Does anyone ever think about Kacee?

Right now I pretty much feel stepped on by the world. I feel like through peer pressure and the influence of other people is ruining my individuality, goals, and self confidence is going down the drain. I don't know what to do. It would be nice to hear that my hard work is paying off. It would be nice to hear that I should stand up for what I believe in, and what I stand for. But no. Kacee is always getting the raw end of the deal.
So, I had a pretty freaking crappy day. Tomorrow it probably wont seem so bad, but right now it's pretty much crap and a half.
I am so behind from being sick I could just throw up even more. Then, I tried to get caught up in math and my math teacher flat out told me I may as well give up being a 4.0 student because I will never succeed. She said she is going to break that habit now and ensure I get a B. Then, she asked me what I want to go into when I get older and I said marine biologist, forensics, f.b.i., or a therapist. Then she told me I shouldn't become a therapist because I needed one for myself.
I don't know about you guys but that was pretty insulting. First of all, I have succeeded my goal so far what makes her think I can't do it now? Is it because I have blond hair or something? What that supposed to be a dumb blond joke? Cause it wasn't funny. Tearing down a students dream is NOT what she is supposed to do. Not to mention telling them they need therapy? I never did anything to her. It hurt pretty bad. What ever happened to setting high goals and achieving them?
Then, I have everyone pressuring me about all the dances coming up. It wouldn't be that bad if they weren't all formal. I hate dressing up so bad that when I think about it, it makes me sick. I feel like I have to go because I have so many people pressuring me to go. What ever happened to not giving in to peer pressure? Although it may not seem like it, everything I do is to impress everyone around me, and they never seem to be impressed. It's really annoying. Everyone always thinks about the person aside from me. Just because I look tough like I can handle it doesn't mean I can.
I'm just frustrated.
I signed up for these classes for next year:
AP U.S. history, English 11 writers honors, advanced comp., psychology, chemistry, algebra 2, health, and Spanish 3...
Now, I am not even driven to do them, all because everyone keeps tearing me down and telling me I can't fulfill my goals. They keep telling me I should rearrange them. It just all around hurts. Especially when school is the only thing I am good at.
I feel like the world is stepping all over me. Normally when that happens I just spend hours on homework, but I don't even have the confidence to do that now.

All day with Chris.

I had a fun day. I woke up and went to the declamation contest. I sucked it up and still was very proud of myself. Normally I wouldn't have done it at all, so that is a step up for me. I got to spend all day with Chris. It was great.
Then, I went to Chris's church (yeah me in a church again? haha is the world ending? lol) to baby sit kids for community service. (HAHA! THE WORLD REALLY MUST BE ENDING!) The baby sitting wasn't so great. I really hate kids. There is something about them that just makes me want to hurt them. Sure I admit sometimes there pretty dang cute, but for the most part I dislike them with great intensity.
Then, we went to Chris's house and watched a movie. After all the fighting we do through out the week I am always so glad I didn't break up with him because he makes me happy. (not when were fighting of course, but when were together.) Even when he is upset I still find him cute. I don't know why.
Now I have to go another week without seeing him. Ugh it sucks so bad. When he is around he always has his ways of calming me down. I remember one time I was worrying and freaking out about my grades and he held my face in his hands and told me it would be okay. Then, he wrapped me in a hug. I can't stay mad at him when he is right in front of me. Kinda like the time he accidentally spit in my face. It sounds gross but it was actually freaking hilarious.
So, just so the world knows, Chris is mine. :D Hands off.
He's even got some guys after him. lol.

Matt...

