticing him. (It's ridiculous she did that. Aren't mom's supposed to want to repel boys from their daughters?) I started talking to him because my mom forced me too, not really because I wanted too. Actually, I hated having people to talk to because it peeled me away from my homework, and actually made me talk to people. Frustrating? HECK YES!

After a while of talking to Chris and pretending to be interested for the sake of not having my mom yell at him, my mom told me that I should date him. I decided to try it out. NEVER had my mom TOLD me to date a guy before. My previous boyfriends were druggies, emo's, lower then average students, and at the time them bringing me home to their parents was like a miracle to their parents---in fact some of their parents even got teary eyed when they heard I broke up with him. (By the way, it's HUGE setback to go from being a miracle to a disappointment might I add.) So, I thought it would be interesting to date someone my mom wanted me to date for once.

For a couple months of dating Chris I really, really didn't want to be with him. (Don't judge me okay, I just wanted to be alone and dedicated to school.) Dating him was more a chore then anything. Now I actually had to talk to his family and friends, and be pressured into going to prom and being "normal"... (I HATE NORMAL! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!)

Now, things have really hit me... hard. After being sick and having him take care of me, and having someone to talk to when I'm upset, I realize dating him isn't all THAT bad.

I enjoy being with him now. I feel like I'm dating my best friend. There are some things Chris knows about me (and oddly accepts) that I never thought of telling my best friends... let alone my boyfriend. Without Chris I would have no job this summer, nothing to do this summer, no one to talk to, no one to vent on, no one to lean on when I am hurting and so much more. It's crazy how Chris... one person... has such an impact on my life.

(Although I do admit, dating him is super hard sometimes because we are so different. He wants to be bubbly and be a NORMAL *grinds teeth together* teenager, and I just want to be introverted and different. Not to mention I went from being the light in the guys' I was dating lives, and now I am the storm cloud that washes over a beautiful day. Not to mention he wants to be together all the time and my parents only really allow once a week. It does get hard, but it's SOOOOOOOO worth having him there you know?)

... Now the hard part... keeping him around especially now that he is graduated.

Sun Shine and Summer Time

Summer had been great because school just sucked that bad! lol. I am super excited for work to start, and it's nice not having to worry about due dates, tests, and whether or not something is good enough for other people or not. So not excited for my summer assignments! Ick!

SuMmEr TiMe!

Hey everyone,
I am sorry I haven't posted in a long time, things have been crazy with finals and school. I am sitting here on summer break wondering how the heck I survived all the crap! I was so stressed and school burnt out it wasn't even funny. Needless to say, summer has been great to me!
I've been four wheeling, swimming in a freezing cold lake, had BBQ's, had a bunch of sleep overs with my crazy little cousin Payton, AND GUESS WHAT?!!? I started cross country again and it doesn't feel like a chore again! It's the best feeling in the world! I love it when running feels so good.
Also I got a ssummer job! Its at a boy scouts camp, and Chris had worked there for a couple years before. I was really hoping to get the job because it's outside and I wouldn't be stuck home all summer. Plus they provide cabins to stay in durning the week. Anyways, I went to the interview and after I knew I was NOT going to get the job. All my answers made no sense and I left the interviewers wondering what the heck I had just said. haha. Then, Chris told me the our boss said I got the job as a hand craft director and I was super excited. Chris said he has been working there for like three years and he doesn't even have a job that high, plus when he first started he only got paid 110 dollars and my first time on the job I get paid 200 dollars. I'm super excited. My boss is friends with my sister Ashley and she said she could tell I was nervous because I had been scratching my neck before the interview and there was a big red spot.... embarrassing... She said I have one of the hardest jobs and Ashley assured her that I could do it, and she also let them know I would be nervous throughout the whole job, but that I would get the job done right.
It's going to fun I hope!
Sorry again for not posting in a long time!

