Strong

There is one word that many have used to describe me, and that word is strong. My family, friends and class mates all agree that I am the strongest person that they know. I recall the first time I heard someone call me strong. It was my cousin Mckensie, she lived half way across the country from me, and she was the one person I felt I could always talk too. I had called her a couple nights after I got the dreaded message from my older sister saying that my dad had died. I hadn't dealt with the situation and I found myself sobbing to her over the phone. I expressed to my cousin my feelings and then sat there in silence. We were both considerably young and asking each other for advice at that age on a subject such as death was practically impossible. The silence seemed like forever while I waited for advice from my cousin who had no expirience or knowlege on anything related to death.
Finally, she found something to say to me. She said,
"Kacee, You are so strong. I don't know how you do it." I remember sitting there confused. I called her crying and miserable and she was calling me strong. She explained to me a memory that she recalled from a couple years before. My mom decided to move me to Alaska to get away from my abusive dad, and we kept it a secret from him until the night we were leaving. I remember my dad bending down to hug me while he sobbed into my little shoulder. I didn't understand why we had to leave. I was young and at the time my dad was my hero. My cousin was there watching that night and she expressed to me through the phone that she didn't know how I did it. In her eyes I was strong.
I got off the phone feeling better. I was strong. I fed off of that thought. Almost instantly that is who I became. I was the strong one. I stood infront of my dad's casket and I didn't cry. I held my mother and my sisters, and I kept my composure. I sang at his funeral standing between my two older sisters who were sobbing and I picked up the lyrics that they couldn't sing becaues they were crying too hard. I held it all in because I was strong even though every ounce of me was completely falling apart.
I guess you can say this describes my life after my dad died. I keep my room overly clean, I have all my school work organized into folders, and I have my shit together. What I say is grammatically correct, and my answers always make sense. People come to me when they want the truth, not friendship. They know they will get honesty from me whether they want it or not. I had a 4.0 gpa, and I had became the star of the track team. Everything in my life was in check. Well, everything on the outside at least. Strength became my mask. It became what I used to disguise the world what I was feeling inside. I never dealt with death or grief I just ignored it. I used my perfect grades and answers to hide what was really going on inside.
There is no word I despise right now more then the word strong. I always thought strong meant holding it all together and being the foundation for everyone to walk on. I thought it meant fixing everyone's lives and being there to patch things up for everyone else, but I was wrong. I later learned that being strong was the worst thing that could happen to me. Sometimes being strong means being able to cry because that means moving on, but I never did that. I still haven't been able to cry or move on, and I think that's what is scaring my loved ones the most. I am no longer being strong. Infact I am doing just the opposite, I am completely falling apart.

HOPE

I need something to believe in. Something that I can think about that will give me hope when I just want to end it all. I remember my therapist trying to do this, but I was too stubborn to try. Back then I wanted to talk about what was going wrong because that was why I was in there.
Now that school is out I am giving myself a break. I need to figure myself out. I need to no longer allow myself to be burn out. I did a little soul searching and discovered that I am burn out because I feel like I am doing all this work and never getting anywhere with it. So, I decided to try to focus on a future career and plan out the perfect one, and not stop until I get it. 

My Dream Life Long List of Dream Jobs:
zoo keeper
marine biologist
combat medic
personal trainer
physical therapist
nurse
emt
firefighter
nutritionist
FBI
forensic anthropologist
lawyer
teacher
therapist
humanitarian
wildlife photographer
astrologist

Things I Natrually Enjoy
running
reading
writing
helping
planting flowers
exercise
eating healthy
scrapbooking
fishing
learning

Things That Excite My Imagination
Working on that haunted house
teaching
traveling
public speaking
creating

People I Admire
grandpa because he loved to work
my dad because he helped people just because
micheal jackson because he did what he wanted despite what people thought
brian because he is so smart and so thoughtful
steve because he gets excited  about building things
mom because she has a good work ethic
grandma because she always knows what to say (or at least she did before grandpa died.)

Why All The Things Listen Above Make Me Happy
I feel like I am:
moving forward
helping
learning
getting things done
becoming someone that the world needs
growing as a person
making stories to tell

Times When I am Enjoying Myself
When I am with Brian
When I am part of something bigger then myself
When I am working hard on something that I know will go noticed
When am I doing something I love
When people recognize how hard I work
When I feel loved

I guess this all just sparks my imagination. I want hope... NO I NEED HOPE! I am sick of being sad all the time and I hate how I can't just turn it around like I would like to, but I am stuck in this dark and deep hole clawing trying to get out.

 I just need to reach for the stars.

What I've Done So Far

 Finished:

Grow a Sun Flower plant, because I've always wanted to do that.
Bike five miles, because I need the exercise.
Make the best banana split ever. That includes chocolate dressing, nuts and anything else I can find!
Go hiking. I love hiking!
Learn to skip a stone. I've always wanted to learn how to do that!
Make your own popsicle. I haven't done that in forever!!!

Haven't done yet:
Build a sand castle, since I've never made one I was proud of.

Bury a friend in the sand, because the possibilities of what you can turn that person into are endless.
Picnic at the park with a bunch of friends, that will never get old.

Discover a new ice cream sandwhich recipe because that just sounds interesting.

Cloud watch, because I've never had someone to do that with.

Take a nap under a shady tree because that just sounds like it could be fun.

Go swimming. I've always wanted to blow up an air matress and assemble a tent ontop of it.

Go fishing because Brian says he hasn't been fishing before.

Sleep outside whether it's in a tent or just in a sleeping bag.

Create a photo journal. I don't know what this is, but it sure sounds fun.

Make friend ship bracelets! You can never have too many of those!

Tye dye t-shirts. The possibilites are endless. Maybe even my bed sheets!

Have a watermelon seed spitting contest. Baha. I've got to try this!

Flatten and dry flowers. They always turn out so pretty!

Create a side walk mural with chalk!

Make a bird feeder

Go berry picking!
Go to an outdoor concert! (This will be done tomorrow)

Resume by Dorothy Parker

 Razors pain you;

Rivers are damp;

Acids stain you;

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren’t lawful;

Nooses give;

Gas smells awful;

You might as well live

Ginger and Water

There is nothing more attractive then a guy who takes care of his girl.

