I don't know what to do. It's been since October and this boy has broken every wall and barrier I put up. When he is around I am SO happy. I can't think of a time where I have been happier, and that is odd considering I have been to Disney Land! It sucks because when he is not around I am SO depressed, suicidal, and extremely unhappy, but the second he is in the room I am on top of the world!
I feel so vulnerable right now because I feel like I have given this boy too much. I feel like if everything came crashing down I would go crashing down as well. I hope that what him and I have right now lasts a really long time, because I cant imagine what it would be like to not have him.
I've never felt so beautiful, so happy, and so comfortable in my entire life. He just takes me as I am and I love every second of it. GOSH!
What have I gotten myself into!?

List of things to do this summer...

I want to have a summer where I feel like I can be a kid again. So with the help of my best friend google, we came up with a list of things to do this summer. I hope you all make a list too!

1. Grow a Sun Flower plant, because I've always wanted to do that.

2. Build a sand castle, since I've never made one I was proud of.

3. Bury a friend in the sand, because the possibilities of what you can turn that person into are endless.

4. Picnic at the park with a bunch of friends, that will never get old.

5. Discover a new ice cream sandwhich recipe because that just sounds interesting.

6. Cloud watch, because I've never had someone to do that with.

7. Bike five miles, because I need the exercise.

8. Make the best banana split ever. That includes chocolate dressing, nuts and anything else I can find!

9. Take a nap under a shady tree because that just sounds like it could be fun.

10. Go swimming. I've always wanted to blow up an air matress and assemble a tent ontop of it.

11. Go fishing because Brian says he hasn't been fishing before.

12. Sleep outside whether it's in a tent or just in a sleeping bag.

13. Create a photo journal. I don't know what this is, but it sure sounds fun.

14. Go hiking. I love hiking!

15. Make friend ship bracelets! You can never have too many of those!

16. Tye dye t-shirts. The possibilites are endless. Maybe even my bed sheets!

17. Have a watermelon seed spitting contest. Baha. I've got to try this!

18. Learn to skip a stone. I've always wanted to learn how to do that!

19. Make your own popsicle. I haven't done that in forever!!!

20. Flatten and dry flowers. They always turn out so pretty!

21. Create a side walk mural with chalk!

22. Make a bird feeder

23. Go berry picking!

24. Go to an outdoor concert!

 

SCREW IT!

Let's get serious right now. What the hell are we fighting for? Why are we going through all this shit!? What in the end is going to be so great that is worth living for? I mean in life we have all been asked or thought about the question "Is he/she/it worth dying for?" When the real question should be is it worth living for?
I have such a hard time trying to find a reason to live. I am so fucking depressed I can't even scrap the top of this happiness mystery. I feel so good then I am just hit with this wave of hurt.
I'm sick of being strong. I am sick of holding it all in. I am sick of being okay just because that is what everyone wants to hear. I have told people I am not okay and they always change the subject. I am so done with putting everyone else before me. I sit and listen to a bunch of people complain all the time about worthless shit and then when I need them to complain about worthless shit they are not there for me! WHAT THE HELL!?
I have such a fucked up support system. I realized yesterday that if Brian decides he doesn't want me anymore I don't know how much longer I will be able to last. I just don't even know if he loves me anymore and that hurts since he is the one person that I thought did. I hate that I am dependent on him, but I am. I don't want to be strong anymore. Maybe I need that stupid super hero after all.

Biggest Loser

Kim Nielsen is my idol right now. She was a professional female wrestler and during a wrestling match her opponent broke her back and tail bone. She was then thrown across the ring, and somehow managed to get up and finish her match walk into the locker room and collapse on the floor. That is insane! Having a broken back and STILL being able to walk LET ALONE finish your wrestling match?! That is crazy.
All because of her injury she lost her job, her confidence, and gained a bunch of weight. She weighed one hundred and twenty eight pounds and only had ten percent body fat before she broke her back.
On the biggest loser ranch she got it all back. I mean look at these pictures. This girl went from obese to becoming more fit then I am and I have never been obese. She is truly amazing.
Check out this link if you want to see for yourself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8I6wzL6DUo

“ You don’t take a photograph, you make it." - Ansel Adams

I'm teaching a photography class at boy scouts camp and I decided to pull out my camera and take a picture. I'm really excited about teaching this class because it is fun to try to show the world what you see in something. It's hard to take something mediocure and turn it into something beautiful.
This is just my little brother holding my grandmas dog on our pourch, but when I see this picture my mind just lights up with happy thoughst because of the look on my brothers face and the lighting.
I hope that making this my new hobbie will help boost my happiness. I really need some good changes in my life.