There is only one problem, I have no one to talk to. I mean sure I am surrounded by my sisters, mom, super amazing boyfriend, cousins, aunts and uncles, but I still feel like I have no one to talk to.
I wish I had a good girlfriend to talk to, but I am just so awkward and shy. I feel like me having friends is completely impossible. I keep thinking one day someone will just walk up to me and just be my friend you know? But sadly this isn't a perfect world therefore I am stuck writing in a blog to perfect strangers hoping that someone out there in the world will understand what I am going though.
So IF I did have a best friend that was a girl, what would I tell her exactly you might ask? Well, I'd tell her about my new personal discovery. I would tell her that when dad died I built this bullet proof wall around myself. When dad was alive he was here to protect me, but he isn't now. I have to defend myself. I got this crazy idea that all guys are out there to destroy my hopes, my dreams and my life.
I know, I know, this whole idea is completely crazy. I KNOW! BUT! Death can do some crazy things to a person.
Dad isn't here to help me pick out the right guy. He isn't here to warn me, and he isn't here to threaten me. My super hero is dead. So, I put on my big girl panties and forced myself to grow up. Boys = Bad.
Boys are determined to break my heart. They have the muscles to abuse me both mentally and physically even though it is wrong. They can't keep it in their pants, so that could lead to me getting pregnant. They assume girls take care of the kids. (WRONG!) They assume girls will never be as successful as them and so on and so forth. (I'm not saying you guys actually believe this, but this is just what I accidentally stamped into my brain when dad left me to fend for myself.)
I hid from guys for the longest time. I BECAME the guy. I mean think about it. I hate dresses. I hate skirts. I hate everything girly. I hate drama. I love working outside. I love fixing things. I'm a kick ass welder.
You guys... I'm wrong. I realize this but Brian makes it all better. When he is around there is no girl guy competition. There is no I hate my life. There is no I hate being a girl. There is not nearly enough moodiness. When he is around I am no longer numb. I am not sad. Brian is like healing me. I spent all this time believing I don't need a guy when all along Brian has been helping me so much!
Please be easy on the comments! This is a HUGE step for me. It's taken me a lot to get this far. To admit I do need a guy in my life, but with Brian I don't feel like he is determined to ruin it.
So... Dear Future best friend where ever you may be,
Please find me soon. I need someone to talk to.
Sincerely,
me
For a poem that relates to this post please see my poem dedicated blog and follow:
http://writetobeunderstoodspeaktobeheard.blogspot.com/
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