That was my home...

Everyone has a house they grew up in. One where all their memories come from. If they thought back to where they want to be in life, that is where they want to travel back in time to. There is one place that is mine. Even though I never really grew up here its still mine. I never got the luxury of having a childhood home. But this house is the house I spent all my good memories with my dad. I think about my dad and this house is where I think. Its the only thing left that shows the world he once lived... since I never got to bury him. Well he moved to washing right before he died and left all our stuff there. We went to visit his old house and we drove up, and the walls were all torn out, windows broken, floor and ceiling ripped out... I found my kinder garden name tag in there. It was devastating.
Last night I got an email from my sister Ashley and she found this picture on her ex best friends little sisters face book pictures...

My childhood home being spray painted on. I used to call this place home and they are destroying it. All the comments on face book were people saying that it was their home and kidding around about the old place... but they are so lying. This was my safe place. My memories and they are ripping it apart like its nothing...

UGH!

New beginning... Lets make it a good one.

Hey,
So, I was thinking, new year, new school, new start! Heck let's try not to complain so much! seriously... If I believe in a heaven, which I'm not sure I do, I wont make it cause I don't know how to not complain. I need to be like thankful for... something... I know I have gone through my fair share of crap... possibly enough for 2 other people but I seriously need to fix this negative thing.
School today was interesting. I really had no problem finding my classes cause I asked ALL the teachers I could see... ha ha it was great. The classes so far seem easy enough. I only did one hours worth of homework. Which is... weird... I am so bored I don't know what to do with myself...
I saw many old friends from the elementary school I used to go to, and they all seemed stunned it was me... I kept being told I look extremely different. Most of them didn't recognize me. To be honest... I don't really care much for them, most of them were so rude to me! But they seemed excited to see me which was kind of interesting.
We will see how things play out you know?!

On the other hand, I freaking miss my boyfriend so freaking much! He is so cute, and I miss him by my locker to greet me! Ah I know I am being lame but I miss his smile and his gorgeous insanely blue eyes! I know he isn't gone and I get to see once a week him but once a week isn't enough!
That's not the only problem... I am so jealous even when I am standing right there when he is talking to other girls, I can't imagine what its like when I am gone. I don't want to loose him for another girl. That boy just means so much to me! He says he worries he will lose me for another guy, but I secretly wonder if that is a reverse sycology thing saying I am going to loose him for another girl.
Everyone I have talked to says he seems really happy. I wonder... cause he talks to me and sounds upset all the time. I don't know... I sure hope my boyfriend isn't two faced. :(
He means to much to me you know?!
I sat at school today and missed him so bad like it hurt... like my insides ached thinking about it... like... when you feel so bad about something wrong you did that you worry so much your stomach hurts... that feeling. I wanted to talk to him so bad, and when I called he seemed like he didn't want to talk...
He's great. He really is I am just overly worrying about losing him... Everyone says not to worry he is a good guy. (told you! he is amazing!)

Date with Chris

Yesterday I went with Chris to his house for snow mobleing... (In Alaska they call it snow machining, because they have never herd of a machine that makes snow... they don't really need it.)
It was really fun. He took me to this place with a sunset, and it was on a mountain. It was pretty. We went back to his house, and I was freezing! Like my hands were super red, and I couldn't move them. He told me to go sit by their super warm fire place while he made me hot chocolate and cinnamon rolls.
Did I mention he is the biggest sweet heart ever?
After we put in "National Treasure" and cuddled up on his couch by the fire with hot chocolate. =D Once the movie ended we made overly cooked hamburgers (how I like them... can't stand eating red meat.)

All in all that was a really fun date...
There were some down sides... like talking about physical crap, and my hands about freezing off. But hey... I'm trying not to be so negative all the time.

new school... with me luck...

Well today I checked out of my old school, and registered for my new school... The worrying, and freaking out didn't set it until I saw how huge the new school is... it was easily about six times bigger then my other school... Fantastic.
All the classes I wanted to take were completely full... Like forensics, and human anatomy. I was extremely dissappointed. The only classes they had left were jewelery, cramics, and drama crap. I was upset. So, I took weight lifting during school. Even thought all my physical education credits were done freshman year. But that will be more convenitant when track season comes around.

I can't wait til I'm eighteen.