I know what you guys are thinking, where did that come from?! Well, I will tell you.
Today I went over to Brian's house. We started watching a movie and I kind of got a head ache, but then I went to change into one of his T-shirts and then it really got bad. I was dizzy, my head was pouding, my eyes couldn't hold still, I was shaking, and I was pretty much being a big baby about it. It hurt so bad. I was like on the ground because standing up hurt, and also his cold tile made me feel better. He picked me up and put me on his bed and was just being a sweet heart!
I asked for a cold wrag and he went and got my an ice pack. He brought me some ibprofen and before I knew it I was out. I'm not really sure how long I was asleep on his bed for, but I woke up to him holding me some tea that he made for me. It was ginger and water. Haha. Apparently ginger is supposed to help/ He was just so cute. I said I was hungry and he brought me food. I just love him so much. Then he laid next to me and held me. I pretty much feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now. He makes me so happy.

I feel like if I stay with him I will be very well taken care of. :D

I don't know what to do. It's been since October and this boy has broken every wall and barrier I put up. When he is around I am SO happy. I can't think of a time where I have been happier, and that is odd considering I have been to Disney Land! It sucks because when he is not around I am SO depressed, suicidal, and extremely unhappy, but the second he is in the room I am on top of the world!
I feel so vulnerable right now because I feel like I have given this boy too much. I feel like if everything came crashing down I would go crashing down as well. I hope that what him and I have right now lasts a really long time, because I cant imagine what it would be like to not have him.
I've never felt so beautiful, so happy, and so comfortable in my entire life. He just takes me as I am and I love every second of it. GOSH!
What have I gotten myself into!?

List of things to do this summer...

I want to have a summer where I feel like I can be a kid again. So with the help of my best friend google, we came up with a list of things to do this summer. I hope you all make a list too!

1. Grow a Sun Flower plant, because I've always wanted to do that.

2. Build a sand castle, since I've never made one I was proud of.

3. Bury a friend in the sand, because the possibilities of what you can turn that person into are endless.

4. Picnic at the park with a bunch of friends, that will never get old.

5. Discover a new ice cream sandwhich recipe because that just sounds interesting.

6. Cloud watch, because I've never had someone to do that with.

7. Bike five miles, because I need the exercise.

8. Make the best banana split ever. That includes chocolate dressing, nuts and anything else I can find!

9. Take a nap under a shady tree because that just sounds like it could be fun.

10. Go swimming. I've always wanted to blow up an air matress and assemble a tent ontop of it.

11. Go fishing because Brian says he hasn't been fishing before.

12. Sleep outside whether it's in a tent or just in a sleeping bag.

13. Create a photo journal. I don't know what this is, but it sure sounds fun.

14. Go hiking. I love hiking!

15. Make friend ship bracelets! You can never have too many of those!

16. Tye dye t-shirts. The possibilites are endless. Maybe even my bed sheets!

17. Have a watermelon seed spitting contest. Baha. I've got to try this!

18. Learn to skip a stone. I've always wanted to learn how to do that!

19. Make your own popsicle. I haven't done that in forever!!!

20. Flatten and dry flowers. They always turn out so pretty!

21. Create a side walk mural with chalk!

22. Make a bird feeder

23. Go berry picking!

24. Go to an outdoor concert!

 

SCREW IT!

Let's get serious right now. What the hell are we fighting for? Why are we going through all this shit!? What in the end is going to be so great that is worth living for? I mean in life we have all been asked or thought about the question "Is he/she/it worth dying for?" When the real question should be is it worth living for?
I have such a hard time trying to find a reason to live. I am so fucking depressed I can't even scrap the top of this happiness mystery. I feel so good then I am just hit with this wave of hurt.
I'm sick of being strong. I am sick of holding it all in. I am sick of being okay just because that is what everyone wants to hear. I have told people I am not okay and they always change the subject. I am so done with putting everyone else before me. I sit and listen to a bunch of people complain all the time about worthless shit and then when I need them to complain about worthless shit they are not there for me! WHAT THE HELL!?
I have such a fucked up support system. I realized yesterday that if Brian decides he doesn't want me anymore I don't know how much longer I will be able to last. I just don't even know if he loves me anymore and that hurts since he is the one person that I thought did. I hate that I am dependent on him, but I am. I don't want to be strong anymore. Maybe I need that stupid super hero after all.

Biggest Loser

Kim Nielsen is my idol right now. She was a professional female wrestler and during a wrestling match her opponent broke her back and tail bone. She was then thrown across the ring, and somehow managed to get up and finish her match walk into the locker room and collapse on the floor. That is insane! Having a broken back and STILL being able to walk LET ALONE finish your wrestling match?! That is crazy.
All because of her injury she lost her job, her confidence, and gained a bunch of weight. She weighed one hundred and twenty eight pounds and only had ten percent body fat before she broke her back.
On the biggest loser ranch she got it all back. I mean look at these pictures. This girl went from obese to becoming more fit then I am and I have never been obese. She is truly amazing.
Check out this link if you want to see for yourself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8I6wzL6DUo

“ You don’t take a photograph, you make it." - Ansel Adams

I'm teaching a photography class at boy scouts camp and I decided to pull out my camera and take a picture. I'm really excited about teaching this class because it is fun to try to show the world what you see in something. It's hard to take something mediocure and turn it into something beautiful.
This is just my little brother holding my grandmas dog on our pourch, but when I see this picture my mind just lights up with happy thoughst because of the look on my brothers face and the lighting.
I hope that making this my new hobbie will help boost my happiness. I really need some good changes in my life.

I did it.

I quit track this morning. I thought I wouldnt be able to but I did. I thought I would feel bad about it, but I don't I feel like I'm starting to finally try to figure all this stress stuff out.
I also got an award of participation for it. baha. yay

Changes

I've been doing alot of thinking about life lately and I've decided that I need to adjust my life so that I am happy with it. I have been thinking long and hard and I have decided that I am going to do alot of things differently.
1.) I'm going to quit my job in the cafe. It's not a bad job, but it's kinda a waste of my time. I work SO HARD and only get paid minimum wage. I need to find a job that I enjoy going to. Plus, during the school year it's a pain when I have homework that needs done and I have to go to work instead.
2.) I'm going to quit the track team. I just can't do it. My body keeps having weird things happen to it. My hips last year, my passing out, my liver and kidney failing (some weird muscle disease), and now my bone is bruised on my foot. I think something is telling me that I should just not do it. Running is supposed to be my stress relief, therefore that's what it is going to be from now on.
3.) I'm going to buy myself an expensive and nice camera. I have always wanted to be artistic and I have always loved to take pictures. I need a fun hobby. Also, next year I am going to take a photography class so that I can learn to properly use it. (Oh the wonders of going to a technical school.)
4.) I'm going to party it up at boy scouts camp this summer. I got the job again, and I plan to make the best of it. I want to take pictures by the lake, go running on the trails, learn to carve wood with a knife and learn all the boy scout knots.
5.) I'm going to earn enough money this summer that I don't have to pay car insurance all year. This will alow me to not have a job during school so that I can focus of school and friends.
6.) I am going to determine if going into the health field is for me or not. I keep bouncing. I want to be in the health field, work on cars, weld and this sounds weird but I have always wanted to work in a zoo. Lol.
7.) I am going to lift more weights. I just want to be healthy and my body wont let me run so I might as well try to lift weights.
8.) I am going to work on relationships between my friends, boyfriend and family.
9.) I want to try new things and be open to new things.

