Tonight I went to dinner with my family to their friends house. I noticed the family table, the kids playing, and the adult conversations. I had this horrible adrenaline swelling up inside my stomach. Something was bothering me and I couldn't exactly put my finger on it. I sat there and looked around, and finally found out what it was. It was the baby, the religion books everywhere, and the whole adult conversations. It was the whole idea of happy families! Of course I smiled, called the baby cute, and said thank you for dinner it was great before I left, but I really felt like screaming, crying, and punching things.
I sat in the car wondering what the freak is wrong with me. I sat there and wondered why I didn't want to grow up and get married. I wondered why don't I want to have kid, and be the happy family. I wondered why the whole idea was gross and messed up. I wondered why I can't be normal, and what I was doing wrong. I just couldn't figure it out!!! I finally said,
"Mom, why do happy families make me mad?" She said,
"Well every family has their problems. Why are we not a happy family?!" She was offended. I said,
"The whole idea makes me mad mom." She said,
"Just wait, once you have a kid growing inside you your whole look will change." UM! EW MOM! TH ATS GROSS! Man that can't be good on my body. No never will I have kids. I got mad at her and told her that was gross. And she wonders why I hate talking to her about my inner anger. Then she went on and told me I need to change my way of thinking because there is something wrong with it. Of course that just pissed me off more considering I don't want to change my way of thinking to like kids when really I just want abuse them all.
Anyways, that being said I sat there and thought about all my inner anger towards... everything. I think I may have found it. I think my problem is that I am jealous of them. Sure they have their problems but in general they are happy. I NEVER got that. Sure my mom did a great job raising me, but you have to admit I am pretty freaking jacked up. It could be cause I was the tomboy daddy's girl, and that was suddenly taken from me. It could have been that all my good memories have always included fighting or my dad going to jail. It could be my dad drinking, or his bi polar disease. It could have been me being picked on by my sisters, and moving so much.
I just feel I never got that. Now, I don't want to be normal. I am so used to being mad, and sad that is what I live off of. Sad? Yeah. It's not like I can just be happy. Its hard for me. It takes to much energy to be happy.
I am jealous of happy families. Jealous=hate. But still even now that I have come to terms with this... I still don't want to have my own kids. I just don't want to mess up my body like that, and be expected to stay home and watch that little crying machine. I don't want to be put in my place. Maybe I'll adopt an already teenage foster kid that is just messed up as me, and maybe through all this crap I can do some good.
Ugh. I just need to stop worrying about future crap.
I guess its hard when you have a boyfriend who wants kids. Wants the stupid happy family crap. Why does he have to bring this up now anyways? Who even knows we will even last that long you know? I thought that is what the girls are supposed to bring up... not the guys.
Ha... and he wanted me to tell him what I was thinking. Open up more... Man he has no idea what would happen if I opened up truly.
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9 comments:
Well, your not weird or abnormal at all for not wanting kids. It's not for everybody. Besides, in this crazy world, there is no such thing as "normal" any more.
And some guys will bring that stuff up. I'm one of those guys. That isn't weird either. We just know what we want.
I used to be like this too..but I'm guessing mine was more along the lines of ignorance instead of anger. I have a pretty jacked up family too, and I so don't want that. So one day I made a decision that whatever I did would eventually come back and make me happy...family, kids..I'm not sure, maybe? But you know...put yourself first for a change. Vent. It's healthy ;)
I think that everybody sees their family as the worst family in the world at one time or another. Myself included. Don't think that this stuff lasts. Sooner or later you'll see that your family is OK, even if it isn't perfect.
And, keep in mind, the only people who see the real side of a family are the members of that family. Sure, they looked happy, but it's possible that the kids there were just as annoyed as you, maybe more. Maybe they thought your family was great, and they were tearing their insides with jealousy and hate.
Now, I won't go into details, but if people have kids, I think both parents should have equal responsibility with most things in the house. In this day in age (and the later one) it's quite possible that you go to work half the day and your husband looks after the child.
All I'm saying is that times change, and so should your view on life.
ALL Of your Posts make me sad....I hope your ok!! Miss you Keep Smilin! And Maybe, Ya know how your always saying that people never look at your side of things and dont understand you...Maybe you should try to understand other peoples ideas, You dont have to want a family or anything but neither did my mom and dad,....But I am so glad they did Or I wouldnt be here! :) You dont have to be a mom by all means, but you could be a great one!!
Mr. Gargus: Guys at this age SHOULDN'T bring it up. They really have no right. They don't see the girls side. They seem to act more like girls then most girls do. At least to me. I don't like to plan about getting married, or having kids at this age with my current boyfriend. Especially if he turns out to be a real dick.
smilelikewoe: Thank you, your comment made me feel a whole lot better. I am glad I am not the only one who doesn't want a family. I sure hope everything will come back and make me happy. I'll try to put myself first for a change, it's just hard hard when your pressured and people have just high expectations of you. I sure hope venting is healthy cause I sure do alot of it.
Sami: Yes, I should definatley keep that in mind with the whole equal family thing. I remember sititng at a park once and realizing that all the men where taking their kids to the park because the women were at work. That does make me feel better. My view on life... will probably not change though. I still think I should be more fair... but hey what can I do about it? Nothing...
Jordan: I am sorry my posts make you sad. It's how I am feeling. After all you did come to read my blog to see how I feel, if you came for a different reason I don't know what you are here for. I miss you too! I miss having a friend just down the road to chill with you know?! Jordan you have no idea how much I look at other peoples sides, and it always ends up making me more mad. To me it doesn't their sides just dont make sense... Plus why should I look at their side if there not even willing to look at mine? There really isn't many people who are willing to put their guard down and try to listen. I wouldn't ever be a good mom because kids make me want to be abusive... its true and you know it. Lol.
Thanks everyone for the feed back. Hope my posts and comments don't affend you!
yeah, you do have a point.
Thank you. So do you.
Lol, that was a lot of comments, I'm surprised how fast I read them all! XD
Really late comment...I came across your post and it amazes me how much we think alike. The thought of happy family always disgusted me. I always wondered why but I realized it was, in fact jealousy. The fact that the others have everything I could of had but never will drives me insane and pisses me off really badly. I don't want kids cuz I know I won't be able to truely love them because I'm more worried about myself. And I hate it when guys talk about the future.
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