Ah! Everything that I thought was so stable is all starting to look like an earth quake has hit and now it's all a big mess! I don't know what to do anymore! UGH!
I guess you can say it all started with Randy visiting his dad. His dad seems a little like my dad... but a little worse. He hurt Randy and Randy is giving him another chance... after another.... after another... Kinda like what I did with my dad... but gave up... :[ Randy is going to Arizona with his dad in his dad's semi... in his dad's semi is a bed in the back... He's driving in the semi with his dad, talking, joking around, sleeping on the bed in the back... Just like what I used to do with my dad. He's sitting here saying how bad he missed hanging out with his dad (gah I'm crying!!!!!!!!!!!) How much he loves spending time with him. He's naming everything he misses... and I know exactly how he feels... but... I'm not sitting next to my dad while texting to my girlfriend how much I have missed him... Mine isn't coming back... ever... AND THAT HURTS SO BAD! I thought I was finally coming to terms with the fact that I wont ever see my dad ever again... but I'm not! It's so unfair! Everyone is a lyer! They all lie! Everything stinking one of them! THEY ALL SAY TIME HEALS EVERYTHING! BUT IT DOESN'T! EVERY TIME I SEE MY FRIENDS HUG THERE DAD IT HURTS! Time doesn't heal everything... because then you see something that reminds you that you wont ever get that back again... the pain starts all over again...
There isn't magic in the world. There IS NOT anything called love. IT'S FAKE! Dreams DON'T come true. There is NO SUCH THING as a happy ending. AND!!! There is NO such thing as miracles. We trick ourselves into thinking that there is but there isn't. We like to pretend there is a reason to live BUT THERE ISN'T! We all want to think the world is such a magical place... but IT ISN'T!!! It's all fake... No such thing as Santa, the Easter bunny, and I'm starting to think there is not a God either... what kinda of loving and caring God would want someone to hurt this bad?
My sister Ashley said that two days ago at eight thirty at night four girls lost their dad... that's four more girls that wont have a dad to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day... four less weddings... four more girls that wont have a dad to stand at the front door with a shot gun on their first date... four less believers in love... four more girls who wont ever get a daddy daughter dance... four more girls that wont like to dance...
poor Randy is probably sitting there wondering what the heck is going on with me... or what he is doing wrong. Poor guy. I'm so jealous of him though. Not only because he can be with his dad... but because I am selfish and want him around me too...
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Sorry... that's not the only thing that is upsetting me...
Me moving is starting to sink in... I wouldn't think that it would hurt this bad... I'm already missing Randy. I though since he is just another stupid boy... and this is just "puppy love" that I wouldn't have a hard time leaving... I figure since I said that all my past boyfriends were just as amazing as Randy that it would eventually all come to an end... and I wouldn't hurt so much... Especially since I don't really believe in love... But it's hurting.. 44 days early... I'm going to miss him... a heck of a lot...
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There's more... but ugh... I just don't feel like talking about it... I got the big stuff out... the rest doesn't matter.
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