I did it.

I quit track this morning. I thought I wouldnt be able to but I did. I thought I would feel bad about it, but I don't I feel like I'm starting to finally try to figure all this stress stuff out.
I also got an award of participation for it. baha. yay

Changes

I've been doing alot of thinking about life lately and I've decided that I need to adjust my life so that I am happy with it. I have been thinking long and hard and I have decided that I am going to do alot of things differently.
1.) I'm going to quit my job in the cafe. It's not a bad job, but it's kinda a waste of my time. I work SO HARD and only get paid minimum wage. I need to find a job that I enjoy going to. Plus, during the school year it's a pain when I have homework that needs done and I have to go to work instead.
2.) I'm going to quit the track team. I just can't do it. My body keeps having weird things happen to it. My hips last year, my passing out, my liver and kidney failing (some weird muscle disease), and now my bone is bruised on my foot. I think something is telling me that I should just not do it. Running is supposed to be my stress relief, therefore that's what it is going to be from now on.
3.) I'm going to buy myself an expensive and nice camera. I have always wanted to be artistic and I have always loved to take pictures. I need a fun hobby. Also, next year I am going to take a photography class so that I can learn to properly use it. (Oh the wonders of going to a technical school.)
4.) I'm going to party it up at boy scouts camp this summer. I got the job again, and I plan to make the best of it. I want to take pictures by the lake, go running on the trails, learn to carve wood with a knife and learn all the boy scout knots.
5.) I'm going to earn enough money this summer that I don't have to pay car insurance all year. This will alow me to not have a job during school so that I can focus of school and friends.
6.) I am going to determine if going into the health field is for me or not. I keep bouncing. I want to be in the health field, work on cars, weld and this sounds weird but I have always wanted to work in a zoo. Lol.
7.) I am going to lift more weights. I just want to be healthy and my body wont let me run so I might as well try to lift weights.
8.) I am going to work on relationships between my friends, boyfriend and family.
9.) I want to try new things and be open to new things.

Please hope that I can do all of these. I need to figure this whole depression thing out.

People Issues

I guess lately you can say that I have been doing a lot better trying to socialize with people, but I'm starting to learn that maybe sometimes being secluded from the world isn't such a bad thing after all. I'm learning that people are always searching for the bad in each other. They always measure each other up and try to find flaws. I have not heard one person say one nice thing about someone else, and that just irritates me very badly. No wonder suicide rates just keep going up, it's because the entire human race is just a bunch of ass holes. 

I'm not saying that people have said bad things about me because they haven't. (At least from what I have heard) But I'm just so sick of every one being so rude to each other, and expecting the worst out of each other.

Interesting Summer Already

So, I was on a date with Brian the other day, and we were sitting in his car. We were just about to get out to walk into the movies when my phone started ringing. I looked at my phone and it was from a number that I didn't recognize. Normally I don't answer phone calls to numbers that I didn't know, but I did for some odd reason. It was my former employer from working with the boy scouts. He asked me if I planned on working with them this summer. He said that he thinks that I am good at what I do and that he would really like to have me back this year. I didn't plan on doing it again. I didn't want to get stuck spending an entire month out of the year with my ex boyfriend at camp. It just didn't sound like fun, but I told him that I would like the job. I have this issue where I can't say no to my employers because they pay me money.
So, I have spent a long time thinking about camp and I decided that it doesn't have to completely suck! I mean I could make it fun. If I just relax a little this year and plan well ahead when my classes start I could have a extremely fun time. So, I started to get super excited to go when I then got a text from my ex boyfriend. He said we should forget everything that happened in the past. (Which made me laugh at his text because HE is the one that has been pestering ME since HE broke up with ME.I thought it was funny that he felt the need to say that to me since he was the one that just kept coming back.) So, I don't know how this summer is going to go. I really need to sit Brian down and see how he really feels about me going to camp where my ex boyfriend will be. I don't want him to have to worry you know? He knows I would never cheat on him, but there is still room to worry.
On another bright side, I'll be closer to Brian at camp then I will be where I live since we live so far away. The camp is right by his house, so maybe on weekends when I am heading back to town I can drop by and say hi to him. Which will be awesome. :D
I just hope that I get the exact same job. If THEY call ME and ask me to work for them does that mean I already have the job? If I am them if I am applying for the same position does that mean they will give it to me? I sure hope I get the same position just because it's a manager position and I feel that I can do a better job this summer.
I don't know. I think WAY too much. I just hope that I can have a fun summer to make up for such a shitty year.