Just went through my emails and I got a friend request from my space from my friend Matt. Since I figured I had nothing better to do I got on my space. I haven't been on since July 7th. Jeez!
Any who I went to add him and I noticed his picture. My little friend Matt looks completely different. It's only been five months! What the heck!
Mr. Blondie is no longer blond. His hair is freaking long and black! He used to be buff and pick me up all the time... Well he must be on steroids or something... Cause he's freaking ripped.
Not only that, but he freaking changed his last name!
It guess what I am getting at is it makes me sad that all my friends are changing with out me. I miss him so much! Matt was awesome. He went and watched Eclipse with me. He held me if I ever needed to cry. He came up behind me everyday and gave me hugs. He always told me he was proud of me. He even let me fall asleep on his shoulder at lunch because the night before I was up arguing with my step dad. There are times he called me at three in the morning to make me feel better after a huge break up with Jared. Even when I was having issues with Randy he would work them out for me. Then, when Randy and I broke up he flat out told me that Randy moved on. Which at the time I was mad at him for saying, but really it helped me in the long run. He even programmed "bestfriendlovesyou" as his name in my phone. It's been the same ever since.
Not to mention he's had a crush on me since 8th grade and I've always turned him down and he never went away. Instead he stayed by my side and let me complain about the guys I like even though he liked me. Last night I got a text from him saying,
"All the girls on this planet are bitches except for you." He used to always say that.
AWE I MISS MY MATT!
Check out my side pictures for his name and picture. I just put him there. Should have been there the whole time...
I am a bitch I don't know what he is talking about.

Day 3 of having the 24 hour flu

I was told I was only going to be sick for 24 hours... What the heck?
Well now its day three, and my back is killing me from being so sore. I probably shouldn't have eaten that toaster strudel considering I can feel it flip flopping in my stomach and chances are it will be coming up any minute.
I don't care how unhealthy those things are, they are so good. I should have restrained myself from eating one of my favorite no-so breakfast items becomes once it comes back up I'll eternally hate it. Hasn't everyone wondered why I don't like chili?
Normally I would only let myself miss one day of school and tough out the other days, but my grades already suck from moving, I might as well get feeling better before I start getting serious about the whole school thing.
Plus, when I get sick it's not normal. I have OCD so even if I can't stand up, I shower everyday I am sick. Even if that means crawling into the bathroom. Which doesn't help because I scrub my skin off in the shower and do everything I can to get the germs off. I don't know if anyone has tried getting in the shower when they have the flu, but it seriously drains you. I get bored just laying here so I get up and clean, or do homework. All this moving around makes me more sick. I don't know why I do it. I know it is so bad for me, yet I do it anyways.
So, here I am sitting on the computer wasting more energy that could be used to making me feel better.

24 hour flu

Yup, you read the title. I got the 24 hour flu. It started yesterday. It sucked so bad. My ENTIRE body hurts from throwing up and all the other yucky stuff that comes with having the flu. I have a horrible migrane, and when ever I stand up I black out and want to throw up. I literally crawled to the fridge to get water cause standing up made me sick. Then I laid there and Chad came in and asked if I was dying. Lol. Its a good think I have only eaten breakfast for the past week. Kinda going on strike til I get a gym pass. No point in eating if I can't burn it off. Which I am glad I did because I didn't throw up as much as my sister did who also has it.
I stayed home today to. Which I decided was a good idea considering I still am very dizzy, sore, and I refuse to eat. Not to mention I had three tests today and no chance to study for them. I hate that when you work so hard to get what you want and things get in the way. I want good grades, and to go to the gym. Is that too much to ask? Jeeze.
Not only was I feeling like crap but I was bored out of my mind. I really wanted to talk to Chris but he must have had more important things on his mind. BUT! Chase called me! Chase is my four year old little brother who can work a cell phone better then my mom. haha. This was my conversation with my little brother who is currently living in a different house:
"Hello?"
"Are you sick Kacee?"
"Yeah, I got a belly ache."
"Awe... I'm sorry."
"Yeah little buddy I've been throwing up all over the place!"
"I'll come get you okay?"
"How you going to do that?"
"The house is all done! I'm come get you. I tried to call you, and press the green button but it didn't work!"
"Why didn't it work?"
"the green button didn't work."
Then I herd my mom in the background and I herd Chase say
"Mom I call Kacee. Can we go get her?"
Then my mom gets on the phone and says sorry she didn't even know he had her phone. I thought it was cute. It made my day. I wanted to talk to someone on the phone. My little brother made my night. He's such a cute little guy.
Guess I should go study for all the tests I missed.