Dear the way the world works,

Did you ever think about when you were forming society the pain you would put some of us through?! Seriously!
Who came up with the great idea that you must honor your father and mother?! It's not our fault they had us! We shouldn't have to suffer and honor them. Especially when your parents are just... ugh!
Before my step dad got up here my mom let me hang out with Chris 6 days a week. No problem! But now that he is up here she is trying to act all responsible and crap... Today I learned two rules, no boys in the house, and I can only hang out with him once a week... she told me I knew that... WHAT THE &%**!
NO I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY!
This is just the beginning of stupid rules. I will be worse... Just wait... I don't like being told what to do...


I already risk the chance of losing him now that I am moving... Him not seeing me... He explained it and it just wasn't good. I don't want to lose my boyfriend... He's as good as they get.
I just...

ugh... stupid rules... just wait you guys... its going to get worse... a lot worse... I may go emo again.

Snowboarding + stupid hips = Great Boyfriend

I went snowboarding today with Chris. He picked me up. A little bit late, but hey better late then never. We went boarding and right when I got off the lift I went straight into panic mode. I don't know why. I snowboarded all the time back home. In fact, I went every weekend in the winter time, but today was different. I was just scared.


Possibly because one of my soon to be cousins had died sledding from hitting his head on a rock.

Either way, I was in panic. I tried to blow it off, tried to be the fun careless girl Chris wants me to be with, but I can't. I used to be, but it just isn't working anymore. Probably because in these last couple years I learned about how careless, and magic less the world is. Each time down the panic got worse... Chris really really wanted to take me on a trail called snake... yeah the name of it... just...

Anyways... We went through this not so powder powder... in fact it was freaking hard. I hit an indent in the hard powder and it jerked my hips... My stupid hips... you know... the ones I had to go to physical therapy for. The ones I was on 7 pills a day for between the anti inflammatory, and the steroids. I should have told him "no"... but then the fun girlfriend he wanted popped into my head and I wanted to go...
The snake trail had a drop off to start... then a little jump and quick turn... great idea Hun! Especially after I had jerked my hips so hard... I went off the jump, and into the trees... It wasn't the hitting the tree that hurt... It was the twisting to get out of it that killed my hip...
Yeah...
It hurt so bad, I was so embarrassed I just wanted to sit there and cry. Of course, me being the stubborn person I am didn't want to fall into my boyfriends arms and cry... Instead I said "go down, I just want to sit here. "
But... or course he was a sweet heart and refused to go... something about not leaving his girlfriend up there, and that he felt bad... I don't really know. I was just too focused on not crying considering my hip was killing me. He stayed what a good little boyfriend. But, I still had the rest of the hill to go, and all I wanted to do was sit there. We made it to the lodge and I waited for my hip to stop hurting... kind of... then I lied and told him I wanted to keep going. He read me. We ended up sitting there. He could have gone... in fact i told him too, and yet he stayed...
man I like that boy with great intensity.

Who get's daddy's dead body?

I've been wanting to talk about this for a while, but I seem to keep putting it off. Mainly because I want to avoid it all together, but I just can't... It's always in the back of my mind... So I might as well get it out...

Two months before my dad passed he had gotten remarried. Which means everything went to my step mom when he died... EVERYTHING!!! Including him. My dad was Mormon, and his religion was to be buried, but no my stupid step mom believed something else. She cremated him, and kept him all to herself. I remember sitting there ON MY BIRTHDAY the day before my dad's funeral listening to her say,
"Look girls, I really need ALL of your dad with me right now. When you guys turn 18 I will give you a locket with your dad's ashes in it. Just not now, I feel your too Young that if you loose it you will be devastated."
WE NEEDED HIM TOO!!!! He was our DAD! She was only married to him two months and while they were together all she did was complain. WHAT GIVES HER THE RIGHT TO TAKE MY DAD AWAY FROM ME!?!?!?!
NOT ONLY THAT! But Ashley is 20 now... WHERE THE HELL IS HER ASHES?!?!

It's not fair... Everyone else who has someone pass has a set place in the cemetery to go visit their loved one. They can take flowers to the grave, they have somewhere to cry, and they have somewhere to go talk to their family member when sometime goes wrong. When no one else is listening.
It's not a lot to ask. Everyone else gets it, but I sure don't. Why does everything I want have to be so stinking hard to get? Nothing comes easy...

But I'll have you guys know... When I am of age... There will be a law suit... SHE WILL BE SUED!!! ... and I WILL get my dad back... even if I have to go into her house and steal it for myself... Because I need closure...
...