Please hope that I can do all of these. I need to figure this whole depression thing out.

People Issues

I guess lately you can say that I have been doing a lot better trying to socialize with people, but I'm starting to learn that maybe sometimes being secluded from the world isn't such a bad thing after all. I'm learning that people are always searching for the bad in each other. They always measure each other up and try to find flaws. I have not heard one person say one nice thing about someone else, and that just irritates me very badly. No wonder suicide rates just keep going up, it's because the entire human race is just a bunch of ass holes. 

I'm not saying that people have said bad things about me because they haven't. (At least from what I have heard) But I'm just so sick of every one being so rude to each other, and expecting the worst out of each other.

Interesting Summer Already

So, I was on a date with Brian the other day, and we were sitting in his car. We were just about to get out to walk into the movies when my phone started ringing. I looked at my phone and it was from a number that I didn't recognize. Normally I don't answer phone calls to numbers that I didn't know, but I did for some odd reason. It was my former employer from working with the boy scouts. He asked me if I planned on working with them this summer. He said that he thinks that I am good at what I do and that he would really like to have me back this year. I didn't plan on doing it again. I didn't want to get stuck spending an entire month out of the year with my ex boyfriend at camp. It just didn't sound like fun, but I told him that I would like the job. I have this issue where I can't say no to my employers because they pay me money.
So, I have spent a long time thinking about camp and I decided that it doesn't have to completely suck! I mean I could make it fun. If I just relax a little this year and plan well ahead when my classes start I could have a extremely fun time. So, I started to get super excited to go when I then got a text from my ex boyfriend. He said we should forget everything that happened in the past. (Which made me laugh at his text because HE is the one that has been pestering ME since HE broke up with ME.I thought it was funny that he felt the need to say that to me since he was the one that just kept coming back.) So, I don't know how this summer is going to go. I really need to sit Brian down and see how he really feels about me going to camp where my ex boyfriend will be. I don't want him to have to worry you know? He knows I would never cheat on him, but there is still room to worry.
On another bright side, I'll be closer to Brian at camp then I will be where I live since we live so far away. The camp is right by his house, so maybe on weekends when I am heading back to town I can drop by and say hi to him. Which will be awesome. :D
I just hope that I get the exact same job. If THEY call ME and ask me to work for them does that mean I already have the job? If I am them if I am applying for the same position does that mean they will give it to me? I sure hope I get the same position just because it's a manager position and I feel that I can do a better job this summer.
I don't know. I think WAY too much. I just hope that I can have a fun summer to make up for such a shitty year.

Issues with Facebook Pictures

Today I am so sore! My mom and I are going to call my doctor and see about getting a blood test just to make sure I'm not going to go into what I had.
ANYWAYS...
I would just like to point out that people who listen to their head phones super loud are completely defeating the purpose of what head phones are for. I mean honestly if I can head the music that is being put directly into THEIR ears we have a problem. I just feel bad because all these students will be deaf by the time they are thirty. Sad day.
Also, Face book pictures sometimes drive me crazy.
 If you're going to take a picture of yourself in your bathroom or bedroom at least make an effort to make it look clean. Also whats the point of uploading one hundred of that same pictures on your face book? Most of them look almost exactly the same. Just because your looking a different direction in the picture doesn't mean that you should upload both of them.
Also girls, that thing you do with your lips in all your pictures... ITS NOT CUTE! It looks like you have something sour in your mouth, and no you don't look sexy you look like a freaking duck. You know what else? The pictures of you guys in your sports bras is unnecessary. Your friends know if you work out or not. You're fake athletic picture isn't fooling any body.
Guys, if you don't have abs please don't upload pictures of you without your shirt on, and if you do have abs it just makes you look cocky and desperate. Keep your shirts on. Also, what the heck is up with you guys taking pictures of you shoving your hands down your pants? That's not attractive. It's gross. Why would you even think something like that was something other people would want to see? I don't understand especially when it's low enough that we can see your pubic hairs. I'm so grossed out I don't even know what to say about that.
Couples, man you guys sure are cute, but all the make out pictures are just disgusting. The world doesn't need to see you guys making out. Haven't you ever head the phrase "Get a room?"

Bleh.

I'm sitting in my English class right now. I finished what I needed to get done. I sometimes laugh at myself because I am by far the biggest nerd in this school. I do homework during lunch, I got above and beyond what is expected of me, and I care way too much about the small things. If I didn't do my hair and make up you would put me in the typical nerd stereotype. My cousin Payton and I were having a sleep over one time and I got ready for bed. I took out my contacts and put my glasses on, brushed my teeth and put my retainers in, washed my face and put medicine on my face to prevent any acne, and then I sat down next to her and pulled out a book I was reading. She turned and looked at me and busted up laughing. She told me that I am super gorgeous but I just use that to hide how big of a nerd I am. It's kinda funny I guess if you think about it, but just sitting here being done while everyone else is goofing around on the Internet made me think about it.
I'm scared for track today. Instantly after I stopped running yesterday my legs went into ache mode. I don't want to ruin my help.
Wish me luck. 

Nothing right. Everything wrong.

I went to practice today for the first time since my health scare. I'm kinda depressed right now. I suck. I'm so slow and my legs just burn all the time. My doctors, family, and coaches are all telling me to take it slow. Running isn't exactly a slow sport. I'm frustrated. It seems like nothing comes easy for me.
Running is my get away! I need running to be keep myself sane. I just hope I'll be able to over come this. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have always thought of myself as the tough one, but I am realizing lately that I am a whole lot more dependent then I thought I was.

Teenagers are the most misunderstood people. We're expected to act like adults, but we're treated like kids.

I can't wait to graduate from high school, get a steady job, and live on my own. I'm sick of this crap. My step dad just accused me and my sister of breaking the computer charger. Just because we're teenagers doesn't mean were going to walk around destroying everything in our path. My sister and I are damn good kids, and he is lucky he got stuck with us and not some pot heads or worse. This is ridiculous. A man who demands respect from everyone else can't even give it. 



Freaky story number two

A man went to a hotel and walked up to the front desk to check in. The woman at the desk gave him his key and told him that on the way to his room, there was a door with no number that was locked and no one was allowed in there. Especially no one should look inside the room, under any circumstances. So he followed the instructions of the woman at the front desk, going straight to his room, and going to bed.