Hey.

Dear Kacee,
You suck.
bye.

Me.Thinking.I.Really.Need.To.Stop.Doing.That

I know it's late. I am up worrying. I wish I could ask myself questions, and get answers. For example: Why can't I be normal? Why is that so stinking hard?
Should I go to military ball with Chris? Most girls would be flattered and excited to be able to go.
No not Kacee. Kacee gets offended that her boyfriend wants her to wear a dress. She gets upset that he thinks they look pretty on girls.
Why is that so hard for me to just take in?
Most girls dream about this for forever. They spend days picking out dressed, getting tans, finding high heels, figuring out how they are going to do their hair and make up.
Not me. I fight with my boyfriend because I don't want to go. Part of me does because I don't want to look back at high school and wish I had went like my mom does. It is Chris's senior year. His last year to do any of this. He wants to go, and I don't want to ruin this for him.
Also lets look at my previous boyfriends and our ordeals with high school dances:
Jared Terry... because my mom wouldn't let me go he went "alone".

• But really he lied and went with the girl he cheated on me with.

= breakup

Randy Fowler... because I couldn't go because I moved to another state he took one of my friends.

• We fought over it for weeks.
• He ended up having a huge crush on her... still does... 6 months later.

= yet again... breakup.

Looking at my previous history... I should probably just go. But a bigger part of me doesn't. I HATE skirts, dresses, and nice clothes. Something about the human race forcing girls and women to wear them. Women literally had to fight for the right to wear pants. I don't want people to think just because I wore them twice I'll keep wearing them. I even went to my dad's funeral in pants.

Also, I feel like it takes away part of me. Like what ever is left of me will be gone. If I wear a dress I'll be stereotyped as just another girl. I'm NOT okay with that. People will smile and be proud of me because I dressed up for such a stupid cause. That makes me sick for some reason... Not to mention Chris's mom will be taking pictures... That's like a suicide call for me right there.

I don't know why I'm like this. Sometimes I wonder if this is from the trauma of my dad dying. I watched him hit my mom. I watched him drink. Yet still, I want to be his little girl forever. I want to go fishing with him. Learn to weld as great as he did. Fix trucks with him. Hand him the wrench, and drink Pepsi on the porch. (I quit drinking caffeine and carbonation for a but... but also cause the taste brings back memories.) I wont have him to lean on. To protect me. To be there when my mom and step dad get out of hand.

that...

or I'm am and have always been doomed to be a walking freak show. A bomb ready to be set off.

I don't know... When Chris and I were talking he said he only went to a high school dance with one girl and it was as friends. He said he didn't even get to dance with her cause she didn't want to dance, but that is a lie. On his face book months ago I saw a picture of them dancing. Why did he feel like he had to lie to me?

Real questions I have to ask myself:

"love" or "being myself:"?

"normalcy" or "individuality"?

S.O.S. Send out signal. HELP! I guess no one can really save me from myself though. I seriously don't know how long I am going to be able to live with myself.

Tom boy gone pretty? ...

I guess I should have realized some of the things that come with having a boyfriend. Prom and in my case military ball. Great expectations. I hate responsibility and being expected to be certain way.
When asked to go to prom and a ball I guess I'm supposed to get excited and spend hours preparing for it. I guess I am supposed to feel like some princess or something? I am supposed to like... get a spray on tan, and like wear a pretty dress and high heels... right?
No. I have a strict no dresses, skirts, or and dressy outfit policy. You can't pay me a million dollars to wear a dress. I wear make up, and do my hair, but deep down I like playing in the mud and fishing! I never wanted to go to prom. I do not wear high heels cause I don't need it. I am five ten for heaven sakes. Being all excited over things like that isn't exactly my cup of tea. I don't like to dress up and I don't think things like that are what makes a girl pretty. Or prettier. I think it makes them look stupid. My mom had to scream her lungs out for hours and wrestle a skirt onto me to wear to my dads funeral viewing... Even then I went to his funeral in pants.
Chris wants me to go to the military ball and prom with him, but I don't want to get dressed up at all. I don't even want to wear fancy dress pants. He's asked me like a million times, and I keep finding excuses to not give him an answer. It's against everything I believe in. but then again its his senior year. I don't want to ruin the opportunity for him...
WHAT DO I DO!?