New Out Look On Life

I know I haven't posted in a while. Things have been so crazy. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Except for today, I am home sick. I have been home sick for a while and I am hating every second of it. I can't stand the fact that I am the thing holding me down. When I waste so much time trying to prove to people that nothing can hold me down. Then, When I get sick I am the person holding me down.
I discovered something this week. It goes against everything I believe in, and it's lamer then lame could be. I think if I got married I could possibly be happy. I was at Chris's house feeling like complete crap, and he was there to make me feel better. I was laying there with a head ache and he closed the blinds, got me a cold rag for my head, and some medicine. He got me hot chocolate for my sore throat, and offered to make me some tea. He made me food when I was hungry, and then put in a movie for me to watch. I fell asleep next to him, and woke up on his chest with his arms around me. He was asleep too. It was the best feeling in the world.
Now that I think about it, there is so much he does for me. He lets me wear what ever clothes of his that he wants, and does so much to impress me. He drove like forty five minutes just to bring me some hot chocolate and then stayed with me when I locked myself out of the house. At the Easter party I got mud all over my shoes, and he let me wear his and take his home.
I always thought that getting married would be horrible. I always imagined me cooking, cleaning, and making the man feel better, but this week I see other wise. I see it being a two way thing. Maybe other relationships may be the girl being the second human to man, but with Chris it's different. He is such a sweet heart!
I know I'm like way to young to be thinking about crap like this, and trust me I'm not letting it get to my head, but I do want to show the world that I do see the good things in life as well. I bet next week I'll go back to being against marriage. I'll hate it in every way shape or form and think all girls are freaks for looking forward to it, but today is different.

Life... Why me?

When I was innocent easy to sway,
you tore me down; I lost my way.
When I was hurting, ready to break,
you made me as if I was a mistake.
When I was eager and willing ready to try,
you pushed me down and made me cry.
When I was strong and nearly unstoppable,
you found my weakness and made it possible.
When I was bruised broken and sore,
you made the pain a whole lot more.
Now that I'm swollen, hurting and in pain,
there's not much hope left for you to drain.
Now that I've quit trying and stop wanting to soar,
I can't imagine a pain that would hurt more.
Now as I'm sitting forced in the sidelines of life,
my driven qualities are lost; failure stabs me like a knife.
As I see my friends succeeding in everything they do,
I feel a wave of hurt run through me in a form brand new.
While life was busy stepping on me,
It let everyone else run wild, crazy and free...

Epic Failure

Well I think I should change the quote on the top of my blog, because I just reversed it completely. Lately I have been so frustrated with myself. I give my all everyday at school, everyday at track, I try hard in competitions to win something, and yet I get nothing. Not even a "good job Kacee I'm proud of you!"... Does anyone know how frustrating that is?
I quit track. My all time favorite thing on the face of the planet, I just up and left. Why the heck would you quit something that means so much to you might you ask? Well because it doesn't make me happy anymore. I used to love running cross country and seeing myself improve, but no one really said good job. No one went out of their way to go to one race. It wasn't important enough to them. I wasn't important enough for them. All season long I decided I would try my hardest and try to get the other runners to accept me, and have the coaches tell me good job. I ran all freaking winter long and then when track season finally came I finally was starting to get accepted. I FINALLY got a good job from the coaches, and then we just up and moved... My cross country coach up here and my coach at my other school hated me. I wanted to prove to him that I could do it and then my hip injury ruined that. Then, I moved again and my track coach didn't even notice me, and when he did it was when I didn't do good at all. Plus it was like a whole start over with trying to get the team to accept me again.
I finally just got sick of it and told him I was quitting. I was crying and it was this huge mess! I don't know what to do. I want to run for fun, but I don't want to get out of high school and wish I did it you know?

I gave up... the opposite of what my quote at the top said.
Not to mention I might have aneurysms on my brain... Fantastic... That would explain why I have been coming home and sleeping so much, and getting head aches... The worst part is someone in our family just died of one, and my uncle had to get like six fixed through brain surgery... fan... freaking... tastic.