The next night his curiosity would not leave him alone about the room with no number on the door. He walked down the hall to the door and tried the handle. Sure enough it was locked. He bent down and looked through the wide keyhole. Cold air passed through it, chilling his eye. What he saw was a hotel bedroom, like his, and in the corner was a woman whose skin was completely white. She was leaning her head against the wall, facing away from the door. He stared in confusion for a while. He almost knocked on the door, out of curiosity, but decided not to.

This disinclination saved his life. He crept away from the door and walked back to his room. The next day, he returned to the door and looked through the wide keyhole. This time, all he saw was redness. He couldn't make anything out besides a distinct red color, unmoving. Perhaps the inhabitants of the room knew he was spying the night before, and had blocked the keyhole with something red.

At this point he decided to consult the woman at the front desk for more information. She sighed and said, "Did you look through the keyhole?" The man told her that he had and she said, "Well, I might as well tell you the story. A long time ago, a man murdered his wife in that room, and her ghost haunts it. But these people were not ordinary. They were white all over, except for their eyes, which were red

Humans Can Lick Too.... best scary story ever

The parents told the girl to lock all the windows and doors after they had left. But there was one window in the basement that would not close completely.
Trying as best as she could she finally got the window shut, but it would not lock. So she left the window, and went back upstairs. But just to make sure that no one could get in, she put the dead-bolt lock on the basment door.
Then she sat down had some dinner, fed her dog and decided to go to sleep for the night. Settling down, she snuggled up in bed. Her dog slept underneath her bed. She reached her hand down and let her dog lick it as she said goodnight.
But during the night, she woke up with a start. The girl lay there wondering what had woken her, when suddenly she heard a noise. It was a dripping sound and seemed to be coming from the bathroom. She must have left the water running, and now it was dripping into the drain of her sink. So thinking it was no big deal she decided to go back to sleep.
But she felt nervous so she reached her hand over the edge of her bed, and let the dog lick her hand for reasurance that he would protect her. Again at about 3:45 she woke up hearing drippping. Again she reached down and let the dog lick her hand. Then she fell back to sleep.
At 6:52 the girl decided that she had had enough…she got up just in time to see her parents were pulling up to the house. “Good”, she thought. “Now somebody can fix the sink…’cause I know I didn’t leave it running.”
She walked to the bathroom and there was the collie dog, skinned and hung up on the curtain rod. The noise she heard was its blood dripping into a puddle on the floor. The girl screamed and ran to her bedroom to get a weapon, in case someone was still in the house…..and there on the floor, next to her bed she saw a small note, written in blood, saying: “HUMANS CAN LICK TOO”.

IF I had a best girl friend, what I would tell her.

I'm trying to heal. I really am. I want to feel better. I mention in my last post about wanting to have someone to talk to, and I feel like talking really does do a lot of healing...
There is only one problem, I have no one to talk to. I mean sure I am surrounded by my sisters, mom, super amazing boyfriend, cousins, aunts and uncles, but I still feel like I have no one to talk to.
I wish I had a good girlfriend to talk to, but I am just so awkward and shy. I feel like me having friends is completely impossible. I keep thinking one day someone will just walk up to me and just be my friend you know? But sadly this isn't a perfect world therefore I am stuck writing in a blog to perfect strangers hoping that someone out there in the world will understand what I am going though.
So IF I did have a best friend that was a girl, what would I tell her exactly you might ask? Well, I'd tell her about my new personal discovery. I would tell her that when dad died I built this bullet proof wall around myself. When dad was alive he was here to protect me, but he isn't now. I have to defend myself. I got this crazy idea that all guys are out there to destroy my hopes, my dreams and my life.
I know, I know, this whole idea is completely crazy. I KNOW! BUT! Death can do some crazy things to a person.
Dad isn't here to help me pick out the right guy. He isn't here to warn me, and he isn't here to threaten me. My super hero is dead. So, I put on my big girl panties and forced myself to grow up. Boys = Bad.
Boys are determined to break my heart. They have the muscles to abuse me both mentally and physically even though it is wrong. They can't keep it in their pants, so that could lead to me getting pregnant. They assume girls take care of the kids. (WRONG!) They assume girls will never be as successful as them and so on and so forth. (I'm not saying you guys actually believe this, but this is just what I accidentally stamped into my brain when dad left me to fend for myself.)
I hid from guys for the longest time. I BECAME the guy. I mean think about it. I hate dresses. I hate skirts. I hate everything girly. I hate drama. I love working outside. I love fixing things. I'm a kick ass welder.
You guys... I'm wrong. I realize this but Brian makes it all better. When he is around there is no girl guy competition. There is no I hate my life. There is no I hate being a girl. There is not nearly enough moodiness. When he is around I am no longer numb. I am not sad. Brian is like healing me. I spent all this time believing I don't need a guy when all along Brian has been helping me so much!
Please be easy on the comments! This is a HUGE step for me. It's taken me a lot to get this far. To admit I do need a guy in my life, but with Brian I don't feel like he is determined to ruin it.
So... Dear Future best friend where ever you may be,
Please find me soon. I need someone to talk to.
Sincerely,
me

For a poem that relates to this post please see my poem dedicated blog and follow:

http://writetobeunderstoodspeaktobeheard.blogspot.com/

Religion, something to believe in...

I used to be Mormon. That was my religion. I used to read my scriptures and go to church. I used to, but I don't now. I just took thirty minutes thinking about what happened to all my faith, and then I suddenly realized it all happened when my dad passed. I always thought if something bad were to happen to me, the church would be there for me, but all they did was give me a bracelet. They didn't really reach out to me. All they said was go back to church, and come to young woman's. I was suffering the death of my dad and they wanted me to go pretend I was happy? I mean never once did a leader or even a friend come by my house and ask what was my dad like. They never once sat me down and asked me how I was doing.
How am I supposed to want to go sit next to people every Sunday that don't even care about me? I'm not just saying this about Mormons either. I'm saying this about every religion. How can people dedicate themselves to becoming more like God, yet they fail to reach out to those who are really in need? In fact, they tore me down. I had some people tell me that because my dad did not go to church every Sunday that he was rotting in Hell. Then when I did try to go back everyone stared at me and asked me why I wasn't wearing a dress or a skirt like that was the most important thing they could have asked me right then.
I just wish someone would have reached out to me so that at times like right now I could say that I had something to believe in.

Running... Bad for you? SINCE WHEN!