My Boyfriend, The importance of Opinions, and Foreign Exchange Student.

This post is a mix of the three major things that are on my head right now. Sorry for the random topics.

My boyfriend: Lately Chris and I haven't been like... us. I know its because we never really get to see each other. We fight about everything, and get upset with each other easily. Although the fights are actually important topics to fight about unlike the average teenage boyfriend and girlfriend fighting... It still sucks. Lately he has been asking questions regarding me, him, and our relationship... I feel like he wants to break up. I don't want to. I wont find a guy like him ever again. He is so sweet, and doesn't mind how different I am. He accepts my good and bad sides. No guy has ever really understood the unique side of me. I just don't know how to answer his questions with the correct answer so I wont lose him. I don't want to lose him. Ugh... Not to mention he just got accepted into a college... not close to here... I already miss him enough... and that right there is a good enough excuse for him to break up with me. On the other hand I am super excited and proud of him. That side I decided to show, because I don't want him to lose such a great opportunity over a stupid girl complaining she will miss him.
I don't know what to do.

The Importance of Opinions: Today I was watching history presentations (which I didn't have to do because I am a new student) and the topic was diplomatic controversy in history... or something along those lines. There was projects on the both sides of abortion, music and giving opinions about government, women becoming a state senate, and the women's right to vote. I was surprisingly interested in all the projects. I think that main reason why is because I am the most opinionated person ever. I speak my mind, and I am far from blending in. Without the different opinions and people standing up for them I would be even more "put in my place" then I am now. I can't stand being like everyone else. It makes me suicidal. No offense to those of you who are chill with the idea, but that just isn't what I picture myself doing. I picture being miserable if I did. In English today they were talking about a book called "Fahrenheit 451". They read it before (I haven't read it yet) but apparently its about years from now everyone is the same because books were burned. It was about the majority of people accepting a certain way and living the same lives where everyone is the same. THAT WOULD SUCK! I don't know. After hearing about that book I want to read it, and after listening to the presentations I am so thankful that everyone has different opinions and it isn't just me. I'd be screwed if they didn't. Crazy how two completely different classes like come together and build onto each other...

Foreign Exchange Student: Today in Spanish 2 we had a guest speaker from a little island country near like the middle east come in and speak to us about her country. Then, the lady she was traveling with talked to us about getting into the foreign exchange program. I am an audio learner so of course I took all of that and really broke it apart in my mind. I decided I really want to do it. Like why not? I am used to moving. I am used to cultural difference. I am used to new people. Why shouldn't I do it? I would like to go to a Spanish speaking country like Peru so I can become fluent. This may sound crazy but sometimes I find myself thinking inside my head in the little Spanish sentences I know. I don't know, but I really want to do.

Sorry for being so random. Those were just mainly on my mind. Also, I havent posted in a while due to reading a book for English to get caught up. Los siento.

Unusually happy.

I really shouldn't be in this great of a mood right now.
-I have to read the entire "lord of the flies" book this weekend for English... I haven't even started it cause I just joined the class.
-I have forty pages in history to read.
-Its freaking late at night! I seriously should be in bed or something.
-I just wasted like 4 hours of my life watching movies when I really should have been doing my homework.
-My grades suck right now. Guess I should be used to it cause that's what comes with being a new kid... You have no idea what's going on in class.
-Also we got a recording from the troopers on the phone about a phsyco that was in our area that was just caught... What I want to know is why didn't they tell us he was in the area before.