Issues with Facebook Pictures

Today I am so sore! My mom and I are going to call my doctor and see about getting a blood test just to make sure I'm not going to go into what I had.
ANYWAYS...
I would just like to point out that people who listen to their head phones super loud are completely defeating the purpose of what head phones are for. I mean honestly if I can head the music that is being put directly into THEIR ears we have a problem. I just feel bad because all these students will be deaf by the time they are thirty. Sad day.
Also, Face book pictures sometimes drive me crazy.
 If you're going to take a picture of yourself in your bathroom or bedroom at least make an effort to make it look clean. Also whats the point of uploading one hundred of that same pictures on your face book? Most of them look almost exactly the same. Just because your looking a different direction in the picture doesn't mean that you should upload both of them.
Also girls, that thing you do with your lips in all your pictures... ITS NOT CUTE! It looks like you have something sour in your mouth, and no you don't look sexy you look like a freaking duck. You know what else? The pictures of you guys in your sports bras is unnecessary. Your friends know if you work out or not. You're fake athletic picture isn't fooling any body.
Guys, if you don't have abs please don't upload pictures of you without your shirt on, and if you do have abs it just makes you look cocky and desperate. Keep your shirts on. Also, what the heck is up with you guys taking pictures of you shoving your hands down your pants? That's not attractive. It's gross. Why would you even think something like that was something other people would want to see? I don't understand especially when it's low enough that we can see your pubic hairs. I'm so grossed out I don't even know what to say about that.
Couples, man you guys sure are cute, but all the make out pictures are just disgusting. The world doesn't need to see you guys making out. Haven't you ever head the phrase "Get a room?"

Bleh.

I'm sitting in my English class right now. I finished what I needed to get done. I sometimes laugh at myself because I am by far the biggest nerd in this school. I do homework during lunch, I got above and beyond what is expected of me, and I care way too much about the small things. If I didn't do my hair and make up you would put me in the typical nerd stereotype. My cousin Payton and I were having a sleep over one time and I got ready for bed. I took out my contacts and put my glasses on, brushed my teeth and put my retainers in, washed my face and put medicine on my face to prevent any acne, and then I sat down next to her and pulled out a book I was reading. She turned and looked at me and busted up laughing. She told me that I am super gorgeous but I just use that to hide how big of a nerd I am. It's kinda funny I guess if you think about it, but just sitting here being done while everyone else is goofing around on the Internet made me think about it.
I'm scared for track today. Instantly after I stopped running yesterday my legs went into ache mode. I don't want to ruin my help.
Wish me luck. 

Nothing right. Everything wrong.

I went to practice today for the first time since my health scare. I'm kinda depressed right now. I suck. I'm so slow and my legs just burn all the time. My doctors, family, and coaches are all telling me to take it slow. Running isn't exactly a slow sport. I'm frustrated. It seems like nothing comes easy for me.
Running is my get away! I need running to be keep myself sane. I just hope I'll be able to over come this. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have always thought of myself as the tough one, but I am realizing lately that I am a whole lot more dependent then I thought I was.

Teenagers are the most misunderstood people. We're expected to act like adults, but we're treated like kids.

I can't wait to graduate from high school, get a steady job, and live on my own. I'm sick of this crap. My step dad just accused me and my sister of breaking the computer charger. Just because we're teenagers doesn't mean were going to walk around destroying everything in our path. My sister and I are damn good kids, and he is lucky he got stuck with us and not some pot heads or worse. This is ridiculous. A man who demands respect from everyone else can't even give it. 



Freaky story number two

A man went to a hotel and walked up to the front desk to check in. The woman at the desk gave him his key and told him that on the way to his room, there was a door with no number that was locked and no one was allowed in there. Especially no one should look inside the room, under any circumstances. So he followed the instructions of the woman at the front desk, going straight to his room, and going to bed.

The next night his curiosity would not leave him alone about the room with no number on the door. He walked down the hall to the door and tried the handle. Sure enough it was locked. He bent down and looked through the wide keyhole. Cold air passed through it, chilling his eye. What he saw was a hotel bedroom, like his, and in the corner was a woman whose skin was completely white. She was leaning her head against the wall, facing away from the door. He stared in confusion for a while. He almost knocked on the door, out of curiosity, but decided not to.

This disinclination saved his life. He crept away from the door and walked back to his room. The next day, he returned to the door and looked through the wide keyhole. This time, all he saw was redness. He couldn't make anything out besides a distinct red color, unmoving. Perhaps the inhabitants of the room knew he was spying the night before, and had blocked the keyhole with something red.

At this point he decided to consult the woman at the front desk for more information. She sighed and said, "Did you look through the keyhole?" The man told her that he had and she said, "Well, I might as well tell you the story. A long time ago, a man murdered his wife in that room, and her ghost haunts it. But these people were not ordinary. They were white all over, except for their eyes, which were red