Track started last week, and for a running fanatic like me I was excited. I pushed myself super hard and guess what... It is screwing up my health.
Friday morning I couldn't get out of bed. I collapsed and my sister ended up having to carry me up the stairs. I was more sore then everyone else and it didn't make any sense. My mom took me to the doctors and I was there for three and a half hours. (Let me just say... peeing in a cup when your legs keep collapsing is extremely hard.) They ran a bunch of tests and turns out I have some weird thing going on that I can't even say because the work is spelled extremely weird. Turns out the enzyme waste from my muscles breaking down had entered my blood stream and now it can be potentially damaging to my liver and kidneys. The normal level is 200 and mine was at 718. They gave me two bags of fluids to flush my system and told me that I have to go back the next day to be tested again. If it is high they have to hospitalize me. I was also ordered to not exercise anymore and rest as much as possible.
I went back the next day and it only went down to 688. The doctor said the last case he saw was a girl in Colorado and she died from it. I asked if I could go back to track on Monday and he got really mad. He now has to refer me to a sports specialist and I have my physical taken away. I go back in for another blood test today. Wish me luck.
Who knew running could be bad for you? It's extremely unfair that I strive to be healthy and that is the exact thing that is killing me....

Muffin Tops

I don't even know when my sister and I started joking around about muffin tops, but I always found myself caught up in the moment. She would make a joke and I would laugh and add onto it. Before our conversation was over, we both were on the ground laughing and crying because it was so funny.
I was just on the internet and I came across a blog that was debating in muffin tops were sexy, and a bunch of guys were giving their opinions on whether or not they were. I was reading it when I realized I had no idea what they were talking about! It's crazy that I have joked around about it for so long and never knew what they were.... So, I got on google and googled it... and just so you all know its when a girls fat hangs over her jeans...
I got thinking about and I realized... GIRLS CAN'T WIN! I mean I am considered under weight for my heighth and I run alot, but when I put on jeans that are tight... THAT GUYS LIKE I have a "muffin top"...
So take your pick boys tight jeans or no muffin tops?

More then Sweat

It's not about having the smallest waist and its not about looking better then the girl next to me, although the weight that I lost from it sure is a plus. It's not a chore I do to release stress and develop toned legs, it's so much more then that. It's the thought that I don't have to impress the mirror. It's the relief I get when I know that I don't have to do my hair, coat my face with layers of unnatural make up or even have a matching outfit to do what I love. The road, sidewalk and treadmill isn't going to care what I look like. It's not going to care if I am grumpy and it's not going to care whether or not I shaved my legs. It's always there for me and the road goes on an on. The road isn't going to end. the world is now coated with roads for me to run on, and I plan to do that exactly. I have developed more then just a hobby, I've developed a reliable best friend.

Running was there for me when nobody else was. I look back at the hard times in my life and I see people walking in and out of my life, but running staid with me. I started running soon after my dad died. I wasn't good at it in fact I was horrible, but I kept with it. I was the slowest runner on my cross country team but some how I dragged my butt to practice every day. My team even had to to wait for me to finish my run because I was so slow. Even to this day, I don't know why I kept with it, but I am glad I did.

I didn't have to say anything for the road to get it, it just read my mind. It listened to my head go on an on and it never did judge me, not once. It didn't go on trying to tell me about how horrible it's life was and it didn't remind me of all the things that I have done wrong like my "support system" had done. Instead it just let me take out all my anger, hurt, sadness and even happiness out on it. It absorbed every time my foot hit the ground, it took in every deep breath and it let me waste all the negative energy out on it. It took everything that was bad and in return made me confident.

I found myself wanting to go to practice. I wanted to see my new best friend. I wanted to tell it how my day was just through my fatigue and gross feeling I had in my stomach. I would spend an hour every day and when I was done I felt like a jewel that had just been polished. Sure I was coated with sweat, breathing hard and had numb legs, but I wasn't numb. I wasn't hurting. I was feeling something for once for the first time in a long time. Running never hurt me like the world has. 

Now I am addicted to the adrenaline rush. I want to get to the top of the hill to show myself that I can. I find my sore legs as a reminder that I have a date with my friend that day, and the second I start running the hurt goes away. On the times that I fail to run I get sick. I get tried and I realize it's my body reminding me just how much I need running in my life.

Running has changed my life, and when you run you truly do release more then just sweat.  

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Embarrassing and a Half... :(

I am really embarrassed right now, and pretty upset about it too. I'm just going to start at the beginning of what happened... :( First off... My boyfriends name is Brian and a part of the human body is Brain. Notice that it only takes the "a" and the "i" to change between those two words... :(

When I first started talking to Brian I asked him if he had seen the movie Igor and he told me no. So, I went on explaining how there is a character in the show who is a robot and his name is Brain, and he went to write his name on his brain jar in permanent marker and spelled it wrong and put Brian on there instead. It's stuck on there for everyone to see. Then there is a rabbit in the movie that names fun of him because he spelled it wrong... Now keep this in mind because it relates to my stupidity...

I guess after I told him that it stuck to me. When I was having health issues they scanned my brain (also when we were friends) and I texted him and said, "My brian results came back." He showed it to him friend and they laughed about it. BUT THIS ISN'T MY EMBARRASSING POINT!

Last month was Valentine's Day and Brian was telling me that this year's Valentine's Day would be the first one he was ever excited for, and that got me thinking, "Oh Crap... Now I really can't screw up." I spent weeks thinking about what I was going to get him. I would get anxiety attacks just thinking about what to get him, so I texted my cousins boyfriend (who is kinda friends with him) and asked for advice on what I should get Brian. He told me that Brian was always complaining in history class about how he broke his Thermos.
I got all excited when I got on google because there is a website that allows you to customize your Thermos. So that is what I did for him. I bought him a 32oz Thermos that is stainless steel with a picture of me and in engraved into it. On the top I wrote "I Love You Brian" and at the bottom it had a cute love quote that said something like, "I have a best friend, boyfriend and lover. I'm lucky because they are all the same person... YOU."
Well while I was making that I was also working on a project for school about a disease called Kuru. This disease is caught when you eat other people's Brains. (Cannibalism in New Guinea) I didn't think about my spelling at the time, I was just excited to finally get him something that might actually like...
The package took 17 days to get here, and it just arrived last week. I was worried Brian would hate how I decorated it. I was worried he wouldn't like it. I was already super upset with how late it was, and I was worried about how I spelt his name. I went to print off my project and realized that every time I wrote Brian on my project instead of Brain so I suspected that I spelt it wrong. I checked the mail as often as I could and when it finally came in I was so excited... Too excited... I forgot to check to make sure I spelt his name right. I have it to him and he was so excited about it. It was cute. I felt like I actually did something right.. He was telling me that he couldn't wait to use it at school the next day, and that he wanted to show it off to everyone at school. I was so excited that I FINALLY did something right with this boy... That didn't last long though.
The next day after school I got a picture text from him. I opened it and it was a picture of his Thermos. A close up of his name. It wasn't his name... it said "I love you Brain." ... I spent 40 dollars on that. Waited super late to get it to him, and I just ended up screwing it up. I was so upset. Also, to top it off his friend who I already didn't like pointed it out to him. I called him upset about it and he told me that he liked it anyways that it reminded him of me more. Great now every time he looks at it he is going to think about how much his girlfriend can't spell. That's real cute... :( It sucks I spelt it wrong because now it's not as special. It doesn't say his name on it. It says freaking BRAIN!
I was so upset. I showed my mom and she laughed her head off. That was a mistake because I get to my sisters house and she and her husband started laughing at me for it. Then she posts on facebook about what a dumb ass I am. I get off work and my cousin walks up to me and starts making fun of me for it. I go to the movies and my aunt and other cousin start making fun of me for it. I'm so upset. They keep making fun of me. It bothers the shit out of me already and everyone just keeps rubbing it into my face. I'm not dumb I can spell I just get in a hurry and my hands think they know what they are doing...
They made fun of me at the movies and he was standing right there. He knows how much it bothers me and when they started making fun of me he put his hand on my back and pulled me closer to him and said "I still like it" and smiled at me.
I'm so upset. UGH. It's nice to know I have a sweetheart for a boyfriend though.

