From good to bad.

Things did. They went from good to bad. Ashley isn't moving down... I'm so bumbed about that. I miss my older sister you know? Most people hate their older sisters and talk crap. It's all just tough love. Ashley has grown up. She understands things now to a cetain extent. When she does decide to finally talk to me she actually listens. Is it too much to ask to want your family together again? Is it too much to want to be able to not miss your dad all the time anymore? Is it too much to want to move on? I know everyone else has grown tired of my depression... So, have I... but I can't help it. It has gotten better but sometimes it just hits me like a bag of rocks.

I miss him. Before it was just the thought my dad was dead. Now its the realization. I see something and it reminds me of him. I hear something and again I am reminded on him.

You're the poem i cant write

Take me by the hand and look into my eyes.
Heal my pain, and see past my disguise.
Want what is best for me, what is true, and right.
Call me on the phone on your restless night.
Keep your distance but stay near.
Calm my each and every fear.
Listen to my wants, and heal my every pain
make me want you so bad that i start to go insane
Please still love me after this night...
BECAUSE I CANT WRITE POETRY TONIGHT!!!

Coming to terms

Isn't it funny how you can be in the worst mood and not even know why? You're upset and want to cry and you don't even know why... Then, when someone asks whats wrong while you're trying to explain it to them you find out the real reason why? That happened to me.

I was rewriting my metals notes they were such a mess and it was bothering me... (Yes, I know neat freak syndrome...) The teacher in that class talks so fast I don''t have enough time to write it all down. He covers the topics so fast that I can't keep up. I've been getting 15/20 on these stupid quizzes he makes us take every morning and that bothers me al ot... more then any of you will even understand.
Jared texted me asking whats up... On normal circumstances I would say nothing but Jared still likes me. He would be like what ever you have to be doing something! He has to know every detail of everything I am doing ever second of the day. So, I told him in detail.

"I'm rewriting my metals notes because they are messy and everywhere." Then, he said

"Fun!" I don't know what went over me... I said,

"NO! It's not fun! It's the most stupidest class on the face of the planet!" and he said,

":( be happy plz, Calm down. Its just a class." I said,

"To you yeah! Because you don't care! I care! This was my dad's job Jared! It was what he loved to do he died doing it! If I don't do good in this class I wont forgive myself."

...

That's when I realized something. My woods class was just as hard... I worried about that class but not nearly as much as this class... Failing wasn't something that was bothering me... It was that I can't let my dad down. I have to do a good job because my dad was a self taught welder and I am his daughter. It's hard...

You know since he has been dead I didn't really come to terms, but now that I am reminded of him its like an old scar re opened again...

Heart Strings

The way you acted, and the things you said
engraved your memory in my head.
I found charm in the eyes of a stranger
and put my heart in complete danger.


Things got worse as days went by,
the strings were sown by every "Hi".
A little pinch here, and a little pinch there
for you the pain I would bare.


Pain became pleasure by every thought
You don't even realize the tragedy you brought.
I would hold my breath as you walked by,
Hoping for a glace, a smile, a "Hi".


The strings were pulled tighter please understand,
and now they rest inside your hand.
Something invisible secret you see,
because we don't belong you and me...

I know you don't mean it you didn't know
the strings that appeared and started to grow.
The strings that pulled and tugged in me,
wanting the two of us to be.


They pulled even harder when I saw you with her,
Pretty soon we became a blur.
The strings attached from your hand to my heart,
started to rip and pull apart.


You didn't understand when you started to pull,
those little strings took their toll.
The strings attached inside my chest,
you didn't notice there was nothing left.

Yesterday. Scariest day of my life... Almost.