Humans Can Lick Too.... best scary story ever

The parents told the girl to lock all the windows and doors after they had left. But there was one window in the basement that would not close completely.
Trying as best as she could she finally got the window shut, but it would not lock. So she left the window, and went back upstairs. But just to make sure that no one could get in, she put the dead-bolt lock on the basment door.
Then she sat down had some dinner, fed her dog and decided to go to sleep for the night. Settling down, she snuggled up in bed. Her dog slept underneath her bed. She reached her hand down and let her dog lick it as she said goodnight.
But during the night, she woke up with a start. The girl lay there wondering what had woken her, when suddenly she heard a noise. It was a dripping sound and seemed to be coming from the bathroom. She must have left the water running, and now it was dripping into the drain of her sink. So thinking it was no big deal she decided to go back to sleep.
But she felt nervous so she reached her hand over the edge of her bed, and let the dog lick her hand for reasurance that he would protect her. Again at about 3:45 she woke up hearing drippping. Again she reached down and let the dog lick her hand. Then she fell back to sleep.
At 6:52 the girl decided that she had had enough…she got up just in time to see her parents were pulling up to the house. “Good”, she thought. “Now somebody can fix the sink…’cause I know I didn’t leave it running.”
She walked to the bathroom and there was the collie dog, skinned and hung up on the curtain rod. The noise she heard was its blood dripping into a puddle on the floor. The girl screamed and ran to her bedroom to get a weapon, in case someone was still in the house…..and there on the floor, next to her bed she saw a small note, written in blood, saying: “HUMANS CAN LICK TOO”.

IF I had a best girl friend, what I would tell her.

I'm trying to heal. I really am. I want to feel better. I mention in my last post about wanting to have someone to talk to, and I feel like talking really does do a lot of healing...
There is only one problem, I have no one to talk to. I mean sure I am surrounded by my sisters, mom, super amazing boyfriend, cousins, aunts and uncles, but I still feel like I have no one to talk to.
I wish I had a good girlfriend to talk to, but I am just so awkward and shy. I feel like me having friends is completely impossible. I keep thinking one day someone will just walk up to me and just be my friend you know? But sadly this isn't a perfect world therefore I am stuck writing in a blog to perfect strangers hoping that someone out there in the world will understand what I am going though.
So IF I did have a best friend that was a girl, what would I tell her exactly you might ask? Well, I'd tell her about my new personal discovery. I would tell her that when dad died I built this bullet proof wall around myself. When dad was alive he was here to protect me, but he isn't now. I have to defend myself. I got this crazy idea that all guys are out there to destroy my hopes, my dreams and my life.
I know, I know, this whole idea is completely crazy. I KNOW! BUT! Death can do some crazy things to a person.
Dad isn't here to help me pick out the right guy. He isn't here to warn me, and he isn't here to threaten me. My super hero is dead. So, I put on my big girl panties and forced myself to grow up. Boys = Bad.
Boys are determined to break my heart. They have the muscles to abuse me both mentally and physically even though it is wrong. They can't keep it in their pants, so that could lead to me getting pregnant. They assume girls take care of the kids. (WRONG!) They assume girls will never be as successful as them and so on and so forth. (I'm not saying you guys actually believe this, but this is just what I accidentally stamped into my brain when dad left me to fend for myself.)
I hid from guys for the longest time. I BECAME the guy. I mean think about it. I hate dresses. I hate skirts. I hate everything girly. I hate drama. I love working outside. I love fixing things. I'm a kick ass welder.
You guys... I'm wrong. I realize this but Brian makes it all better. When he is around there is no girl guy competition. There is no I hate my life. There is no I hate being a girl. There is not nearly enough moodiness. When he is around I am no longer numb. I am not sad. Brian is like healing me. I spent all this time believing I don't need a guy when all along Brian has been helping me so much!
Please be easy on the comments! This is a HUGE step for me. It's taken me a lot to get this far. To admit I do need a guy in my life, but with Brian I don't feel like he is determined to ruin it.
So... Dear Future best friend where ever you may be,
Please find me soon. I need someone to talk to.
Sincerely,
me

For a poem that relates to this post please see my poem dedicated blog and follow:

http://writetobeunderstoodspeaktobeheard.blogspot.com/

Religion, something to believe in...

I used to be Mormon. That was my religion. I used to read my scriptures and go to church. I used to, but I don't now. I just took thirty minutes thinking about what happened to all my faith, and then I suddenly realized it all happened when my dad passed. I always thought if something bad were to happen to me, the church would be there for me, but all they did was give me a bracelet. They didn't really reach out to me. All they said was go back to church, and come to young woman's. I was suffering the death of my dad and they wanted me to go pretend I was happy? I mean never once did a leader or even a friend come by my house and ask what was my dad like. They never once sat me down and asked me how I was doing.
How am I supposed to want to go sit next to people every Sunday that don't even care about me? I'm not just saying this about Mormons either. I'm saying this about every religion. How can people dedicate themselves to becoming more like God, yet they fail to reach out to those who are really in need? In fact, they tore me down. I had some people tell me that because my dad did not go to church every Sunday that he was rotting in Hell. Then when I did try to go back everyone stared at me and asked me why I wasn't wearing a dress or a skirt like that was the most important thing they could have asked me right then.
I just wish someone would have reached out to me so that at times like right now I could say that I had something to believe in.