Healthy is a Lifestyle.

I got my results back from my therapist. I have been diagnosed with depression, bereavement, anger management, and anxiety. Doesn't that all make you guys not want to read my blog anymore? haha. I am not as crazy as that diagnosis makes me sound haha... I hope!
I've been doing alot of thinking about my life recently. I have looked at things that I am doings well, things that I am doing good, and things that just don't matter. I want to make some changes based on really what I feel when I am with Brian.
Now I know that it sounds stupid, but I ask that you all just hear me out. I have never been that girl that was really obsessed over every guy I have ever dated. I was always the one planning my life knowing that soon my boyfriend wouldn't be in it. I realize that I am just a teenager and statistics are against me when it comes to teen relationships actually lasting but with Brian it's different.
He pulls out a part of me that I try SO hard to be. He makes me feel alive again. When I am with him I don't stress out. I don't lash out at people, and I dont just float through life, I feel like I'm actually living it. Brian makes me smile, and me makes me feel good mentally because I am not stressing about homework and crap, and he makes me feel good physically because he takes my flaws and compliments them. It's just nice.
So I thought about who I am with Brian and I have been trying to think about goals that will bring me closer to being the person I am when I am with Brian. I need to realize school is important, but so are my hobbies. I need to go to the gym more and eat more healthy because I LOVE IT. I need to write poems again, and dream up crazy things again.
I need to find a happier me, I just need to find the motivation to do it.

A dream or Reality?

There is no way to describe it without making it seem like it's nothing. There are no words or combination of words that make it sound as big of a deal as it sounds to me. It just doesn't make sense. It's like waking up after a dream and wondering if it was true or not. It's just like that, yet it's not at all like that. Everyone says that I am not the only one, yet I have met no one that even comes close to feeling what I feel. I can't explain it.
One day I just woke up and everything about me had changed. I woke up mad at the world, I woke up confused, and more then anything I woke up hurt. Nothing makes sense after he died, and even today it still doesn't make sense. In fact, It's getting worse. I often feel like taking myself out of the equation of life, but I know that wouldn't solve anything. Why can't I wake from this horrible dream, or is this even a dream?
I finally decided that I need professional help. I needed to PAY to have someone listen to me because no one else will. Isn't that sad? To have to PAY someone to care about you?... I now have a therapist and she wants to put me on antidepressants as well... I shouldn't need pills to fix me, I shouldn't be broke in the first place. I just want it to go away, I just want to stop feeling this way. I'm sick of just floating through life never being happy just being mad, anxious and frustrated all the time for no reason. I don't want to be like this anymore. I just want to be happy again.
There is only one thing that makes me feel better and that is Brian, but even then my time is limited. My happiness is limited. My mom says I can only see him once a week, and sometimes I worry about how long he is going to last. If I was him I wouldn't want to deal with me either. I don't know what to do. I shouldn't be dependent on one person to make me happy. I should just be happy, but that isn't the case at all...

My own space....?

Sometimes it's nice to have somewhere to go. A place just for you. It's nice to have a place where no one will bother you, and you have the ability control whether people are allowed in there or not. A place where I can stay up and do homework as late as I want. A place where all my things are. A place I can cry, a place I can talk on the phone in, or even a place to write in my journal without my sister seeing. A place I can decorate to fit my personality, and a place I can just relax in.
I don't only want this place, I need it. I am going through SO MUCH right now. I am SO UNHAPPY. I am CONFUSED. I am HURT, and sometimes it's nice to have a place where I can just be ALONE!
I was so excited to move. I was so ready to get out of this tiny house and with the way my family was talking about it, it made me excited to move to. They were going on about how big it is, and how much nice it will be. they told me I would have my own room. My mom seems so excited about this place, but they failed to mention I would in the fucking living room downstairs where not only the washer and drier will be, the work out equiptment, the family tv, and the couch will be. So when im trying to sleep everyone will be downstairs playing video games, and doing their fucking laundry. WHAT THE HELL! My sister gets a HUGE room all to herself, my five year old bother gets his own room, my grandma who doesn't even live with us yet gets her own room, and im thrown out into the living without any FUCKING privacy! What did I do to deserve this? Katie is 18 why can't we just kick her out!? Katie doesnt EVER have homework she doesn't need a place where she can stay up late and do homework in... WHY ME?! I NEED my own space. It's not fucking fair.

I used too...

