Healthy is a Lifestyle.

I got my results back from my therapist. I have been diagnosed with depression, bereavement, anger management, and anxiety. Doesn't that all make you guys not want to read my blog anymore? haha. I am not as crazy as that diagnosis makes me sound haha... I hope!
I've been doing alot of thinking about my life recently. I have looked at things that I am doings well, things that I am doing good, and things that just don't matter. I want to make some changes based on really what I feel when I am with Brian.
Now I know that it sounds stupid, but I ask that you all just hear me out. I have never been that girl that was really obsessed over every guy I have ever dated. I was always the one planning my life knowing that soon my boyfriend wouldn't be in it. I realize that I am just a teenager and statistics are against me when it comes to teen relationships actually lasting but with Brian it's different.
He pulls out a part of me that I try SO hard to be. He makes me feel alive again. When I am with him I don't stress out. I don't lash out at people, and I dont just float through life, I feel like I'm actually living it. Brian makes me smile, and me makes me feel good mentally because I am not stressing about homework and crap, and he makes me feel good physically because he takes my flaws and compliments them. It's just nice.
So I thought about who I am with Brian and I have been trying to think about goals that will bring me closer to being the person I am when I am with Brian. I need to realize school is important, but so are my hobbies. I need to go to the gym more and eat more healthy because I LOVE IT. I need to write poems again, and dream up crazy things again.
I need to find a happier me, I just need to find the motivation to do it.

A dream or Reality?

There is no way to describe it without making it seem like it's nothing. There are no words or combination of words that make it sound as big of a deal as it sounds to me. It just doesn't make sense. It's like waking up after a dream and wondering if it was true or not. It's just like that, yet it's not at all like that. Everyone says that I am not the only one, yet I have met no one that even comes close to feeling what I feel. I can't explain it.
One day I just woke up and everything about me had changed. I woke up mad at the world, I woke up confused, and more then anything I woke up hurt. Nothing makes sense after he died, and even today it still doesn't make sense. In fact, It's getting worse. I often feel like taking myself out of the equation of life, but I know that wouldn't solve anything. Why can't I wake from this horrible dream, or is this even a dream?
I finally decided that I need professional help. I needed to PAY to have someone listen to me because no one else will. Isn't that sad? To have to PAY someone to care about you?... I now have a therapist and she wants to put me on antidepressants as well... I shouldn't need pills to fix me, I shouldn't be broke in the first place. I just want it to go away, I just want to stop feeling this way. I'm sick of just floating through life never being happy just being mad, anxious and frustrated all the time for no reason. I don't want to be like this anymore. I just want to be happy again.
There is only one thing that makes me feel better and that is Brian, but even then my time is limited. My happiness is limited. My mom says I can only see him once a week, and sometimes I worry about how long he is going to last. If I was him I wouldn't want to deal with me either. I don't know what to do. I shouldn't be dependent on one person to make me happy. I should just be happy, but that isn't the case at all...

My own space....?

Sometimes it's nice to have somewhere to go. A place just for you. It's nice to have a place where no one will bother you, and you have the ability control whether people are allowed in there or not. A place where I can stay up and do homework as late as I want. A place where all my things are. A place I can cry, a place I can talk on the phone in, or even a place to write in my journal without my sister seeing. A place I can decorate to fit my personality, and a place I can just relax in.
I don't only want this place, I need it. I am going through SO MUCH right now. I am SO UNHAPPY. I am CONFUSED. I am HURT, and sometimes it's nice to have a place where I can just be ALONE!
I was so excited to move. I was so ready to get out of this tiny house and with the way my family was talking about it, it made me excited to move to. They were going on about how big it is, and how much nice it will be. they told me I would have my own room. My mom seems so excited about this place, but they failed to mention I would in the fucking living room downstairs where not only the washer and drier will be, the work out equiptment, the family tv, and the couch will be. So when im trying to sleep everyone will be downstairs playing video games, and doing their fucking laundry. WHAT THE HELL! My sister gets a HUGE room all to herself, my five year old bother gets his own room, my grandma who doesn't even live with us yet gets her own room, and im thrown out into the living without any FUCKING privacy! What did I do to deserve this? Katie is 18 why can't we just kick her out!? Katie doesnt EVER have homework she doesn't need a place where she can stay up late and do homework in... WHY ME?! I NEED my own space. It's not fucking fair.

I used too...

I used to have a drive like I was destined to do something great. I used to want something from this world. I always thought that I was going to grow up and go amazing things. I used to work hard at everything that I did, and I used to stand back and look at what I accomplished and feel proud of myself. I used to own the ground I walked on, and I used to smile everyday and mean it. I used to stand with amazing posture and I used to love everyone I met, not matter who they were or what they did. I used to think the world was beautiful, and that happiness is all around you.
I used to, but I don't now. I didn't know that one day everything amazing that world was would come to an end. I don't understand it sometimes. I have a 3.9677 gpa, I am on the varsity for track and cross country, I qualify for state every year, I am ranked 6th in my class, I have scholarship opportunities, I am healthy, and I am a hard worker... Why don't I feel proud of myself?! Why is it that the ground beneath me seems to crumble? It's like I walk everyday worried that it's going to give out and that I am going to fail. I am not confident any more, I'm more like the kid that hides in the corner waiting for all the bad to happen.
Where did it all go? Why did it all have to change? How can the world go from SO amazing... to completely horrifying?...
Everywhere I go people are tearing me down. They are putting me in stereotypes, and telling me what I HAVE to do with my life. They are telling me I am wrong. They are telling me what I think is wrong. They are always arguing with me, and finding ways to ruin what I begin to think I have going for me. They are the reason the ground beneath me seems like its going to break at any minute.
Why would anyone want to make me feel this way? Why do people purposely push aside someones thoughts and dreams, and criticize them? I don't understand. I wish I had a best friend to talk to that didn't act like my ideas were stupid. I wish I had someone that listened.... ACTUALLY LISTENED! Not sitting there thinking of ways to tell me what I should do, how I should feel, and why I am wrong. I want someone to help pick me back up. I want someone to WANT to come watch me race, and I want someone to be excited for me when I call and tell them that I made the honors committee. I want someone to really care about me!
I can't even tell you how many soccer games I have been too, or how many talent shows I went and watched. I went and supported my cousins getting homecoming king and queen, I wore A FUCKING DRESS to my sisters wedding, I offer my sister 500 dollars so she could go to Italy for spring break, and I tell my step dad who hates my guts that its super cool he got a raise. When is it my turn to get a thank you? When will someone come support me? When will someone act proud of me? I had to tape my own report card... that has all A's onto the fridge...
I just want a little love in return... But I never get it. I try so hard, but its hard to do when no one wants to help share the glory with you. Why is it always me who gets over looked?