I honestly don't know why I am in such a good mood. This is the opposite of me. Lol. I am usually freaking out, and angry at something. That's normal for me, but this good mood... I don't know... I bet you all I'm getting sick... Not even kidding.
My step dad acted like he cared today. I was laying on the couch when he walked in and he felt my head and asked if I was sick. Then, he apologized for not getting me a gym pass. I don't know it was nice you know? I felt like I had a father figure that cared about me. It was nice. This is weird though considering last time I saw him before we moved we were ripping each others heads off. ...
Another reason I could he happy is because I have the cutest boyfriend ever. I don't know why it just hit me. There is alot of things he would do for me. I felt like even with no makeup on he would still love me... (But let's not try that okay?)
yup...
maybe I'm not getting sick, maybe I am just tired. I should probably just go to sleep lol.

Drinking.

Hey Everyone,
I was taking a break from homework, when I saw a commercial about alcohol on the TV. It reminded me of my history class today when a boy next to me and his friend were talking about wasting all their money on getting drunk last weekend. They were laughing and talking about how great it was.
Now, really I shouldn't be one to judge considering I have victimized myself by cutting, and I am all for individuality, but I am against Drinking. Drinking doesn't give you individuality. Trust me. Watching my dad drink and drive while I was in the truck was the scariest thing ever. I watched as him transform from this caring, loving, and great dad to this ball of anger, (maybe that's where my anger comes from) abusive, and crazy man whom I didn't even know. I learned from my dad's mistake that it takes away WHO you are. It doesn't MAKE you.
Of course, If I would have spoken up not only would they have thought I was a freak, but also they would have not understood. I know this is such a random post, but I felt it was an important thing to talk about. For me at least. I am trying not to hold back when I write in my blog, because there is a lot of things I need to get out. I figure this is a positive way to do it.
I hope that some of the things I write will help build you all up instead of tear you down. I hope you all learn from my anger, and experiences rather than be offend by it. I really don't mean to hurt you guys or judge you.

Why do I hate happy families?

Tonight I went to dinner with my family to their friends house. I noticed the family table, the kids playing, and the adult conversations. I had this horrible adrenaline swelling up inside my stomach. Something was bothering me and I couldn't exactly put my finger on it. I sat there and looked around, and finally found out what it was. It was the baby, the religion books everywhere, and the whole adult conversations. It was the whole idea of happy families! Of course I smiled, called the baby cute, and said thank you for dinner it was great before I left, but I really felt like screaming, crying, and punching things.
I sat in the car wondering what the freak is wrong with me. I sat there and wondered why I didn't want to grow up and get married. I wondered why don't I want to have kid, and be the happy family. I wondered why the whole idea was gross and messed up. I wondered why I can't be normal, and what I was doing wrong. I just couldn't figure it out!!! I finally said,
"Mom, why do happy families make me mad?" She said,
"Well every family has their problems. Why are we not a happy family?!" She was offended. I said,
"The whole idea makes me mad mom." She said,
"Just wait, once you have a kid growing inside you your whole look will change." UM! EW MOM! TH ATS GROSS! Man that can't be good on my body. No never will I have kids. I got mad at her and told her that was gross. And she wonders why I hate talking to her about my inner anger. Then she went on and told me I need to change my way of thinking because there is something wrong with it. Of course that just pissed me off more considering I don't want to change my way of thinking to like kids when really I just want abuse them all.
Anyways, that being said I sat there and thought about all my inner anger towards... everything. I think I may have found it. I think my problem is that I am jealous of them. Sure they have their problems but in general they are happy. I NEVER got that. Sure my mom did a great job raising me, but you have to admit I am pretty freaking jacked up. It could be cause I was the tomboy daddy's girl, and that was suddenly taken from me. It could have been that all my good memories have always included fighting or my dad going to jail. It could be my dad drinking, or his bi polar disease. It could have been me being picked on by my sisters, and moving so much.
I just feel I never got that. Now, I don't want to be normal. I am so used to being mad, and sad that is what I live off of. Sad? Yeah. It's not like I can just be happy. Its hard for me. It takes to much energy to be happy.
I am jealous of happy families. Jealous=hate. But still even now that I have come to terms with this... I still don't want to have my own kids. I just don't want to mess up my body like that, and be expected to stay home and watch that little crying machine. I don't want to be put in my place. Maybe I'll adopt an already teenage foster kid that is just messed up as me, and maybe through all this crap I can do some good.
Ugh. I just need to stop worrying about future crap.
I guess its hard when you have a boyfriend who wants kids. Wants the stupid happy family crap. Why does he have to bring this up now anyways? Who even knows we will even last that long you know? I thought that is what the girls are supposed to bring up... not the guys.
Ha... and he wanted me to tell him what I was thinking. Open up more... Man he has no idea what would happen if I opened up truly.