I used to have a drive like I was destined to do something great. I used to want something from this world. I always thought that I was going to grow up and go amazing things. I used to work hard at everything that I did, and I used to stand back and look at what I accomplished and feel proud of myself. I used to own the ground I walked on, and I used to smile everyday and mean it. I used to stand with amazing posture and I used to love everyone I met, not matter who they were or what they did. I used to think the world was beautiful, and that happiness is all around you.
I used to, but I don't now. I didn't know that one day everything amazing that world was would come to an end. I don't understand it sometimes. I have a 3.9677 gpa, I am on the varsity for track and cross country, I qualify for state every year, I am ranked 6th in my class, I have scholarship opportunities, I am healthy, and I am a hard worker... Why don't I feel proud of myself?! Why is it that the ground beneath me seems to crumble? It's like I walk everyday worried that it's going to give out and that I am going to fail. I am not confident any more, I'm more like the kid that hides in the corner waiting for all the bad to happen.
Where did it all go? Why did it all have to change? How can the world go from SO amazing... to completely horrifying?...
Everywhere I go people are tearing me down. They are putting me in stereotypes, and telling me what I HAVE to do with my life. They are telling me I am wrong. They are telling me what I think is wrong. They are always arguing with me, and finding ways to ruin what I begin to think I have going for me. They are the reason the ground beneath me seems like its going to break at any minute.
Why would anyone want to make me feel this way? Why do people purposely push aside someones thoughts and dreams, and criticize them? I don't understand. I wish I had a best friend to talk to that didn't act like my ideas were stupid. I wish I had someone that listened.... ACTUALLY LISTENED! Not sitting there thinking of ways to tell me what I should do, how I should feel, and why I am wrong. I want someone to help pick me back up. I want someone to WANT to come watch me race, and I want someone to be excited for me when I call and tell them that I made the honors committee. I want someone to really care about me!
I can't even tell you how many soccer games I have been too, or how many talent shows I went and watched. I went and supported my cousins getting homecoming king and queen, I wore A FUCKING DRESS to my sisters wedding, I offer my sister 500 dollars so she could go to Italy for spring break, and I tell my step dad who hates my guts that its super cool he got a raise. When is it my turn to get a thank you? When will someone come support me? When will someone act proud of me? I had to tape my own report card... that has all A's onto the fridge...
I just want a little love in return... But I never get it. I try so hard, but its hard to do when no one wants to help share the glory with you. Why is it always me who gets over looked?

The best cup of hot chocolate I have ever had.

Lets rewind a little bit to October 28. Day number two of Brian and I being together. He had asked me out in my family's haunted house while we were scaring people, and the next day he volunteered again. He got in the car with one of those really fancy coffee cups. Like the ones made of like plastic and metal that you put your coffee in like when you go places so it wont spill, and he hands it to me. I thought I was like holding it for him or something, and for a split second I was thinking, Oh my gosh, this relationship is not going to be like this. I am not making you sandwiches, I am not cleaning up your crap, and I'm definately not going to hold YOUR coffee for you. Then he said something along the lines of, "That's hot chocolate, and I got it for you." Yeah, that stopped those thoughts right in their tracks. I know I am quick to assume, but I heard people always say "Never settle for less then what you deserve." So, I spend a good while thinking about him and how he made me hot chocolate, and back then he didn't know how much I LOVE hot chocolate. I felt pretty guilty to drink it though I'm going to have to admit. I thought those rude thoughts about him, I want quick to judge him, and he ended up being like the biggest sweet heart ever.
So after a while of sitting in the warming tent which was more like a huge building, he kept repeating drink it! I got it for you, drink it! I felt pretty guilty for not drinking it, but I also felt like I didnt deserve it. Finally I did drink it because I didn't want to make him feel bad, and it turned out to be the best cup of hot chocolate I have ever have. I asked him how he made it and he just kinda shrugged it off. He told me that he makes it like he always does. So I came up with two conclusions, either Brian makes the best hot chocolate in the world, or it was the thought that he made it for me without me even asking him to that made it taste so good. I don't know, but since then I have been trying different types of hot chocolate and I just can't seem to find one that tastes as amazing as that one did.
So moral of today's post... You know you have found the perfect guy when:

• He gets, makes, or buys you something that you LOVE and he didn't even know you loved it.


• He brings out the better in you.


• He doesnt treat you like a sandwhich making, Cinderella who holds his coffee for him.


• and if he makes extremely good hot chocolate.

Snow on a funeral.

It snowed today. It wasn't tiny snow flakes either, it was thick snow flakes. These kind of snowflakes fall slowly and seem like they are in no hurry to get anywhere.
Why am I talking about snowflakes? Well, my dad loved the snow. It snowed on his funeral day. When it snows as beautiful as it did today, I feel like my dad is around. I really miss him. I feel like the world has robbed me. I'm never going to be the same again. I act like im okay but even now... years later... I'm hurting. Like I get so ANGRY when I see people with their dads. I smile and tell people there lucky, but really I'm so mad inside. What did I do so bad that made the universe pick MY DAD to take away? There are a bunch of kids out there who hate their dad's guts and they still have theirs.
I really honestly sit and wonder if I am the daughter my dad hoped that I would be. I know I'm probably not. I even dissappoint myself. I get SO angry with myself because of who I have turned into these past years since he passed. I used to care about EVERYONE so much, but now I just don't give a damn. I push people away too. I hold on strong to like my boyfriends, but everyone else I push right away. I don't want best girl friends to hang out with. I think its mostly because everyone just makes me SO MAD! I used to not be like this. I don't know. I am so dissappointed in myself. My dad would be dissappointed too.
I think about ending it all alot. Like... What would the world need me for anyways? It is doing fine without someone as AMAZING as my dad, what would it need little old me for? I don't need see the point in everything sometimes.
No one go leaving a bunch of religous comments or I'll be pissed. I don't want to hear what you believe... I DONT CARE! Every religion just doesn't make sense. There is not one religion that seems right. I don't care the argument.
I'm so UNHAPPY all the time! I day dream that I am going to travel the world and do a bunch of humanitarian work. I imagine someday posting pictures of me taking care of not only humans but animals too. I dream of learning to speak other languages and experience different cultures. I picture never having kids and living the wild life. I picture drinking hot chocolate every morning because it's like happiness in a cup. I imagine having a house that literally has no furniture in it and its a piece of crap, not because I am poor but because money wont buy me happiness. Plus, I'll be traveling too much to need any of that anyways. Then, Reality hits me like... the tractor bucket that squished my dad.... I'm probably just going to end up getting pregnant by some ass hole who ends up leaving me. I'll probably get stuck at a job that only pays minimum wage. I'll probably join some bull shit religion that tells women all they are good for is having kids, making sandwiches, and pleasuring men. I'll probably waste my time reading novels about love that I will never have. I'll probably end up fat with kids that are spoiled rotten. I'll end up working myself to death and having no impact on the world at all. I know I'm going to be this HUGE dissappointment.
I wish I had a dad hear to listen to everything and encourage me to do my best. It's just messed up to me. I wish he was here to put his hand on my shoulder like he used to and tell me good job.
Everytime I end up feeling like this the memory of him in my mind pops up of him saying "Kacee, don't cry I would never leave you..."

Sorry for the negativity.

Six Pack (content may leave you upset because you never knew this side of me.)