Spring Breaks Over

Spring break is over and I have school tomorrow. The vacation was so nice that getting back into my routine is going to be so hard. I am so burnt out. Then, track is starting offically and I am ready to quit. I don't have enough time in the day or energy to do both. It's so exhausting. Especially when these things don't come as talent for me like they do for other people.
I'm going to need a lot of motivation.

Why I hate family time...

Today would have been an awesome day. We went to the dog sled races, and Chris showed up. It was warm outside. Then my sisters open their freaking mouths. They go on about how they hope I have ten kids. The first set being twins. They hope my first time around I'll get pregnant. ITS NOT FUNNY! That isn't something you joke around with me at. I hate kids. I don't want them and they know that. I don't make fun of them nearly as much as they make funny of me.
DON'T SAY THAT'S WHAT SIBLINGS DO CAUSE ITS NOT!
When I turn eighteen I'm up and leaving so I don't have to deal with this crap anymore. Just because I'm a freaking girl doesn't mean that I have to like or even have kids. It's not my purpose in life.
DON'T SAY I WILL CHANGE MY MIND WHEN I GET OLDER CAUSE THAT WILL JUST PISS ME OFF!
The more people say I will do something the more I wont do it. After they were making fun of me in front of a huge group of people I finally stop them by saying well if that does happen I'll just get an abortion.
YEAH WHAT NOW SUCKERS!
I'm not kidding either. Then when we get home my mom freaking gets mad at me for saying that. What just because you don't approve of it then its wrong? She said it offends people. YOU KNOW WHAT! PEOPLE WALK RIGHT UP TO ME AND TELL ME MY DAD IS ROTTING IN HELL BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GO TO CHURCH! WASN'T THAT OFFENDING?
PEOPLE TELL ME I AM STUPID AND NEED THERAPY?! ISN'T THAT OFFENDING?
PEOPLE TELL ME THEIR RELIGION AND THAT I SHOULD REALLY GO TO CHURCH! THAT IS OFFENDING!
WHY IN THE HECK DO I HAVE TO WATCH MY MOUTH WHEN EVERYONE ELSE DOESN'T!?!?!?
Telling me all I am good for is having kids is offending. I hate kids.
I hate family time.
I hate love.
I hate marriage.
I hate society.
I hate when people shove their religion in my face.
I hate it all.
If I don't like it I'll say so.
If my opinions offends you then leave me open to say them. I would have never said that if people didn't bring it up.

Date with Chris =D

Chris and I went snowboarding yesterday! It was so much fun! It was warm outside so we were boarding in sweat shirts which is always nice. The mountain wasn't packed so we didn't have to dodge people. He did show off boy tricks while I practiced my "S" turns. In the picture on the left we were sitting in the lodge because he was hungry. So he ate while I took pictures. :D
I think it was our best date yet! Plus, I have strengthened my hips since last time so they didn't hurt at all! Other wise I would have not practiced my "S"turns at all! One time while I was going down I hit like a snowy pot hole and my board stopped but I didn't. Haha. I did a couple front summer salts. It was so embarrassing and Chris saw the entire thing!
On the right is a picture of Chris holding our snow boards. It's my favorite picture of him so far. It should be his senior picture for school or something. Lol. It's THAT good. Lol. In my mind. In that picture we were waiting for the bus to take us to the top of the mountain instead of a ski lift.
:D
While we were going down the mountain Chris told me I was doing so good. (Talking about my snowboarding skills.) Little does he know I am better then that, but I don't want to push it with my hip problems and doing track. But he doesn't know that he has only seen me board the basic crap, but the complement felt good. :D It wasn't the way I look complements. It was an honest one. I'm NOT into lame girly like complements, I'm into lame Kacee like complements. Lol. I JUST LIKED IT OKAY! I'M STUPID I KNOW!
After we went snow boarding we went to Barnes and Noble and he bought us hot chocolate. Haha. He knows me so well! After we went to his house had dinner and played the WII.
It was a great date. :D