What did I do to ever deserve this?

What am I doing wrong?
I am one of the most responsible teenagers out there. I worry myself so bad that it now hurts to eat, but I eat anyways. I've never seriously done anything stupid but cut, and it wasn't even that bad. I strive for a 4.0 GPA, and so far have done a great a job. I get my chores done, and my mom doesn't even have to ask me to do my homework. I take full responsibility for my actions. I went to state track and cross country, while dealing with the most traumatizing thing that has ever happened to me; having my dad die.
What more can I do? Sure I text after ten... that is the only freaking rule I have ever broken. I am so burnt out of being the good child, especially when no one even notices. It would be nice to even hear a
"Good job Kacee, I am proud of you." But I don't even freaking get that.
NOTHING EVER COMES EASY FOR ME! Now guess what! My mom is thinking about making another rule!
You can now only see your boyfriend once a week, for an hour.
I don't go to the same school as him. do you have any idea how hard that is going to be!? WHAT THE FREAK HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?! This is ridiculous. Well I have decided that I am just going to avoid my house when it is done being fixed. Seriously take all honors classes. I am going to do tons of after school activities, and lots of community service. Anything but be with my family. Cause then I will pass the time faster. Even check out lots of books and read them for when I am stuck home. Something... Ugh I am so mad.
Tonight Chris and I went to the hockey game, and Katie went along too. Then we went to Wendy's and then Cold stone's ice cream. Then Chris took us home and I stood there and hugged him for like an hour. No joke. I miss him so much. This sucks. I don't get it. He is such a great kid! It was my mom's idea to date him. (Which I am glad I did.) I have done everything. What am I doing wrong? She is being so ridiculous. When he walked out the door I just stood there. I wanted to cry. I somehow managed not to, but still. I can't wait til I am eighteen so I can be with him all the time... if we even make it that long... I want to, but he will be sick of this crap by then.

Nothing comes easy for me!!!

That was my home...

Everyone has a house they grew up in. One where all their memories come from. If they thought back to where they want to be in life, that is where they want to travel back in time to. There is one place that is mine. Even though I never really grew up here its still mine. I never got the luxury of having a childhood home. But this house is the house I spent all my good memories with my dad. I think about my dad and this house is where I think. Its the only thing left that shows the world he once lived... since I never got to bury him. Well he moved to washing right before he died and left all our stuff there. We went to visit his old house and we drove up, and the walls were all torn out, windows broken, floor and ceiling ripped out... I found my kinder garden name tag in there. It was devastating.
Last night I got an email from my sister Ashley and she found this picture on her ex best friends little sisters face book pictures...

My childhood home being spray painted on. I used to call this place home and they are destroying it. All the comments on face book were people saying that it was their home and kidding around about the old place... but they are so lying. This was my safe place. My memories and they are ripping it apart like its nothing...

UGH!

New beginning... Lets make it a good one.

