Once again i fail

I used to be a super positive person. I used to love helping people out and cheering them up. I used to love school, and enjoyed the challenge of homework and competing in sports, but that has all changed. Since my dad died i am a completely different person. Not one he would probably he proud of either. He would probably look at me today and say, "what the hell happenes to my little girl?" I cant handle all this stress anymore! Im so burnt out, and I am learning that the reason why is because i don't have a reason to fight anymore. I stress out because i do care, but i always fail at everything I do. Today at three in the afternoon i sat down super excited to write and essay and impress my history teacher. Now i sit here at almost eleven at night frustrated because there is no possible way to write about the assignment i was given. Not to mention the computer kept over heating, my email i saved it to stopped working, and i couldnt find anything on the assignment i was given. Nothing is going right. I am crying right now because i just spent eight hours on an essay but still have nothing to show for it. My mom caught me crying and told me to go to bed that it wasnt worth it. It is worth it to me. I am the type of person who tries my hardest is everything i do, i cant just stop. Its so annoying. I have never not turned something in and the only assignments in high school so far that have been late, i turned them in only a day late.
Im so fed up with this crap. I need a huge pick me up. A reason to want to try again. I need a reason to care.
I want all these things but for some reason i keep getting shoved back down..

I WANT a therapist

I think I need a therapist or something. Seriously, this is getting freaking ridiculous! Guess what I did today? I havent taken school pictures yet. I avoided school pictures by hiding in my English teachers closet, and then today was retakes. A teacher came up to me and said that they needed my picture, and I said I didn't want it taken. She explained to me that they need it for the year book and I said that is exactly why. So, we went to the teacher who makes the year book and told him that I didnt want that picture in the year book. Then she asked if I would take the picture for security purposes and I said no. I asked the teacher why they couldnt just take my picture from last year, and she said they want a more updated one. I said I looked exactly the same. She said well lets take one anyways okay? and I said well that pisses me off... and started heading towards the camera and she said Kacee dont worry about taking your picture okay?

I don't know why I dont want to take school pictures. I jsut don't like the idea of them. Why would we want to sit in a pose and take a picture like that? There is no emotion in the picture, there is no story behind it... its just a picture... Why dont they put pictures of us when we are doing things we want to do and are happy? I mean can you imagine hey want to look at a book full of one of the worst four years of my life?! yay...

I also threw a fit in English today... Why the heck are we learning about writers who write about things that have nothing to do with today? It's so dumb. It's going to be forgotten soon anyways. I used to love school, and now I have never hated it so much in my entire freaking life!

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown

I'm not hurting over Chris as much anymore. I just thought that saying was kinda funny because that is how I felt when he told me that "we can still be friends". I guess everyone deserves a little update on him. Lets see, as far as I know he said he wanted me back and was being all butt hurt over me for a while, but then a friend of mine that got the chance to talk to him found out that he has been skyping some chick from Indiana and they plan to get together and date... I kinda laugh that he is focusing on a girl from another state, but what ever. I wish people would stop talking about him around me. It makes life a little bit more easier.

Life has been kinda interesting for me latley. I forgot how time comsuming being single was lol. There are two guys who are friends and I hung out with them and now they both like me. In a way they are fighting for me and its frustrating because they both ask me to hang out at the same times. I always say no to both of them. I feel like I keep blowing them both off, but I don't really believe in ruining friendships... Well, that and hurting their feelings. I also have been told I have a secret admirer at school but before my friend could tell me I told him I didnt want to know. Which I am glad I said it takes so much more stress off me.

BOYS SUCK, AND RELATIONSHIPS SUCK MORE!

Good news! I made state cross country! I didn't think I was going to do it but I did! I passed out at regions at the finish line, but that is besides the point! After all my stupid health problems, and starting the season super late I felt extremely accomplished. I didnt have an awesome time or anything, but who cares. I did it! Needless to say, I think I am addicted to running. When I dont run I feel extremely crappy and sick. Today I had the worst head ache ever and I took a six mile run and after my head ache went away for good for the rest of the night... AND I took nine minutes off my six mile time from the last time I ran six miles. WOOH!

I think I will take your advice on setting a goal for myself to accomplish. I think I have decided to start training for a half marathon. Its not for sure yet, but I have been wanting to for a while, and I need a way to stay in shape for the winter.

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it just means you are strong enough to let go." - Author Unknown...

I like this quote because it pretty much states how I feel about a lot of things right now.

The Empty Picture Frame written by me

No one seems to notice that empty picture frame,
the one that taunts me every day, its driving me insane.
They glance right over it as if its waiting to be filled,
but the person who filled that picture frame, was instantly killed.
Everyone seems to forget, that or they just don't care
they don't bother to ask about the picture that was there.
Instead they assume it doesnt matter, and walk right by
forgetting the man who left, letting his memory die.
Its more then just a empty frame, its a reminer you see
for when he left this life, he also took a part of me.
Everyday when you ignore the hidden picture within the empty frame
you ignore an enitre life's worth memories that will never be the same.

Pretending to be me.

It's just a smile trust me, its not what it means.
Its not controlling what im feeling, its not what it seems.
It's simply just a cover up to hide the pain each day,
to prove to the world that im strong, to show them im okay.
I realize showing them my true self isnt what they want to see
instead they want the fake happy girl that pretends to be me.

I'm sorry.

I haven't posted in a while. I have been aruging with myself about writing in journals, on blogs, making poems, drawing... all of it. I've been asking myself over and over again why I do it. Why do we do it? Once we die we are all going to be forgotten and none of it is going to matter anymore. None of us are as important as George Washington or as horrible as Hitler. Why are we wasting our time making blogs that no one is going to read. Why do I write in journals when there is no one there that even cares to listen to me anyways?
If I try to talk to people about what's going on, no one understands. I just get lectured about how I need to change myself, and how miserable im going to be if I don't blend in. I try so hard to get the people in my life that matter to me to understand me and love me for me, but they don't care.
Sometimes I feel like my family loves me cause they have to. Guys only want me cause they need someone to make out with. The girls at my school only want someone to sit with at lunch cause there new.
I don't see a purpose anymore. I don't see a reason to fight. I want my dad alive again. Now my grandpa is fading fast and my mom will have to go through what I go through every day... except for there is one difference... her dad got to live to watch her grow up, and she had him there.
"As soon as the dirt is hitting the casket, it will all be forgotten."
-Eric Bogosian