It's not fair.

I am fifteen years old and I'm fatherless. After my dad died I got nothing! His wife got it all. They were only married a couple months! I deserve more then just his old t-shirt and a tractor THAT WAS ALREADY MINE! Sure she lost her husband, but I lost my dad! Okay! He wont get to be there for me on my first date, or prom. He wont get to walk me down the aisle, or give me a daddy daughter dance. I wont get any of that! After all she did complain about him using drugs. They weren't THAT happy.
I emailed and emailed her and asked her and asked her, and she wont give me anything. I bit my tongue the day before his funeral when she said, "I need ALL of your dad here with me, but when you guys turn eighteen I'll send you a locket with his ashes in it." No. We needed him too. Ashley is eighteen. She needs to stop being selfish, and if private emails wont get her to budge then I'll post it on her wall every day until someone tells her to give them to me. Then if that doesn't work when I am of age she will find herself a big law suit.

Leaving you.

Why did I have to go,
and leave you behind?
I knew from the beginning,
you're one of a kind.
I thought leaving you would be easy
but I guess I was wrong.
I'm tired and I'm hurting,
and the distance is too long.
I know you're not gone forever
and I know you're still mine.
But what do I do when I'm lonely,
and hurting all the time?
I hope the time that I am gone,
I'll still be in your heart.
'Cause I don't know what I'd do
if our love fell apart.
Before I go to bed at night
I get on my knees and pray,
That another girl wont come
and take my love away.

Being sick.

Well I ended up going to school today. Katie watched Chase today and I went to school kinda. I got in third hour and was dying of heat but shivering really bad. So, I went and grabbed my jacket. The next class came and I found myself really sick. I was shaking so bad. Then, all the sudden I got hot and started gagging. I told the teacher I was going to throw up and went to the bathroom. I didn't want to go to class and be stared at for running ou of the room like a freak so I stayed there for a while. I took off my sweat shirt rolled it into a ball and took a nap. I woke up shaking worse and decided to just see if I can go home. I told my teacher and she had a girl escourt me to the nurses office. The whole way there I was shaking so bad. The nurse had me lay down and I fell asleep. I woke up to my name being called on the intercom. Ashley came and picked me up. I slept at her house then Aunt Hailey picked me up for the doctors. I have strep.
I will have to stay home tomorrow to watch Chase. So, I'll probably be doing homwork all day tomorrow. Hopefully, Randy will text me tomorrow. I'll be super bored. I hate being sick cause all I want to do is be up and doing things now laying down feeling sorry for myself. But, When I do get up and do things I make myself more sick.

I miss Randy. I want him around all the time. I miss having him in my last class everyday knowing I had something to look forward to. You know? I miss talking to him on the phone til three in the morning and texting all the time. I miss hanging out with him. I miss his hugs and when he held my hands. I miss when he'd get that glow to him... Like walking next to me is a pleasure. I miss the smile he smiles when he thinks I'm not looking. I miss him dancing goofy and being just the sweetest boyfriend ever.
I miss Randy. :'(

Missing Monday.

I was sitting on the couch this morning feeling good because I felt like I was finally getting caught up on all my school work. All the sudden my phone rings and it's my mom. She is in Utah right now and comes back on Wednesday... Me, and Katie have to miss a day of school to watch him til my mom gets back... I started crying. What the heck! I can't miss a freaking day of school. I can barley keep caught up as it is. I am so mad. What am I supposed to do? I already do homework til eleven at night.
Then my mom says, "Well we will call the councilers so you can stay after school to get caught up." I CANT'T STAY AFTER SCHOOL I HAVE FREAKING CROSS COUNTRY! UGh. I freaking hate Eilson it's the dumbest school ever.

New School....

Hey Everyone.
I started school on Monday and Ben eilson senior high school on the eilson airforce base. Different? Yeah... Alot different. It's such a hard school. I got more homework my first day of school then my entire freshman year in Utah ON THE FIRST DAY! Isn't that rediculous? Gah.
Then, the days switch. day one the period's go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 day two goes 2, 3, 1, 4, 5, 6... they change every day... I am always so lost! I went in and sat in my English class when I was supposed to be in biology... It's so confusing.
Then, I was at my sister Ashleys house doing my homework and she looked and my homework and said, "Wow. I just did this last semester..." (She is in college...) That just proves how hard this school is... I guess I'll never finish my goal of graduating with a 4.0 gpa.
On the first day of school everyone was SUPER nice to me. It was scary cause our school is known as the lesbian school... so when the girls talked to me I just wanted to run away... Then, day number two was even weirder... People just stare and stare AND STARE! Honestly what is there problems? What they've never seen a freakishly tall girl before? I purposly sit in the back of the classes because they stare so bad... But even then they literally turn around and just stare. Like in the hallway there was a group of guys and they all just stared... ??? Then, I was getting off cross country practice and I was walking into the school and a bunch of football players were walking ahead of me and they turned around and whispered to one guy who wasnt paying attention and then he turned around and stared... ??? WHAT DID I DO!? I have guys coming up to me saying "Hey Kacee" That I have never seen before. Maybe, I am just paranoid.
I don't feel like I can become friends with anyone at this school. They aren't like me. They're all just dark and different. You know how sometimes in a new place you can kinda tell who you would be friends with? Well... I don't feel any of that.
Living conditions for me? No bueno. I live between my aunt and my grandma and it's hard. I feel like I have to ask just to go to the bathroom. I dont know where I should put my back pack or my dirty clothes. It's just hard. Living in a two bedroom house with nine people. I don't know how people can do it.
Also, some very imporatant cousins of mine do drugs, and that bugs me. I wonder how I can help them out without having them hate me... GRRR...
I can't help but have a bad attitude about everything...

3 days...

3 days til I leave for Alaska. Then, I'm gone. For good. I've never felt so hated in my entire life...

Maybe, I'm just destined to not have a father.