Hey,
So, I was thinking, new year, new school, new start! Heck let's try not to complain so much! seriously... If I believe in a heaven, which I'm not sure I do, I wont make it cause I don't know how to not complain. I need to be like thankful for... something... I know I have gone through my fair share of crap... possibly enough for 2 other people but I seriously need to fix this negative thing.
School today was interesting. I really had no problem finding my classes cause I asked ALL the teachers I could see... ha ha it was great. The classes so far seem easy enough. I only did one hours worth of homework. Which is... weird... I am so bored I don't know what to do with myself...
I saw many old friends from the elementary school I used to go to, and they all seemed stunned it was me... I kept being told I look extremely different. Most of them didn't recognize me. To be honest... I don't really care much for them, most of them were so rude to me! But they seemed excited to see me which was kind of interesting.
We will see how things play out you know?!

On the other hand, I freaking miss my boyfriend so freaking much! He is so cute, and I miss him by my locker to greet me! Ah I know I am being lame but I miss his smile and his gorgeous insanely blue eyes! I know he isn't gone and I get to see once a week him but once a week isn't enough!
That's not the only problem... I am so jealous even when I am standing right there when he is talking to other girls, I can't imagine what its like when I am gone. I don't want to loose him for another girl. That boy just means so much to me! He says he worries he will lose me for another guy, but I secretly wonder if that is a reverse sycology thing saying I am going to loose him for another girl.
Everyone I have talked to says he seems really happy. I wonder... cause he talks to me and sounds upset all the time. I don't know... I sure hope my boyfriend isn't two faced. :(
He means to much to me you know?!
I sat at school today and missed him so bad like it hurt... like my insides ached thinking about it... like... when you feel so bad about something wrong you did that you worry so much your stomach hurts... that feeling. I wanted to talk to him so bad, and when I called he seemed like he didn't want to talk...
He's great. He really is I am just overly worrying about losing him... Everyone says not to worry he is a good guy. (told you! he is amazing!)

Date with Chris

Yesterday I went with Chris to his house for snow mobleing... (In Alaska they call it snow machining, because they have never herd of a machine that makes snow... they don't really need it.)
It was really fun. He took me to this place with a sunset, and it was on a mountain. It was pretty. We went back to his house, and I was freezing! Like my hands were super red, and I couldn't move them. He told me to go sit by their super warm fire place while he made me hot chocolate and cinnamon rolls.
Did I mention he is the biggest sweet heart ever?
After we put in "National Treasure" and cuddled up on his couch by the fire with hot chocolate. =D Once the movie ended we made overly cooked hamburgers (how I like them... can't stand eating red meat.)

All in all that was a really fun date...
There were some down sides... like talking about physical crap, and my hands about freezing off. But hey... I'm trying not to be so negative all the time.

new school... with me luck...

Well today I checked out of my old school, and registered for my new school... The worrying, and freaking out didn't set it until I saw how huge the new school is... it was easily about six times bigger then my other school... Fantastic.
All the classes I wanted to take were completely full... Like forensics, and human anatomy. I was extremely dissappointed. The only classes they had left were jewelery, cramics, and drama crap. I was upset. So, I took weight lifting during school. Even thought all my physical education credits were done freshman year. But that will be more convenitant when track season comes around.

I can't wait til I'm eighteen.

Dear the way the world works,

Did you ever think about when you were forming society the pain you would put some of us through?! Seriously!
Who came up with the great idea that you must honor your father and mother?! It's not our fault they had us! We shouldn't have to suffer and honor them. Especially when your parents are just... ugh!
Before my step dad got up here my mom let me hang out with Chris 6 days a week. No problem! But now that he is up here she is trying to act all responsible and crap... Today I learned two rules, no boys in the house, and I can only hang out with him once a week... she told me I knew that... WHAT THE &%**!
NO I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY!
This is just the beginning of stupid rules. I will be worse... Just wait... I don't like being told what to do...