I recently got addicted to pinterest on the computer. (It's pretty much what I have been doing lately instead of sleeping... yes these bags under my eyes are intentional.) I was looking through the fitness category and felt myself feeling... well... quite shitty. This stuff is unreal! Now let me share something with you my fellow bloggers, I have this problem right.... It's called my pouch... My sister quite often asks how my baby kangaroo is doing... Okay its fat on my lower stomach. yeah yeah sure all girls have it. We need it to have kids and crap. Well if I even decide to have kids.... THAT THING IS GOING TO BE COMFY INSIDE ME CAUSE I HAVE GOT A LOT OF CUSHION! I've been self conscious about it since before I can remember. I currently own over 21 sweat shirts designed specifically to hide this thing. My secret new years resolution is to get rid of this thing, BUT IT WONT GO AWAY! Now I run and work this thing out quite often, and never has it gone down at all.
It's like a zit that wont go away. I run five days a week, and work out my abs after I run. It's my biggest enemy... I look at these pictures of these girls and I am over whelmed with JEALOUSY! I'm going to be honest THESE GIRLS MAKE ME WANNA STARVE MYSELF!

Look at this chicks stomach! COME ON! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH THAT! She had to have been abducted by aliens and experimented on until she was perfect.

Oh yeah and this beach this chick is running by yeah that's my freaking back yard! PSH! I live in the freaking freezer of the United States ladies and gentlemen. I run on the freaking treadmill when its forty below. Where ever this is, buy me a plane ticket I'm heading there.

Oh yeah and my boyfriend... He lifts me up like this all the time! Yeah I don't worry if he is going to drop be or anything. Not a problem for me. This is real ladies and gentlemen.... Oh yeah I have a pet pig also that can fly!

Oh yeah and my butt! it looks like this. Yup. Nice and firm and tight. in fact the guy that took this picture just photo shopped my butt onto this anorexic chicks legs....

Yeah these abs. I have them too! All those miles i run every weak, and that not drinking caffeine or carbonation for almost four years... yup It led me to abs like these.

I mean what do these photographers do? Travel the world looking for the girl with a goddess body and then take pictures of her from different angles so that we think its a different chick. I mean where are the heads on most of these girls anyways!?!?! I MEAN I DON'T BLAME THEM IF I HAD THAT HORRIFYING BODY I WOULD HIDE MY FACE TOO! :(

Oh yeah also I'm a MMA chick fighter girl. That handful of gummy bears I just ate? Yeah don't worry about it. I'll just call my personal trainer tomorrow and he will help me work at off... Hey at least this girl isn't showing off her six pack.

Oh yeah I have a pole in my kitchen too that I work out on all the time...

Forget running and all this crap just give me some steroids like this chick... She knows how to really get things done.... she isn't measuring to see how many inches she lost... shes measuring to see how much fake muscles she gained...

HOLEY CRAP! How dare she put a picture like this on the Internet! WHAT A FATTY! Goll.... Malibu barbie needs to watch what she eats... shes really pushing it. Better go grab the tooth brush and get rid of that.... SKIN! WHAT A DISGRACE TO WOMEN!

Where are her stretch marks?! I have had my face three centimeters from the screen and i see none... WHAT THE HECK!

Majority of girls boobs are made up of fat. This girl doesn't have an ounce of fat on her body.... Those boobs are bound to be fake ....

I drink water! ALL THE TIME! I live off of it I HAVEN'T HAD CAFFEINE OR CARBONATION FOR FOUR YEARS WHERE IS MY STOMACH LIKE THAT?!

oh yeah I stretch like this before I run all the time. (THIS IS INSANE!!!!....(stands up and trys it...)

forget all the boob jobs, that starving myself, and all that crap. I'm going for the steroids like Helga over here. She knows where the money is at. SEE YOU AT THE OLYMPICS HELGA! I know... I know... Kacee you're being quite ridiculous... But seriously I needed to complain to some one other then poor Brian. He can only say "You don't need to be perfect, just perfect for me" so many times. I work out A LOT! but it just seems like I don't get anywhere. I'm sick of hiding my "kangaroo pouch" as my sister calls it. What happened to sexy being the girls with a little meat on them? I bet when my mom was growing up fitness wasn't the girl with the six pack and super buff arms...
Well thanks for listening to me rant...

That's all folks!

Great Way to Start the New Year!!!

On New Years I managed to get my family to allow Brian over. My whole night lit up when I saw his silver mustang pull up in my aunt and unlce's drive way. We ate and then sat on the couch. I'm gonna admit. I felt pretty loved. When Brian is around I feel like he gives me all his attention, but not in a creepy way. ANYWAYS! I saw a different side of him that night. Maybe not a different side, It's probably there all the time, but I just recognized it. Brian didn't expect me to get him a plate of food, and he didn't expect me to clean up after him. Infact, he even offered to get me some dessert. I know that some of you are thinking okay so what?! But to me that is a HUGE deal. There is nothing worse then a guy who thinks that his girlfriend is just supposed to serve him. Nothing pisses me off more. That one thing he did that was so small made my New Years start out awesome!
After dinner my family asked him if he wanted to play cards. He looked at me with this look... It was a can I go? type look. SO CUTE! I wasn't feeling very well so I told him to go play. While he played cards I got a blanket and laid on the couch. In truth, I felt like CRAP! I got a cut on my nose then I got a cold so it was all gross and infected. (yes I did put stuff on it to get rid of it.) Anyways after he played cards he came and laid on the couch with me even though he was full aware of my cold and gross nose. I had a bacteria breeding ground on my nose and he still kept calling me pretty.
The couch we were laying on was super small... He is like six foot two and I am like five eleven and still somehow he could fit on it. Mainly because he had his arm around my wasite holding me on the couch. It was the little things that night that were just AHHHHHH! Like when I turned to look up at him and he is already looking at me with a cute grin on his face, when we are holding hands and he slides his thumb slowly back and forth, and when he goes to tickly my sides and i flinch because i get self concious and he tells me I have nothing to worry about because he likes my body. ALL IN A NON CREEPY WAY!
It was time to go outside for firework and I was pretty msierable. I was sick and it was fourty two BELOW outside. We got out jackets and he handed me a hand warmer. We got outside by the fire with a banket wrapped around us, then all the sudden he hugs me SUPER tight. I said, "Are you cold?" and he said, "No I just wanted to hug you."
Then all the sudden my aunt yells, "ITS MIDNIGHT!" He looked at me and kissed me. I was not worried whether or not my family was looking, I wasn't worried if my infected nose grossed him out, I wasnt worried about how sick I was and I wasnt worried about the cold. I was SO HAPPY! I kept thinking over and over what a great way to start the new year... Then a couple minutes later he kissed me again when a firework went off right above us. (That has been a goal that I wanted to check off on a list I made to do before I turned 18.)
BEST NEW YEARS EVER! ... No best boyfriend ever!