There is no way to describe it without making it seem like it's nothing. There are no words or combination of words that make it sound as big of a deal as it sounds to me. It just doesn't make sense. It's like waking up after a dream and wondering if it was true or not. It's just like that, yet it's not at all like that. Everyone says that I am not the only one, yet I have met no one that even comes close to feeling what I feel. I can't explain it.
One day I just woke up and everything about me had changed. I woke up mad at the world, I woke up confused, and more then anything I woke up hurt. Nothing makes sense after he died, and even today it still doesn't make sense. In fact, It's getting worse. I often feel like taking myself out of the equation of life, but I know that wouldn't solve anything. Why can't I wake from this horrible dream, or is this even a dream?
I finally decided that I need professional help. I needed to PAY to have someone listen to me because no one else will. Isn't that sad? To have to PAY someone to care about you?... I now have a therapist and she wants to put me on antidepressants as well... I shouldn't need pills to fix me, I shouldn't be broke in the first place. I just want it to go away, I just want to stop feeling this way. I'm sick of just floating through life never being happy just being mad, anxious and frustrated all the time for no reason. I don't want to be like this anymore. I just want to be happy again.
There is only one thing that makes me feel better and that is Brian, but even then my time is limited. My happiness is limited. My mom says I can only see him once a week, and sometimes I worry about how long he is going to last. If I was him I wouldn't want to deal with me either. I don't know what to do. I shouldn't be dependent on one person to make me happy. I should just be happy, but that isn't the case at all...
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2 comments:
things will get better - dont know when or how - but they always do xxxx
I understand what you're going through.. But it's a phase of life.. Honestly you don't have to pay anyone to get happiness and hell you don't need anti-depressants.. All you need is some love and care..
I'm sure there are people around you who can help you deal with the current situation. Just open your eyes and look out. Divert your mind. Spend some time with your close pals/ family. Find time for what you like doing the most. You'll be fine. :)
P.S. thanks for following my blog! :)
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