I already risk the chance of losing him now that I am moving... Him not seeing me... He explained it and it just wasn't good. I don't want to lose my boyfriend... He's as good as they get.
I just...

ugh... stupid rules... just wait you guys... its going to get worse... a lot worse... I may go emo again.

Snowboarding + stupid hips = Great Boyfriend

I went snowboarding today with Chris. He picked me up. A little bit late, but hey better late then never. We went boarding and right when I got off the lift I went straight into panic mode. I don't know why. I snowboarded all the time back home. In fact, I went every weekend in the winter time, but today was different. I was just scared.


Possibly because one of my soon to be cousins had died sledding from hitting his head on a rock.

Either way, I was in panic. I tried to blow it off, tried to be the fun careless girl Chris wants me to be with, but I can't. I used to be, but it just isn't working anymore. Probably because in these last couple years I learned about how careless, and magic less the world is. Each time down the panic got worse... Chris really really wanted to take me on a trail called snake... yeah the name of it... just...

Anyways... We went through this not so powder powder... in fact it was freaking hard. I hit an indent in the hard powder and it jerked my hips... My stupid hips... you know... the ones I had to go to physical therapy for. The ones I was on 7 pills a day for between the anti inflammatory, and the steroids. I should have told him "no"... but then the fun girlfriend he wanted popped into my head and I wanted to go...
The snake trail had a drop off to start... then a little jump and quick turn... great idea Hun! Especially after I had jerked my hips so hard... I went off the jump, and into the trees... It wasn't the hitting the tree that hurt... It was the twisting to get out of it that killed my hip...
Yeah...
It hurt so bad, I was so embarrassed I just wanted to sit there and cry. Of course, me being the stubborn person I am didn't want to fall into my boyfriends arms and cry... Instead I said "go down, I just want to sit here. "
But... or course he was a sweet heart and refused to go... something about not leaving his girlfriend up there, and that he felt bad... I don't really know. I was just too focused on not crying considering my hip was killing me. He stayed what a good little boyfriend. But, I still had the rest of the hill to go, and all I wanted to do was sit there. We made it to the lodge and I waited for my hip to stop hurting... kind of... then I lied and told him I wanted to keep going. He read me. We ended up sitting there. He could have gone... in fact i told him too, and yet he stayed...
man I like that boy with great intensity.

Who get's daddy's dead body?

I've been wanting to talk about this for a while, but I seem to keep putting it off. Mainly because I want to avoid it all together, but I just can't... It's always in the back of my mind... So I might as well get it out...

Two months before my dad passed he had gotten remarried. Which means everything went to my step mom when he died... EVERYTHING!!! Including him. My dad was Mormon, and his religion was to be buried, but no my stupid step mom believed something else. She cremated him, and kept him all to herself. I remember sitting there ON MY BIRTHDAY the day before my dad's funeral listening to her say,
"Look girls, I really need ALL of your dad with me right now. When you guys turn 18 I will give you a locket with your dad's ashes in it. Just not now, I feel your too Young that if you loose it you will be devastated."
WE NEEDED HIM TOO!!!! He was our DAD! She was only married to him two months and while they were together all she did was complain. WHAT GIVES HER THE RIGHT TO TAKE MY DAD AWAY FROM ME!?!?!?!
NOT ONLY THAT! But Ashley is 20 now... WHERE THE HELL IS HER ASHES?!?!

It's not fair... Everyone else who has someone pass has a set place in the cemetery to go visit their loved one. They can take flowers to the grave, they have somewhere to cry, and they have somewhere to go talk to their family member when sometime goes wrong. When no one else is listening.
It's not a lot to ask. Everyone else gets it, but I sure don't. Why does everything I want have to be so stinking hard to get? Nothing comes easy...

But I'll have you guys know... When I am of age... There will be a law suit... SHE WILL BE SUED!!! ... and I WILL get my dad back... even if I have to go into her house and steal it for myself... Because I need closure...
...