Yesterday, I was sitting in Earth Systems. A.K.A. a class all about saving the planet, but instead taking that class we just kill off all the trees with all the papers and assignments we get.
While we were working hard on talking about saving pollution we were taking stupid worthless notes. Caleb who sits right next to me got a bloody nose. He went to the bathroom, and when he came back he looked like a zombie. His eyes were all weird, and lots of people said his face was green. Everyone was asking him if he was all right. Finally, he said,
"I don't feel good." All the sudden he passed out. He fell backwards, and his back was arched over the bar. His face was really only were I could see his eyes. He was breathing hard and his eyes looked like he was having a seizure!
... Sadly enough I just sat there and stared. My eyes were starting to go black. I just couldn't get myself to breathe or blink. I was going to pass out too! I have a weak stomache, and can't handle trama very well. Two thoughts were screaming at me. The first... HE IS GOING TO DIE!!! Then, the second... GET HELP KACEE YOUR STUPID DON'T JUST SIT THERE GET MR. NEILSON! I finally somehow got myself to jump up from the seat and bolt out the door. I yelled,
"I'm going to get Mr. Neilson!" I herd someone running behind me. I yelled in Mr. Neilson's room,
"Mr. Neilson Caleb is having a seizure!!!" He stopped what he was doing and came running after. He said,
"Where is he?"
I said,
"Mr. Winn's room!" I got into the class and saw Mr. Winn helping Caleb sit up. I think I sat down. To be honest. I don't remember my eyes were so black. I don't think I blinked that entire time! They got Caleb up and I gathered his stuff along with Kennedy and she took his back pack into the office. We all just sat there in shock for who knows how long. Mr. Winn finished his lesson. I finished my paper even though I could barley write. He said he was still shaking.
In math I could barley concentrate. I was shaking. I'm pretty sure it was a form of shock. After that class Mr. Neilson caught me in the hall way and made sure I was okay. He said that I looked scared still. He told me Caleb was okay and that he had also passed out in the bathroom, and that he thought it was all from him not eating.
I finally got into a normal feeling but then in 7th hour I got really sick. Dizzy and sick to my stomache. I skipped track and went home. I slept for 3 hours and then went with my mom to get food. She said I was still in shock. All night last night I couldn't sleep. Once my breathing slowed down for sleeping I would gasp for air. I kept replaying him in my head. My mom had to give me a sleeping pill...

Stupid Kacee. He is fine. Why were you in shock for so long?

The Accomplice.

If it were closer to the time he died... I would have switched out of that class in an instant. But since it has been two years on November 26 I just rolled with the punches.
Sitting in Welding class my first day, and I already shed not-so silent tears. You see, we had to read bibliographies on welders who were succesful. I was already have issues sitting in a class learning about my dad's career. I had flash back of sitting with him in my grandpa's old shop wearing the goofy helmet that was way to big for me. He told me not to look at the pretty light because he didn't want my beautiful blue eyes to go blind. I looked at the light anyways. I remember helping him clean up. It was fun! The career that eventually it killed him.
In one of the bibliography's it talked about how one welder took over his dad's career after his dad died when he was twenty tears old. I had it. I flipped to a different random page and in big bold letters it said, "Head Protection". A clamp hit him in the back of his head and killed him. I had another not-so blast from the past when I was staring into his casket and he looked so different. He didn't move. He looked like an elf with a disformed swollen face. What ever was in that casket wasn't my daddy. I couldn't take it. Tears were coming from my eyes. I tried not to bilnk. I stared. I took short breaths. I tried thinking about other things, but they just kept coming... I wiped my face with the back of my hand. Sniffled and as they tears came I touched then dry in the corner of my eye.... Unfortunately, the kid next to me noticed. I couldn't help it.
I finished reading the bibliographies and then the substitute teacher and a student were talking about art. How welding can be an art. A stranger at my daddy's funeral told me that my dad was an artist. I thought back to the book ends he made for me right before he died. They were metal book ends of horses. They were gorgeous.
I wanted to burst out crying but I didn't. I'm not switching out of that class. I want my dad to look down on me and think "that's my little girl doing what I loved to do." His little accomplice.

TIME

Funny, how time seems to plan things. It puts things in a time frame... like a treasure map. It shows you what you want most, and then writes it in; a set course. At first, you're not sure if you want it. Then, in all your deciding a need occures. You need it. So, you pull out your treasure map and start on your journey. As you study your map and then you realize strings are attached. Puzzles. Bumps in the road. Isn't it great... but a tad bit sucky how every single time; time beats you?
Time doesn't only set things in a time frame, but uses you... against you. I normally could live without my set course. But I formed myself a cage... I trapped myself. CRAP! What am I to do? Hmmm...
Thanking, but hating time... Here we go again.